Daily Archives: January 29, 2008

Candidates Turn to Porn Industry Because They Can Keep a Secret

Hillary and Obama’s current fundraisers keep getting caught

Inebriated Press
January 29, 2008

Indicted political fundraiser Antoin “Tony” Rezko was arrested at his suburban Chicago home by federal agents yesterday.  Rezko raised thousands of dollars for Barack Obama’s run for the presidency but tended to get caught doing illegal things.  Norman Yung Yuen Hsu was indicted for fraud by a federal grand jury late last year.  Hsu raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for the Hillary Clinton campaign for president.  The Democrat National Committee (DNC) is so disappointed in the carelessness of their racketeers’ and mob fundraisers, that they’ve  started encouraging candidates to work more closely with the porn industry.  Former president Bill Clinton is on board.

“It’s painfully obvious that our sneaky financial connections just aren’t sneaky enough to avoid getting caught these days,” said former president Clinton, speaking to the press from his New York office, a combination Hooters and massage parlor.  “On the other hand, the porn people I’m close to have channeled contributions of all kinds of cash and prizes to me over the years.  And they’re mostly legal and almost nobody cares.  It’s time the DNC recognizes that the porn industry’s support is our best bet for consistent, under-the-table funding that works.  Hey, we’re all grown ups here.  What did people think was going on with my fundraisers in the Lincoln Bedroom during my two terms?  Cash and sex is what makes politics work in today’s world.”

Not everyone favors a higher profile for the porn industry in American politics.  “It’s bad enough that president Kennedy was sleeping with mafia mauls and president Clinton was sleeping with any female that had breath in her,” said Sir Lancelot, formerly a knight of the Round Table, currently an out of work maitre d’ serving fries at McDonalds.  “If the porn industry starts directly funding and supporting candidates there’ll be no end to the crazy stuff going on in the White House.  The West Wing will become a brothel.  Lawmakers will never return home to their districts.”

Political fundraiser Tony Rezko was arrested by the FBI Sunday at his home in Chicago.  Rezko has fundraising ties to presidential candidate Barack Obama.  Obama says he had no indication of any problems with Rezko when he accepted thousands of dollars in campaign contributions from him.  Fund-raiser Norman Hsu pumped $850,000 into Hillary Clinton’s campaign bank account, and raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for local, state, and federal candidates who endorsed Clinton or whose support she courted.  Democratic presidential hopefuls that collected money from Hsu and his network, include Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr. of Delaware, and Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico.  Clinton was the biggest beneficiary of Hsu, who was reportedly trying to establish himself as one of her elite fund-raisers by pulling in more than $1 million.

“I’m giving Bill Clinton’s ‘Porn Industry for Major Politicians’ (PIMP) Fund some serious consideration,” said DNC chairman Howard Dean, waxing his legs and doing deep breathing exercises.  “The guy got elected president twice and got away with lying to a grand jury about banging interns in the Oval Office.  The man understands sex, power, politics and how to avoid prison.  It’s time the DNC catches up to the level of creative genius that Bill represents.  We’ve been horsing around with low brow ethnic fundraisers who get caught long enough.”

In other news, Hillary Clinton continues to deny that she ever had sex with Bill, but genetics experts still believe that Chelsea Clinton is related to both of them.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Clinton’s Dog Dies in Mob Hit

Hillary put contract out on Bill’s Labrador

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 29, 2008

Rumors that presidential candidate Hillary Clinton arranged a mob hit on a family member have been circulating on the campaign trail and new information appears to confirm her involvement.  People have long believed that Hillary hated Buddy, Bill’s chocolate-colored Labrador Retriever.  Bill got the dog while president and rumors held that Hillary didn’t like Buddy because the dog didn’t get along with their cat Socks.  Eventually Bill gave Socks away and insiders say Hillary always resented it.  Buddy was run down by a car and killed near the Clinton home in Chappaqua, New York, on January 2, 2002.  New inside information appears to confirm the theory that Hillary did indeed conspire to kill Buddy and arranged the hit.

“I was in the kitchen under the table when Hillary wired money to a mobster named Louie in New York,” said Dixie Bateman, a Democratic operative who often sleeps under tables and squeals on people.  “She hated Buddy.  Said he was a bad dog.  Rented a big SUV and had him run down.  I wouldn’t normally say anything, but I like dogs and hate cats.”

Not everyone agrees that Hillary had Bill’s dog killed.  “Hillary doesn’t care about cats, dogs or anyone who’s not a campaign donor,” said Harry Reid, current Senate majority leader and a sputtering old guy who pretends to know what he’s doing.  “She’s got no quarrel with any dog.  That mob hit was years before and it was on Vince Foster.  Deftly handled too.  Silly rumors.”

Buddy, a male chocolate-colored Labrador Retriever, was one of two pets owned by Bill Clinton while he was president of the United States.  The Clintons’ other pet was a cat named Socks.  Clinton acquired Buddy as a puppy in 1997 from Caroline County, Maryland, and named him after his late uncle.  Socks didn’t get along with the frisky Buddy, so the White House had to keep the two in separate quarters.  Since this arrangement would be no longer possible in the Clintons’ smaller home in New York, Socks was left under the care of Bill Clinton’s secretary, Betty Currie.  Buddy, however, suffered the same fate as Clinton’s previous dog, a cocker spaniel named Zeke, when he was killed by a car while running loose near the Clinton home in New York.  Vincent Foster was a Deputy White House Counsel during the first term of President Bill Clinton, and also a law partner and friend of Hillary Rodham Clinton.  His death was ruled a suicide by official investigations, but remains a subject of interest among conspiracy theorists.

“Dogs are man’s best friend but have never been known to be good friends with female presidential candidates,” said historian and occasional dog, Fred MacMurray, A.K.A. The Shaggy Dog.  “Back in ’91 before I died, I liked Bill just fine but never cared for Hillary.  I think the same was true of Buddy.  Getting knocked off though was a tough break.  Kind of like what Barbara Stanwyck and I did in Double Indemnity.  I guess that’s just the way it goes some times.  Poor Buddy.  Should have seen it coming.”

In related news, a recent survey of lawmakers found that most of them like pets, but nine out of ten would drive on them if it meant winning the election of their choice.  The Humane Society has issued a warning to cats and dogs encouraging them to be on the lookout for elected officials driving automobiles.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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