Hillary put contract out on Bill’s Labrador
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 29, 2008
Rumors that presidential candidate Hillary Clinton arranged a mob hit on a family member have been circulating on the campaign trail and new information appears to confirm her involvement. People have long believed that Hillary hated Buddy, Bill’s chocolate-colored Labrador Retriever. Bill got the dog while president and rumors held that Hillary didn’t like Buddy because the dog didn’t get along with their cat Socks. Eventually Bill gave Socks away and insiders say Hillary always resented it. Buddy was run down by a car and killed near the Clinton home in Chappaqua, New York, on January 2, 2002. New inside information appears to confirm the theory that Hillary did indeed conspire to kill Buddy and arranged the hit.
“I was in the kitchen under the table when Hillary wired money to a mobster named Louie in New York,” said Dixie Bateman, a Democratic operative who often sleeps under tables and squeals on people. “She hated Buddy. Said he was a bad dog. Rented a big SUV and had him run down. I wouldn’t normally say anything, but I like dogs and hate cats.”
Not everyone agrees that Hillary had Bill’s dog killed. “Hillary doesn’t care about cats, dogs or anyone who’s not a campaign donor,” said Harry Reid, current Senate majority leader and a sputtering old guy who pretends to know what he’s doing. “She’s got no quarrel with any dog. That mob hit was years before and it was on Vince Foster. Deftly handled too. Silly rumors.”
Buddy, a male chocolate-colored Labrador Retriever, was one of two pets owned by Bill Clinton while he was president of the United States. The Clintons’ other pet was a cat named Socks. Clinton acquired Buddy as a puppy in 1997 from Caroline County, Maryland, and named him after his late uncle. Socks didn’t get along with the frisky Buddy, so the White House had to keep the two in separate quarters. Since this arrangement would be no longer possible in the Clintons’ smaller home in New York, Socks was left under the care of Bill Clinton’s secretary, Betty Currie. Buddy, however, suffered the same fate as Clinton’s previous dog, a cocker spaniel named Zeke, when he was killed by a car while running loose near the Clinton home in New York. Vincent Foster was a Deputy White House Counsel during the first term of President Bill Clinton, and also a law partner and friend of Hillary Rodham Clinton. His death was ruled a suicide by official investigations, but remains a subject of interest among conspiracy theorists.
“Dogs are man’s best friend but have never been known to be good friends with female presidential candidates,” said historian and occasional dog, Fred MacMurray, A.K.A. The Shaggy Dog. “Back in ’91 before I died, I liked Bill just fine but never cared for Hillary. I think the same was true of Buddy. Getting knocked off though was a tough break. Kind of like what Barbara Stanwyck and I did in Double Indemnity. I guess that’s just the way it goes some times. Poor Buddy. Should have seen it coming.”
In related news, a recent survey of lawmakers found that most of them like pets, but nine out of ten would drive on them if it meant winning the election of their choice. The Humane Society has issued a warning to cats and dogs encouraging them to be on the lookout for elected officials driving automobiles.
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