Daily Archives: January 30, 2008

Spy Satellite Will Plunge to Earth, Probably Will Miss You

Government says there’s no point worrying
Microsoft to release update, agrees with government

Inebriated Press
January 30, 2008

White House National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe told reporters on Monday that a disabled U.S. spy satellite is likely to fall to earth within weeks.  He said the government is monitoring it and doesn’t think it’ll hurt anybody but aren’t entirely sure where it or its bits will land.  Meanwhile, Microsoft has begun warning Office 2003 users that it will begin pushing the software’s Service Pack 3 via Microsoft Update next month.  This follows a dustup earlier this month over new security settings in Office 2003 SP3 that landed on a lot of users, blocking access to a swath of older file formats.  Fortunately for us Microsoft and the Federal Government have let us know something is coming so now we can relax.

“I know that I can’t do shit about the satellite landing on my house or Microsoft screwing up my Office software, but at least I’ll know what it was if I get creamed by either,” said Bodacious Colander, a voluptuous woman who typically lets bothersome things slide past her like cat box sand through a sieve, and only pays attention to bothersome clumpy stuff.  “Sure I’d like to avoid being crushed by government satellites and Microsoft updates just like the next person.  But what am I supposed to do about it?  Guess I’ll have a beer and hope for the best.”

Not everyone is reacting so casually to the news.  “Holy shit we’re all going to die,” shouted consumer advocate Ralph Nader, spinning on the floor of his office like a top until his left shoe flew out a window and into the storm sewer.  “We need an FBI inquiry into the Federal Government and a lawsuit against Microsoft and I need some shoes because I just lost one, and I haven’t had lunch yet, but it’ll probably kill me if I eat it because of all the trans fats and additives and microbes that I can’t see.  Shit, shit, shit.  Where’s the damn Tylenol?

On Monday White House National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe said that since 75 percent of the Earth is covered in water and much of the land is uninhabited, the likely percentage of the spy satellite or any debris falling into a populated area is very small.  But he said the U.S. government was monitoring the satellite’s descent from orbit and examining different options to “mitigate any damage.”  The U.S. military could potentially use a missile to destroy the minivan-sized satellite in space, but one senior U.S. defense official said that was unlikely for several reasons, including concern about creating space debris as China did when it shot down one of its satellites last year. 

On Monday Microsoft Corp. gave users of its Office 2003 application suite a 30-day warning that it will begin pushing the software’s Service Pack 3 via Microsoft Update.  Customers who have not already installed SP3 and that have chosen to receive updates automatically will start to receive the service pack as early as February 27, a Microsoft spokeswoman said.  The notice followed a problem earlier this month when new security settings in Office 2003 SP3 blocked access to older file formats.  After users complained on the company’s support forums, and a software rival asked why its files were being barred, Microsoft apologized and posted work-arounds to make it easier for users to unblock the formats. 

In other news, all the front running Democrat candidates for president have said that if they’re elected they will increase taxes and cut our military defense, beginning in the Middle East.  Now that we know, we can all relax and not worry about it.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Adolf Hitler Alive and Flying a UFO in Texas

119 year-old dictator still trying to take over the world

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
January 30, 2008

Adolf Hitler, a German dictator from 1934 to 1945, was spotted at the helm of an enormous flying saucer hovering over southern Texas this week.  The appearance of the dictator surprised many, since he has not been seen since 1945 in a bunker during World War II, where he purportedly took his own life.  History is being remade in the Texas atmosphere, and Inebriated reporter Mickey Spillane is there and reporting.

“Locals here in Smalltown Texas recognized Hitler through the window of a glowing orb hovering in space about the size of either a huge Chevy SUV or a Toyota Hybrid, depending upon which car salesman you’re talking to,” said Inebriated reporter Spillane, looking slim and fit, having cut down on trans fats and alcohol following his death in 2006.  “Eye witnesses say Hitler was a little green looking but was still wearing the old swastika arm band, had the ugly patch-mustache and looked psycho.  Sounds like the guy alright.”

Not everyone thinks Hitler is roaming Texas airspace in a flying saucer.  “Soldiers found the bastards’ carcass in the smoldering bunker.  There’s no way he somehow became a space alien and is now a 119 year-old dictator trying to take over Texas,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, turning over a black 8-ball and checking the answer before making a crucial tie-breaking vote in Congress.  “The Allies choked out the Nazi’s and Hitler killed himself.  Of course if today’s Democrat controlled Congress were running things we would have negotiated with him and he could have kept most of Europe and lived out his life peacefully.  It’s a shame that someone so energetic like him went so young.”

Adolf Hitler was a German politician, who became the leader of the National Socialist German Workers Party and was appointed as the Chancellor of Germany in 1933.  After the death of President Paul von Hindenburg in 1934, Hitler declared himself Führer, combining the offices of President and Chancellor into one using the power vested in him by the Enabling Act, and he became totalitarian ruler.  During the final days of World War II in 1945, as the German capital of Berlin was being invaded and destroyed by the Red Army of the Soviet Union, Hitler married Eva Braun and less than 24 hours later, the two committed suicide in the Führerbunker.  Not everyone was convinced Hitler died in the bunker and the flying saucer incident has renewed the debate.

“Hitler never died and always had connections with space aliens who gave him his advanced planetary vision, and enabled him to live forever,” said Smarmy Voter, a postal recipient who likes icky bits of history and presidential elections.  “Just you wait; he’s organizing a Mexican army of illegal aliens and outer-space workers and melding them into a force that’ll take over the world, starting with Texas, hotel chains and meat packing plants.  From there it’s a small step to getting Poland back and a bunch of other stuff.”

In loosely related news, politicians continue to lean toward dictatorship and totalitarianism because they are more efficient forms of government that can eliminate financial waste, inefficient use of the governments’ time and silly personal freedoms.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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