119 year-old dictator still trying to take over the world
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
January 30, 2008
Adolf Hitler, a German dictator from 1934 to 1945, was spotted at the helm of an enormous flying saucer hovering over southern Texas this week. The appearance of the dictator surprised many, since he has not been seen since 1945 in a bunker during World War II, where he purportedly took his own life. History is being remade in the Texas atmosphere, and Inebriated reporter Mickey Spillane is there and reporting.
“Locals here in Smalltown Texas recognized Hitler through the window of a glowing orb hovering in space about the size of either a huge Chevy SUV or a Toyota Hybrid, depending upon which car salesman you’re talking to,” said Inebriated reporter Spillane, looking slim and fit, having cut down on trans fats and alcohol following his death in 2006. “Eye witnesses say Hitler was a little green looking but was still wearing the old swastika arm band, had the ugly patch-mustache and looked psycho. Sounds like the guy alright.”
Not everyone thinks Hitler is roaming Texas airspace in a flying saucer. “Soldiers found the bastards’ carcass in the smoldering bunker. There’s no way he somehow became a space alien and is now a 119 year-old dictator trying to take over Texas,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, turning over a black 8-ball and checking the answer before making a crucial tie-breaking vote in Congress. “The Allies choked out the Nazi’s and Hitler killed himself. Of course if today’s Democrat controlled Congress were running things we would have negotiated with him and he could have kept most of Europe and lived out his life peacefully. It’s a shame that someone so energetic like him went so young.”
Adolf Hitler was a German politician, who became the leader of the National Socialist German Workers Party and was appointed as the Chancellor of Germany in 1933. After the death of President Paul von Hindenburg in 1934, Hitler declared himself Führer, combining the offices of President and Chancellor into one using the power vested in him by the Enabling Act, and he became totalitarian ruler. During the final days of World War II in 1945, as the German capital of Berlin was being invaded and destroyed by the Red Army of the Soviet Union, Hitler married Eva Braun and less than 24 hours later, the two committed suicide in the Führerbunker. Not everyone was convinced Hitler died in the bunker and the flying saucer incident has renewed the debate.
“Hitler never died and always had connections with space aliens who gave him his advanced planetary vision, and enabled him to live forever,” said Smarmy Voter, a postal recipient who likes icky bits of history and presidential elections. “Just you wait; he’s organizing a Mexican army of illegal aliens and outer-space workers and melding them into a force that’ll take over the world, starting with Texas, hotel chains and meat packing plants. From there it’s a small step to getting Poland back and a bunch of other stuff.”
In loosely related news, politicians continue to lean toward dictatorship and totalitarianism because they are more efficient forms of government that can eliminate financial waste, inefficient use of the governments’ time and silly personal freedoms.
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