Spy Satellite Will Plunge to Earth, Probably Will Miss You

Government says there’s no point worrying
Microsoft to release update, agrees with government

Inebriated Press
January 30, 2008

White House National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe told reporters on Monday that a disabled U.S. spy satellite is likely to fall to earth within weeks.  He said the government is monitoring it and doesn’t think it’ll hurt anybody but aren’t entirely sure where it or its bits will land.  Meanwhile, Microsoft has begun warning Office 2003 users that it will begin pushing the software’s Service Pack 3 via Microsoft Update next month.  This follows a dustup earlier this month over new security settings in Office 2003 SP3 that landed on a lot of users, blocking access to a swath of older file formats.  Fortunately for us Microsoft and the Federal Government have let us know something is coming so now we can relax.

“I know that I can’t do shit about the satellite landing on my house or Microsoft screwing up my Office software, but at least I’ll know what it was if I get creamed by either,” said Bodacious Colander, a voluptuous woman who typically lets bothersome things slide past her like cat box sand through a sieve, and only pays attention to bothersome clumpy stuff.  “Sure I’d like to avoid being crushed by government satellites and Microsoft updates just like the next person.  But what am I supposed to do about it?  Guess I’ll have a beer and hope for the best.”

Not everyone is reacting so casually to the news.  “Holy shit we’re all going to die,” shouted consumer advocate Ralph Nader, spinning on the floor of his office like a top until his left shoe flew out a window and into the storm sewer.  “We need an FBI inquiry into the Federal Government and a lawsuit against Microsoft and I need some shoes because I just lost one, and I haven’t had lunch yet, but it’ll probably kill me if I eat it because of all the trans fats and additives and microbes that I can’t see.  Shit, shit, shit.  Where’s the damn Tylenol?

On Monday White House National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe said that since 75 percent of the Earth is covered in water and much of the land is uninhabited, the likely percentage of the spy satellite or any debris falling into a populated area is very small.  But he said the U.S. government was monitoring the satellite’s descent from orbit and examining different options to “mitigate any damage.”  The U.S. military could potentially use a missile to destroy the minivan-sized satellite in space, but one senior U.S. defense official said that was unlikely for several reasons, including concern about creating space debris as China did when it shot down one of its satellites last year. 

On Monday Microsoft Corp. gave users of its Office 2003 application suite a 30-day warning that it will begin pushing the software’s Service Pack 3 via Microsoft Update.  Customers who have not already installed SP3 and that have chosen to receive updates automatically will start to receive the service pack as early as February 27, a Microsoft spokeswoman said.  The notice followed a problem earlier this month when new security settings in Office 2003 SP3 blocked access to older file formats.  After users complained on the company’s support forums, and a software rival asked why its files were being barred, Microsoft apologized and posted work-arounds to make it easier for users to unblock the formats. 

In other news, all the front running Democrat candidates for president have said that if they’re elected they will increase taxes and cut our military defense, beginning in the Middle East.  Now that we know, we can all relax and not worry about it.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Spy Satellite Will Plunge to Earth, Probably Will Miss You

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.