Daily Archives: January 31, 2008

Middle-Aged and Miserable; Infrared Hat to The Rescue

Researchers verify age of depression; others invent tech treatment

Inebriated Press
January 31, 2008

Fox News reported Tuesday that U.S. and U.K. researchers using data from two million people and 80 countries have determined that most people in the world become depressed at age 44.  In the U.S. the peak depression age for women is 40 and for men it’s 50.  No one is sure why.  And in a related story, Dr. Abdel Ennaceur, a researcher at the University of Sunderland says he and his research team have developed an Alzheimer’s hat that will stop the progression of the disease by bombarding the brain with a specific wavelength of infrared light.  Some researchers think that if 40 year olds without Alzheimer’s start wearing the hat, maybe they’ll perk up.

“We’ve known for years that middle-aged individuals get to feeling blue and start drinking and sleeping around with people other than their spouses; guys start driving sports cars and wearing lots of jewelry and women buy loads of shoes and shop like their addicted to it,” said Dr. Phibes, a researcher of humans dead, undead and partially dead, who likes needle point and drawbridges.  “This study merely confirms it.  The good news is that if people make it to age 70 and are still physically fit, they are on average as happy and mentally healthy as a 20-year old.  Beyond that it’s hard to tell, but I think the Alzheimer’s hat might help out from ages 40 to 70 and then maybe later on too.”

Some people think the Alzheimer’s hat should be used at age 30 just to try and perk people up so they can avoid the disease and maybe depression too.  “I think peoples brain cells should be bombarded by infrared light and other shit as soon as they break 29 and it should continue until they drop dead,” said animal rights activist and humanitarian Felix Moore, a man often confused with an asshole.  “Humans are pissed off a lot of the time at all ages and that makes them hurt cats and dogs.  If it were up to me, the use of infrared light on the brains of men and women would just be a start.  I’ve got some stuff I carry in a bag here, that I’d like to use on a few people I’ve met.  I’m not sure it would make them less depressed, but I know I’d feel better.”

The British and U.S. researchers found that happiness for people ranging from Albania to Zimbabwe follows a U-shaped curve where life begins cheerful before turning tough during middle age and then returning to the joys of youth in the golden years.  “It happens to men and women, to single and married people, to rich and poor, and to those with and without children,” said Andrew Oswald at Warwick University, who co-led the study.  “Nobody knows why we see this consistency.”

A team of British researchers is showcasing the bizarre-looking contraption that they call the Alzheimer’s hat.  They say it could stimulate the healing and regeneration of brain cells using a specific wavelength of infrared light — a category of radiation most often associated with heat energy.  Human trials on the Alzheimer’s hat are scheduled to begin this summer.  A U.K.-based medical research company has in the past developed a machine to treat cold sores using the same infrared technology from which the hat is said to derive its benefits.

“Cold sores, Alzheimer’s and middle aged depression are all pretty much the same thing,” said Charlie Chan, a depressed middle aged detective with a cold sore and a tendency to forget he’s Irish.  “Right now this infrared hat is too big to wear around town and has to be hooked to a large power supply.  If we can downsize it and integrate it into Nike caps we’ll have people running around in sportswear all cheerful and without cold sores.  It’s an idea worth spending lots of money on.  Send me some will yah; I’m a little short right now.”

In related news, political scientists are intrigued by the infrared hat idea and hope that in the future a hat can be created that infuses common sense into political candidates.  Regardless of age, hope continues to spring eternal.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Humans: Bane of the Earth, or Natural Selection in Action

Debate over the value of people, matter and common sense continues

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
January 31, 2008

Human beings have been increasingly turning against themselves in what some call masochism and others call a practical approach to saving the earth.  Green activists blame humans for changes in the world’s climate and the extinction of plants and animals and are advocating a combination of ecology and selective suicide.  Others argue that humankind is too puny to impact the world sufficiently to cause either a good or bad planetary outcome, but if we can we’re just proving to be the most highly evolved and should be wiping out all species that get in our way.  Doctor Kevorkian favors mass suicide and Rush Limbaugh says it’s a safe bet for people to do anything they want.  The debate rages.

“Al Qaeda has it figured out and we should be killing Westerners who have wasteful values and begin immediately destroying current industry and technology and replacing it with systems from the 1300’s,” said a guy claiming to be former British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, encouraging peaceful resolution by giving in.  “Humankind is the reason for every problem that exists in the world.  Ultimately we may have to eliminate all people if we hope to live good lives well into the future.  Or something like that.”

Not everyone thinks humans should be wiped out because they might be doing some things wrong.  “I exist in time and space on this planet and like the creatures before me, I’ll eat what I want, live where I want and do what I want so much as I can and if some big bug eats me, then so be it,” said Howard H. Cheeseman, a lactose intolerant wrestler who believes in survival of the fittest at all costs and at all times.  “In fact there should be no rules at all.  Anything that can be done should be done, unless someone tougher than me kicks my ass and won’t let me do it.  Beyond that, anything goes.  If an insect has to die, or winter isn’t so cold, so be it.  I’ll take that risk.”

The debate over human beings impact on the earth and whether car emissions, methane from cows or warm moist air off the ocean will ultimately wreck the earth and destroy the future spins on.  Interestingly, while it appears most experts and nobodies are all convinced that aerosol from cans are destroying the earth’s ozone layer and changing the climate, it wasn’t so long ago that the U.S. and Soviet Union were blowing up atom bombs in the atmosphere over the earth just to see what would happen.  Some scientists in the 1960’s believed that by exploding the devises in space, that the universe itself would be destroyed.  That’s why some favored it; others didn’t.  Time will tell whether cow burps destroy us, greenhouse gas, or silly things we did with bombs in the past that we don’t even remember anymore.  Or, if in fact, we have any impact at all.

“There’s nothing to worry about unless you’re a worrier who just wants to worry,” said Tootsie Blonde, a cute co-ed who believes that humans focus way too much on themselves and their impact on things, but really don’t mean shit in the scope of the universe, time or space.  “We can’t see the edge of the universe and haven’t a clue what’s at the bottom of the ocean.  In the 1970’s scientists were convinced we were entering an ice age because the earth was cooling and now we think we’re destroying the earth because it’s getting warm.  We could be in a 10,000 year cycle for all we know.  Let’s face it.  We have no clue what’s going on.  I mean really; who do we think we are, and what kind of universe challenging power do we think we exert?”

In other news, experts continue to insist they know everything and activists remain certain regardless of the facts.  Fortunately the news media reports only the most sensational stuff so we are able to avoid being bored and are able to worry about everything.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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