Humans: Bane of the Earth, or Natural Selection in Action

Debate over the value of people, matter and common sense continues

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
January 31, 2008

Human beings have been increasingly turning against themselves in what some call masochism and others call a practical approach to saving the earth.  Green activists blame humans for changes in the world’s climate and the extinction of plants and animals and are advocating a combination of ecology and selective suicide.  Others argue that humankind is too puny to impact the world sufficiently to cause either a good or bad planetary outcome, but if we can we’re just proving to be the most highly evolved and should be wiping out all species that get in our way.  Doctor Kevorkian favors mass suicide and Rush Limbaugh says it’s a safe bet for people to do anything they want.  The debate rages.

“Al Qaeda has it figured out and we should be killing Westerners who have wasteful values and begin immediately destroying current industry and technology and replacing it with systems from the 1300’s,” said a guy claiming to be former British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, encouraging peaceful resolution by giving in.  “Humankind is the reason for every problem that exists in the world.  Ultimately we may have to eliminate all people if we hope to live good lives well into the future.  Or something like that.”

Not everyone thinks humans should be wiped out because they might be doing some things wrong.  “I exist in time and space on this planet and like the creatures before me, I’ll eat what I want, live where I want and do what I want so much as I can and if some big bug eats me, then so be it,” said Howard H. Cheeseman, a lactose intolerant wrestler who believes in survival of the fittest at all costs and at all times.  “In fact there should be no rules at all.  Anything that can be done should be done, unless someone tougher than me kicks my ass and won’t let me do it.  Beyond that, anything goes.  If an insect has to die, or winter isn’t so cold, so be it.  I’ll take that risk.”

The debate over human beings impact on the earth and whether car emissions, methane from cows or warm moist air off the ocean will ultimately wreck the earth and destroy the future spins on.  Interestingly, while it appears most experts and nobodies are all convinced that aerosol from cans are destroying the earth’s ozone layer and changing the climate, it wasn’t so long ago that the U.S. and Soviet Union were blowing up atom bombs in the atmosphere over the earth just to see what would happen.  Some scientists in the 1960’s believed that by exploding the devises in space, that the universe itself would be destroyed.  That’s why some favored it; others didn’t.  Time will tell whether cow burps destroy us, greenhouse gas, or silly things we did with bombs in the past that we don’t even remember anymore.  Or, if in fact, we have any impact at all.

“There’s nothing to worry about unless you’re a worrier who just wants to worry,” said Tootsie Blonde, a cute co-ed who believes that humans focus way too much on themselves and their impact on things, but really don’t mean shit in the scope of the universe, time or space.  “We can’t see the edge of the universe and haven’t a clue what’s at the bottom of the ocean.  In the 1970’s scientists were convinced we were entering an ice age because the earth was cooling and now we think we’re destroying the earth because it’s getting warm.  We could be in a 10,000 year cycle for all we know.  Let’s face it.  We have no clue what’s going on.  I mean really; who do we think we are, and what kind of universe challenging power do we think we exert?”

In other news, experts continue to insist they know everything and activists remain certain regardless of the facts.  Fortunately the news media reports only the most sensational stuff so we are able to avoid being bored and are able to worry about everything.

(C) 2008

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