Middle-Aged and Miserable; Infrared Hat to The Rescue

Researchers verify age of depression; others invent tech treatment

Inebriated Press
January 31, 2008

Fox News reported Tuesday that U.S. and U.K. researchers using data from two million people and 80 countries have determined that most people in the world become depressed at age 44.  In the U.S. the peak depression age for women is 40 and for men it’s 50.  No one is sure why.  And in a related story, Dr. Abdel Ennaceur, a researcher at the University of Sunderland says he and his research team have developed an Alzheimer’s hat that will stop the progression of the disease by bombarding the brain with a specific wavelength of infrared light.  Some researchers think that if 40 year olds without Alzheimer’s start wearing the hat, maybe they’ll perk up.

“We’ve known for years that middle-aged individuals get to feeling blue and start drinking and sleeping around with people other than their spouses; guys start driving sports cars and wearing lots of jewelry and women buy loads of shoes and shop like their addicted to it,” said Dr. Phibes, a researcher of humans dead, undead and partially dead, who likes needle point and drawbridges.  “This study merely confirms it.  The good news is that if people make it to age 70 and are still physically fit, they are on average as happy and mentally healthy as a 20-year old.  Beyond that it’s hard to tell, but I think the Alzheimer’s hat might help out from ages 40 to 70 and then maybe later on too.”

Some people think the Alzheimer’s hat should be used at age 30 just to try and perk people up so they can avoid the disease and maybe depression too.  “I think peoples brain cells should be bombarded by infrared light and other shit as soon as they break 29 and it should continue until they drop dead,” said animal rights activist and humanitarian Felix Moore, a man often confused with an asshole.  “Humans are pissed off a lot of the time at all ages and that makes them hurt cats and dogs.  If it were up to me, the use of infrared light on the brains of men and women would just be a start.  I’ve got some stuff I carry in a bag here, that I’d like to use on a few people I’ve met.  I’m not sure it would make them less depressed, but I know I’d feel better.”

The British and U.S. researchers found that happiness for people ranging from Albania to Zimbabwe follows a U-shaped curve where life begins cheerful before turning tough during middle age and then returning to the joys of youth in the golden years.  “It happens to men and women, to single and married people, to rich and poor, and to those with and without children,” said Andrew Oswald at Warwick University, who co-led the study.  “Nobody knows why we see this consistency.”

A team of British researchers is showcasing the bizarre-looking contraption that they call the Alzheimer’s hat.  They say it could stimulate the healing and regeneration of brain cells using a specific wavelength of infrared light — a category of radiation most often associated with heat energy.  Human trials on the Alzheimer’s hat are scheduled to begin this summer.  A U.K.-based medical research company has in the past developed a machine to treat cold sores using the same infrared technology from which the hat is said to derive its benefits.

“Cold sores, Alzheimer’s and middle aged depression are all pretty much the same thing,” said Charlie Chan, a depressed middle aged detective with a cold sore and a tendency to forget he’s Irish.  “Right now this infrared hat is too big to wear around town and has to be hooked to a large power supply.  If we can downsize it and integrate it into Nike caps we’ll have people running around in sportswear all cheerful and without cold sores.  It’s an idea worth spending lots of money on.  Send me some will yah; I’m a little short right now.”

In related news, political scientists are intrigued by the infrared hat idea and hope that in the future a hat can be created that infuses common sense into political candidates.  Regardless of age, hope continues to spring eternal.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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