Monthly Archives: February 2008

The Control of Sex and Data

Google to Own Extension Cord between U.S. and Asia
Brits to Require Sex-Ed for 5-year Olds

Inebriated Press
February 29, 2008

Information Week reports that a consortium that includes Google is planning a new trans-Pacific submarine cable to carry data to and from Asia.  On Tuesday, Google said it would join with five other telecom companies — Bharti Airtel, Global Transit, KDDI, Pacnet, and SingTel — to invest $300 million in the construction of a 10,000 km submarine cable.  And UK’s Daily Mail reports that children as young as five-years old could be given compulsory sex education.  Children’s Minister Beverley Hughes said delivery of Sex and Relationship Education across England will help tackle youth pregnancy.  Questions over the power and control of data continues.

“I can’t imagine there is a lot of pregnancy problems with 5-year old children in Britain, since no child is ovulating at that age,” said Quality Control, an Iranian woman in a purple bustier, recently outed as liking freedom of expression and quickly placed on the ‘shoot on sight list’ by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  “I understand governments that want to control information and how it’s shared with their citizens, but forcing kids to learn about sex before they can recite the alphabet is just a little ridiculous.  I like the idea of freedom, but without common sense it makes it easy for Islamofascists to sell some Muslims the idea that we need to blow-up people in the West.”

Not everyone thinks that transferring data indiscriminately to anyone is a bad thing.  “Google needs a bigger trunk line to transfer data between the U.S. and Asia because China is just starting to get into porn and we need a bigger data pipe,” said Google chief Sergey Brin, spinning a large globe with the countries Google’s market value is bigger than colored in blue.  “Data exchange of all kinds will continue to ramp up and as five year old kids get trained about sex and develop an appetite for porn, we’ll need huge fiber cables run between all the continents just to feed the high band-width needs of sex videos for children.  Add the need for data exchange involving news and information and you’ve got a lot of bandwidth demand.”

Daily Mail reported that British children as young as five could be required to receive sex education as part of a newly unveiled review of Sex and Relationship Education (SRE) in primary and secondary schools.  Panel members in the review include representatives from the Family Planning Association, Brook Advisory Centres, HIV charity the Terrence Higgins Trust and the Sex Education Forum.  Critics say it’ll expose sex to children too young to comprehend it, and do more harm than good.  They say the government is under pressure from the sex education establishment to introduce compulsory sex education for all children from the age of five and older.

Google will join with five other companies to invest in a 10,000 km trans-Pacific submarine cable to carry data to and from Asia.  When construction of “Unity” is complete in 2010, Google projects a 20% increase in the amount of available trans-Pacific bandwidth.  NEC and Tyco Telecommunications will be handling the construction.  What Google gets is bandwidth at cost, says Stephan Beckert, director of research for TeleGeography.  Google, along with Comcast, is one of the few companies that have opted to purchase and light long-haul dark fiber, he said.  It is the first non-telecom company to take an active role in submarine cable ownership.  Experts say Google has become a huge user of bandwidth since their purchase of YouTube and as more video moves to the web, bandwidth demand will continue to skyrocket.

“I can hardly imagine the bandwidth needs of the future once the demand for porn includes elementary and middle school students in addition to high school and college,” said Juggs Malone, a professional sex worker who often lobbies to include government funding of unbridled hedonism in all bills introduced to U.S. Congress.  “Morals and ethics are all illusory concepts forced on us by sexless bureaucrats in order to control desire and drive people like cattle into occupations that can generate taxable revenue.  They are misanthropes lacking carnal understanding and can’t grasp the exhilaration and freedom generated by taking off ones underwear in a public place and throwing it into a crowd.  Britney Spears understands.  She is my idol.”

In related news, Pakistan blocked access to YouTube inside its borders because it hosted a “blasphemous” video clip.  The Peshawar office of the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority (PTA), issued the blocking order.  Access to YouTube was restored in Pakistan by Tuesday after the video clip was removed.  Reports said the content included Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad.  Debate continues over why cartoons are bad but blowing up innocent people shopping in a marketplace is good.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Islamofascists Discover Inner Peace; Blow it Up

“Serenity has no place in our lives”

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
February 29, 2008

Iranian President and deep thinker Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking at an all night bingo game and death match in Tehran, said Islamofascist philosophers contemplating relaxation while accidentally drunk, stumbled upon inner peace and dozed off.  Upon awakening a couple of them wrote down their feelings and admitted that they were tempted with the idea of kicking back and trying it again, and were struggling to maintain their attitude of continual violence.  Ahmadinejad said the philosophers were quickly assassinated for their protection and that the notes about inner peace were blown up with plastic explosives.  Some analysts say the accidental discovery indicates that there are cracks of sanity beginning to show in some parts of the Islamofascist community, but others say it was a  mere cloud in an otherwise clear sky.

“It was a fluke, an accident, an anomaly,” said Islamofascist scholar and nuclear physicist Ackmud Umud Wemud, an asshole with a long pedigree of sameness, delusion and murder.  “Anyone who says otherwise will be blown to smithereens by freedom lovers like me, who are committed to a long standing hatred of anything and anyone who disagrees with us.”

Some people remain hopeful that somewhere in the dark recesses of the Islamofascist heart, they’ll find a stirring toward kindness and tolerance.  “We are to be tolerant of them but when we are, they kill us,” said Dusty Makeshift, a guy often covered with dirt who tends to cobble things together in order to get by.  “I’d be willing to be more relaxed about them if they weren’t killing everyone they disagreed with for no good reason.  I’m hopeful that this accidental discovery of inner peace will turn up again, despite them blowing it up the last time around.”

The quest for inner peace has been sought by millions of people across the ages, and some have discovered a semblance of it in faith in God, new age mysticism, a mixture of drugs and alcohol and occasionally other non-disclosed materials.  Confusion among so-called civilized nations over the continual and almost manic desire of Islamofascists to kill anyone who disagrees with them has been frustrating.  The frustration has on occasion resulted in a defense of their civilization by fighting back.  The fighting back has been with mixed feelings as the so-called civilized nations try not to become what they fight against.  Still, if they don’t fight back they risk being destroyed.  And so the conundrum reigns: the quest for inner peace must be defended with violence.  And the world turns.  And the struggle for common sense against senseless minions continues.  As it must.  Or peace is devoured by it.

“I hate to blow up those who blow us up, but in the long run, it’s the only practical thing to do,” said Simple Simon, a notorious pie maker known for deriving inner peace from a mixture of baked fruit and flour.  “If we don’t stop them, then they won’t be stopped and their Hitleresque ways will become our way of life.  I prefer it not.”

In barely related news, piemen and Islamofascists have struggled to see eye to eye over the millennia and while inner peace has often eluded them both, the guys with the pies seem to have gotten the bigger piece.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Neverland Ranch and Democrat Fantasy

Michael Jackson’s Neverland to be Auctioned;
Like the Democrat Debates, It was Never about Reality

Inebriated Press
February 28, 2008

The New York Times reported yesterday that Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch has been foreclosed on and is up for auction.  And like the recent debates between Democrat presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, it was never about reality, just fantasy and imagination run wild.  Still some folks think Jackson is as grounded in the real world as any left leaning presidential candidate.

“You can’t criticize a guy who became famous and then did screwy stuff with his life and pretends he’s a grown up, just because hides who he is behind costumes and an imaginary world view,” said someone claiming to be the source of this story.  “That’s the same thing that Obama and Clinton are doing, and they’re about to take control of the most powerful nation in the world, during the most turbulent terrorist-oriented moment in our country’s history.  This is the new reality and just because some people trapped by common sense are scared shitless about it, it doesn’t cease to be true.”

Not everyone agrees with the characterization that Obama and Hillary aren’t prepared to rule in the real world.  “Both Hillary and Obama, and to some extent Michael Jackson, are ready to run the U.S. government and generate change, just like they say they will,” said Tommy Freebase, a guy who believes in alternate realities and enjoys living in several of them simultaneously.  “This presidential campaign is about change and newness and not about anything else.  We’ll be sure to get some real change and see some serious new shit that we couldn’t have imagined if we elect one of the leading Democrat candidates as president.  Sure they don’t have experience with governing, and say that they’ll ignore U.S. Intelligence reports because they got us defending ourselves instead of just waiting to see what happened after 9-11.  But that’s the beauty of it.  With Hil or Obe in office, we can be darn sure we’ll get something different and that’s what’s important.”

UPI reported that Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch is to be auctioned off next month at the Santa Barbara County courthouse, if the pop star doesn’t pay $24.5 million he owes.  The 2,800-acre property in Los Olivos, California, was once Jackson’s home and boasted a private zoo and amusement park.  And in their final debate before critical primaries in Ohio and Texas, Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton clashed over who has the most expensive national health-care plan, whose opinion is most popular about Iraq and who would increase taxes fastest as president.  The two agree on everything policy and spending related, except each thinks the other isn’t as smart and that they can do better.  Both are left of Ted Kennedy so it boils down to which one is the most popular or least liked.  Basically the same thing that Jackson says is his challenge nowadays.

“People don’t all like me so I’m going broke and can’t pay my bills and it’s the Republicans fault because of the mortgage and terrorist problems,” said Jackson, from an underground party of semi-protozoa who struggle to remember what they looked like before multiple surgical modifications.  “I’m a believer in change for change sake just like Hillary and Barack and change has sure done me good.  If we can get the Republican stick-in-the-muds out of office, I’ll look a lot better and so will the power structure of the Democrat National Party (DNC).  With Hillary and Obama at the top, and Nancy Pelosi running the House and Harry Reid the Senate, DNC chair Howard Dean will be ‘yeehawing’ it all the way to the office every morning.  I’m sure there’ll be a new social program in there to bail out celebrities who have blown their millions.  At least there’d better be.”

In other news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Tuesday that the rocket they launched recently was in development for only nine months and was of their own design.  He said that they only got a little help from North Korea and Russia.  No word on whether he still sees a nuclear future without the existence of U.S. and Israel, but Barack says there’s nothing to worry about.  “The world I see is one of peace and love,” said Obama, channeling Janis Joplin on one of days she was conscious.  “Pass me another one of those brownies and let’s see what else the future looks like.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Breast Popularity to Fade

Only babies and medical professionals to retain interest

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 28, 2008

Doctor Phibes, a noted student of women and their appendages recently declared at an all night bachelor party, that men’s interest in breasts is fading away.  Speaking scientifically from a podium at the Hapless Cowboy Lounge last Saturday evening, Phibes said that guys of the future will be more interested in big knuckles and women with hands strong enough to crush unopened beer cans.  Patrons of the arts say Phibes is off his rocker but others think he’s on to something. 

“This male infatuation with breasts has been going on for a long while and it’s time that it goes away and a whole new fetish gets started,” said Lucy Lu, a young woman with breasts of her own that have occasionally garnered interest over the years.  “This beefy hand thing sounds good to me.  I’ll be able to avoid silicon implants and keep sharp objects from chopping on my chest.  I’ll start doing hand strength exercises starting next week.”

Not everyone thinks men’s interest in women’s breasts is going away.  “It won’t happen.  Not on my watch,” said Hugh Hefner, an advocate of men’s infatuation with breasts and an enabler of the same for decades.  “Sure babies and med students will keep their infatuation, I can buy that.  But men losing theirs?  Nope.  Nuzzling soft bouncing boobies will never go out of fashion.  Our investment in silicon and pictures of ripely nippled jugs is sound.”

Recently a number of doctors from space and other regions have begun to believe that in the future there will be less interest in silicon inside breasts on earth or inside life forms on Saturn.  They believe that the over abundance of enhancements scattered across female and alien landscapes is causing men to overdose on silicon and will ultimately shift their interest to other appendages.  Whether this morphs into women crushing beer cans or some other form of weirdness is anybodies guess.

“It could be that strong-handed women will indiscriminately start crushing beer cans, I suppose,” said Carpy Newcastle, a body builder who smells like fish and is often spotted cleaning toilets for fun in his spare time.  “But I’m not sure if that means guys will start fondling muscular fingers and lose interest in big busted women.  I may not smell very good, but I still think this hand instead of tits thing just won’t catch on.”

In related news, one strong hand is still no replacement for two nice breasts.  At least that’s what someone claiming to be the Pope said.  No one is sure that it was really him, but Sister Mary Claire says it rings true.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Pre-Olympic Window Dressing and Illusions of Harmony

China chats rights, North Korea listens to music

Inebriated Press
February 27, 2008

China declared Tuesday it is willing to resume a long-stalled human rights dialogue with the United States, seeking to improve its image before this summer’s Olympic Games in Beijing.  And an audience of North Korea’s communist elite gave the New York Philharmonic a standing ovation after a rousing set of tunes.  North Korea shut down its main nuclear reactor but hasn’t dismantled it or provided a complete list of programs as it has previously agreed, but said they’d listen to American’s make music anyway.  Debate over the honesty and integrity of communists continues in a few circles.

“Kim Jong-il has played this hand with great success over and over and there’s no reason to believe he’s playing a different one now,” said Conscious Citizen, a short fellow who gave up pretend for reality five years ago.  “Jong-il leverages gifts like oil, food and money out of the West and then agrees to dismantle his nuclear program and provide full disclosure.  He then proceeds to accept delivery of the toys and gifts and starts to show a little compliance; then stops and cries for more gifts, delivered faster.  It’s typical shake-down bullshit that every hoodlum and middle school kid understands.  Only the Chinese offer of full and free human rights can be believed.  Of course if you actually do believe that, I want you to know that I’m the exclusive representative of ocean front property in Arizona and can sell you some for little of nothing!”

Not everyone is so suspicious of the motives of self professed communists who offer peace through extortion.  “I have a dream, and that dream is to sit down with the heads of states across the world, and talk about peace and love and harmony, and just how much American cash everyone needs to start pretending to be civil,” said Barack Obama, a Senator and presidential candidate, currently in line to take over the U.S. pocketbook and fund an extensive list of new priorities designed to buy peace and prosperity in our time.  “Americans must redefine how they view the world and begin to understand that by laying down our arms and providing Nigerians with access to our bank accounts, we’ll be able to transfer large amounts of funds to help them out and even make a little money on the side.  It’s all about finding harmony by giving in and sharing our wealth and paying other peoples bills.  We’ve been such bastards to think that it’s enough to help people get on their feet and fend for themselves.”

China suspended participation in the regular U.S.-China human rights dialogue in 2004 after the United States sponsored a resolution in the Geneva-based U.N. Human Rights Commission urging condemnation of China’s record.  Chinese officials considered the U.S. move in Geneva as interference in Chinese affairs and a display of hostility that made further formal dialogue impossible.  China’s recent declaration seems designed as a response to the growing volume of criticism from Western human rights groups that China is not a fit host for the Olympics because of rights abuses.  In particular, the groups have condemned China’s imprisonment of government critics who speak out on the Internet. 

The West has been showering aid and concessions on North Korea as part of reconciliation efforts while getting little in return, something that is starting to vex Washington.  Talks have been deadlocked for months over whether the North has fulfilled its commitment to account for all of its nuclear programs as it committed to do in the six-party talks by Dec. 31, 2007, a deadline that passed nearly two months ago.  North Korea says it has already provided the declaration, but Washington says Pyongyang has not yet given a complete accounting, particularly about alleged transfers of nuclear equipment and know-how to other countries.  Still, the Koreans enjoyed the Philharmonic.
 
“We enjoy getting free things from the West like music, oil, food and money,” said a North Korean spokesman, taking a break from torturing some dissidents’ accused of illegally wearing jumpsuits similar to Jong-Il’s.  “The New York Philharmonic did a nice job and it could only have been better if they’d handed out bags of cash and cheese sandwiches.  Other than that, it was okay.”

In unrelated news, British security officials exposed a network of terrorist training camps preparing recruits for mass-murder.  The International Herald Tribune reported yesterday that young Muslim men clad in mud-smeared combat fatigues, have been training in picturesque British farmland, hurling imaginary grenades, wielding sticks as mock rifles and chopping watermelons in simulated beheadings.  Officials fear the case shows British citizens can now be radicalized, trained and funded to carry out terror attacks — without ever leaving the country.  But Barack Obama isn’t worried.  “If the Brit’s give them enough money, the Islamofascists will leave them alone.  I’ll help them understand that when I visit as U.S. president next year.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Baseball, Hookers and Horses

Hecho’s Life and Times

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 27, 2008

Hecho N. Mexico, a made man of substance and intellectual curiosity recently saved his ass in a bar fight having learned to tell the difference between it and a baseball bat.  Bystanders in the bar, Nightshade Booze, Baseball and Hookers, said Hecho used to take frequent beatings when he didn’t know his ass from a ball bat, but that things changed dramatically once he could tell the difference.  Sadly his horse was lost in a lagoon next to the bar.  Debate rages over whether Hecho would have lost his horse had he not been in a fight over a hooker in the first place.

“You don’t lose horses if you keep away from booze and hookers,” said Zelda Mae Crabtree, a crusty old bag with an opinion about everything.  “Getting into bar fights, mixing it up with baseball bats and cozying up to hookers.  No wonder his poor horse wandered into the lagoon.  Probably couldn’t bear to be seen with Hecho anymore.  It was suicide I tell you.  Suicide plan and simple.”

Not everyone sees it the way the crusty Crabtree does.  “A guy should be able to defend himself with a baseball bat against insults and not lose an animal over it,” said Nevesto Firehazard, an arcane bumbler often confused with the Count of Monte Cristo and the Queen of England.  “To enjoy life and have nice things; to reach for ones dreams and give gifts to others; to beat the shit of people you don’t like because of a hooker.  Such is the stuff of living, and if horses wander into a lagoon from time to time, well, so be it.”

The loss of ones pets or other animals and the gaining or losing of comfortable surroundings is often pondered over by people with time on their hands.  And since most people do on occasion, have time to spare, they ponder over things like these.  And of such pondering, stems the occasional plan, or idea or hope filled endeavor.  Still, when men like Hecho risk their horses while finding their ass and clubbing people while clubbing, whether engaging either strippers or hookers, there are some who take offense. 

“Tie up the darn horse before you go into the bar for crying out loud,” said Lightening Sarsaparilla, a potent drink of water well known in social circles for harness racing.  “Philosophize and pontificate all you want about horses and hookers.  Just tie up the horse or leave it at home in the pasture.  That’s the best way to keep it from falling into a lagoon.  The guy may have saved his ass, but he’s lost his mind.”

In related news, fine sounding words and mental gymnastics are sometimes fun to listen too, but knowing the difference between your ass and a baseball bat is never enough to keep your horse out of a lagoon if you’re too stupid to tie it up.  At least that’s what the Queen of England says.  Or so it’s rumored.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Can You Afford to Know Your DNA Code

Another don’t ask, don’t tell policy?

Inebriated Press
February 26, 2008

The New York Times reported Sunday that a new DNA test that can tell you if you’re going to come down with a specific disease in the future, is generating fear among potential users.  Once thought to be a boon to users who could plan medical treatments in advance of a disease, the impact of this information on health care premiums — or even insurance cancelation — is causing some people to avoid it altogether.  Debate over the implications of accurate prediction of the future is ramping up.

“Suppose I knew that I was going to come down with a particular form of cancer as I age.  I could alter my lifestyle and try to make it less severe, but my DNA is telling me that it’s hard coded into my system and I’m not going to escape it,” said Healthy Sweat, a gorgeous physical specimen of manhood destined by his DNA code to break within the next decade or so.  “If my insurance company knows this and believes I’ll have a long-term expensive fight with the disease, it only makes sense that they cancel my policy within the next couple of years.  They’d collect my premiums and get the near-term benefits while the odds favor good times, and then bail.  I’ve been doing that with girlfriends for years, why wouldn’t a cold glass building representing my insurance provider do it to me?”

Ethicists who hate Healthy Sweat’s treatment of girlfriends also say it would be inappropriate for insurance companies to treat people so callously.  “Insurance isn’t only about profit, it’s about providing money to care for a person who is ill,” said Hope Formore, an insurance activist whose baseless dream of a perfect national healthcare system takes up most of her mornings.  “It can’t only boil down to an actuarial table alone can it?  I mean, if it’s all just a crap shoot, then insurance ends up being a huge financial loss for almost everyone who pays premiums.  Like a Vegas casino, only the house really wins.”

Victoria Grove wanted to find out if she was destined to develop the form of emphysema that ran in her family, but she did not want to ask her doctor for the DNA test that would tell her, the New York Times reported.  She worried that she might not be able to get health insurance, or even a job, if a genetic predisposition showed up in her medical records, especially since treatment for the condition, alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency, could cost over $100,000 a year.  Instead, Ms. Grove sought out a service that sent a test kit to her home and returned the results directly to her.  Nor did she tell her doctor when the test revealed that she was virtually certain to get it.  Will her insurance company, hung with a future bill, position a defense by asking when she knew she was at risk, and whom did she tell?  Can they get around paying for her treatment?

“We’re in the insurance business to provide a service as long as it’s profitable to us and our shareholders,” said Huge Executive, a compassionate health insurance provider busily pushing a heart bypass patient out of the hospital because he had healed for long enough.  “We are eager to know the DNA data on our policy holders so we can rejigger the risks to our company by hiking the appropriate premium rates, or canceling the greatest risks.  Of course those healthy folks who have DNA that says they’ll avoid all major diseases won’t have their premiums increased much.  Just enough to cover the testing and the increasing odds that they’ll eat beef from a U.S. food recall, or chew a lead-based Chinese toy.”

In other news, consumer advocate Ralph Nader has announced that he’s running for President of the United States again.  Nader keeps running for the office despite getting a smaller and smaller share of voters each time he does.  Political pundits say he’ll probably get even fewer votes this election than he has in previous ones.  No one can figure out why he keeps doing it, but insurance executives suspect it’s something in his DNA.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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