New “power of jugs” philosophy to drive campaign
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
February 1, 2008
Former president Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton’s campaign assistant, confirmed today that the presidential candidate is having breast augmentation surgery next week in a last ditch effort to tempt more men to vote for her. Bill said that Hillary already has the Hispanic and women’s vote locked up but has been struggling to capture support from black and white men alike. Extensive studies indicate that ninety percent of men regardless of color or background are heavily influenced by women with big knockers, so the campaign is making their move now.
“We’re going double-D as early as next Tuesday, and hope to be back in front of guys within a couple of weeks, depending on how many pain med’s Hillary is on,” said the former president, an expert in breasts both augmented and natural. “The campaign’s never been about substance anyway so it’s not a big adjustment. In fact we think it’ll be easier to bait and switch now that we can distract guys with the big hooters we’re loading Hillary up with. Let’s face it, as president she’ll be able to wield the power of jugs against both the Republicans and foreign officials too. They’re an asset worth acquiring. Ask any bunny. I mean anybody. I know I’m excited.”
Hillary denies that she’s planning to change her body in order to gain votes. “Bill’s as full of shit as he always was,” laughed the candidate, bouncing in several places we won’t describe. “I’m not changing my chest for him or any man. Now if my campaign manager Patti Doyle suggested it, sure I’d be at the doctors and have my chest rebuilt at the drop of a hat. Bill’s wanted me to get bigger hooters for years. It’s just him trying to trick me again. That rascal.”
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has been slipping in some polls recently and has been trying to find new ways to capture votes and hold off a tough campaign run by Barack Obama. She recently tried sticking pins in voodoo dolls designed to look like Obama, but it has had limited effectiveness. Rumors that she was planning to change her breast size started a month ago but was quickly squelched by sailors on leave from the Antarctic, who have connections to that kind of information.
“She thought about it but decided to stick with plans to split the electorate by making blacks, whites and young and old fight each other and then blame it on Obama,” said seaman Zippy Carmichael, an under-aged senior citizen who often frequents mud wrestling venues for the hot dogs. “It was really just Bill Clinton who wanted her to augment her breasts. He’s never really been happy with them and has experience with the size and type he thinks are the best for him and the electorate. It may seem unimportant to some, but of all the men who have lived in the White House, Bill’s the one who really understands both voters and tits. It’s no contest.”
In related news, a recent survey of voters found that most don’t want superficial presidential candidates who lack substance, but plan to vote anyway.
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