Aging tech exec chases girl wonder
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
February 4, 2008
Apple Corporation put out a release last week noting that Apple TV 2.0 needs more development time to enable it to fully render the upcoming 3-dimensional “Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Movie”. Insiders say Apple CEO Steve Jobs not only wants his system to fully render the film, but that he also wants the best of both worlds for himself: technical wizard and control of cutie-pie Miley Cyrus, the 15 year-old star who plays Hannah. Reportedly he would like to buy or rent her and then marry the star when she’s of age. Jobs disputes the report.
“I’m 52 years-old and could be Miley’s dad. I’m not interested in marrying her, that’s crazy talk,” said Jobs, the father of four children from two different women, who eats only vegetables and occasionally swears without provocation. “We just have some software issues with Apple TV that we have to finish up. It’s got nothing to do with a fetish for young girls.”
Not everyone thinks Jobs is being straight forward. “It’s about leveraging investments into the future and some kind of an actress-slave-ring all tied to a planned Apple Productions Entertainment (APE) Division that Jobs has planned,” said Inebriated investigative reporter Stoned Phillips, licking an unnamed white powder off the back of his left hand. “The word on the street is Jobs wants to acquire talent and stockpile it for his APE movie production division. He’s trying to buy Miley Cyrus and offered her dad $15 million plus some Forever postage stamps. Her dad, Billy Ray, just blew him off. I heard that Jobs already owns the rights to Harlow, Nicole Richie’s daughter.”
Steve Jobs is the co-founder, Chairman and CEO of Apple Inc, and was the CEO of Pixar Animation Studios until it was acquired by the Walt Disney Company in 2006. Jobs is currently the Walt Disney Company’s largest individual shareholder and a member of its Board of Directors. Apple put out a press release Wednesday saying that the new Apple TV 2.0 software update, which allows users to rent high-definition movies directly from their widescreen TVs, is not quite finished. Current owners of Apple TV will be able to download the software update in a week or two, Apple said.
Miley Cyrus is an American actress, singer and songwriter. She is perhaps best known for starring as Miley Stewart/Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel Original Series, Hannah Montana. Cyrus is the daughter of country singer Billy Ray Cyrus and Leticia “Tish” Cyrus. Miley’s 3-D film, “Best of Both Worlds” Hannah Montana tour, hit movie theater screens this past weekend. Before it even ran it was already one of the top 10 movies of all time in presold tickets on the Web site MovieTickets.com — ahead of “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” and “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.” Media moguls say Cyrus will personally generate more money than Jobs has offered for her purchase.
“Jobs is a shrewd guy and brilliant strategist, so attempting to buy Miley Cyrus outright and leverage her future production value makes sound business sense,” said a Merrill Lynch investment planner, hiding behind a large plant and twitching sock puppets aggressively for added emphasis. “The use of the Forever stamp was a great idea because they’ll hold value and the Cyrus family could use them to send letters in the future no matter how high the postage rates go. I tried buying Pam Anderson once but all I could afford was one of her used silicon implants. Still, it makes an interesting paper weight.”
In other news, the CIA Factbook says that Iran continues to be a major source, transit, and destination country for women and girls trafficked for the purposes of sexual exploitation and involuntary servitude. No word on whether the Islamofascist leaders will eventually switch to 3-D movies, or if they are convinced that their faith requires using real people.
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