Sergey Brin, CEO says, “Microsoft will never catch up now”
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 5, 2008
Close on the heels of last weeks announcement that Microsoft Corporation is buying web search giant Yahoo!, Google executives have announced their purchase of the People’s Republic of China. According to Sergey Brin, Google CEO and author of the book “How to Take over the World,” it was the best way to lock down a huge swath of the earth’s search engine users and knock-out any serious competition from anyone else.
“It’s been a slow steady climb to the top of the search-engine web-empire, but it’s ours,” said CEO Brin, wearing a hat first made famous by Napoleon. “We aren’t going to let Microsoft chop into our user base by starting a string of corporate acquisitions while we stand idly by. By purchasing China and only allowing Google to be used as a search engine in that country, we control the world’s largest single base of web users and assure our shareholders that the Microsoft-Yahoo combination will always be an ‘also ran.’ Google’s multi-colored logo will only be red now, but hey, we’ve got nukes too!”
Not everyone is comfortable with the escalating search engine war. “We need to stop the continued consolidation of web search and the world information empires being built and fight for alternatives to keep web users free,” said Inky Bureau, some guy we found in a Hooter’s eating fries and searching for love. “If we allow these web powers to dominate Internet search, we’ll only find what they want us to find, and obscure truths will disappear. We’ll be left with nothing but industrialized information. I’m a big believer in obscure truth. It gives life meaning. That and chicken wings.”
According to website news portal China View, Microsoft on Friday courted Yahoo with a 44.6-billion-U.S.-dollar merger offer, or 31 dollars per share. It came after almost a year of debate and the realization that neither firm can take on the giant that is Google. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer touted “significant benefits of scale in advertising platform economics” as one of the key advantages of the acquisition. Currently, Google is widely seen to be the technology and market leader in online advertising. According to estimates by Market Space Advisory, a U.S. strategy consulting firm, 42 percent of online advertising business is dominated by Google while Microsoft, Yahoo, and Time Warner’s AOL combined have about the same percentage of the market.
In China, that country has currently been experiencing a `hot’ economy and rising inflation concerns. Recent snowstorms are likely to exacerbate inflation, by pushing up food prices further in February. Stronger inflation pressure may force further tightening of macro policy and thus hurt growth. Year-on-year prices for livestock and poultry rose 41.4 percent in December 2007, according to the People’s Bank of China. The economic strength of China may have peaked near-term.
“Business and finance in China has peaked for the time being and we may be headed into a slump,” said Jun Ma, chief economist for Greater China at Deutsche Bank, and a strong believer in buying low and selling high. “It was only reasonable that China’s top officials sell the country to Google now, since its value isn’t going to get much greater. Google looked at buying Russia, but didn’t trust the mafia leaders that are running that country. They felt better about buying China because those leaders can be counted on to be consistent in how they lie and cheat. The Russian’s on the other hand are all over the place.”
In other news, the U.S. search for relevant candidates to run the country as president continues and the quality seems to have peaked sometime around Abraham Lincoln. Experts say the country will probably still elect someone anyway.
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