Coca Cola Contains Mind Altering Drugs

Generates random personality traits

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 7, 2008

Schizophrenics and drug dealers can now take solace in the fact that Coca Cola has been discovered to contain mind changing drugs that cause people to take on random personalities.  Long thought to be the prerogative of nuts and illegal narcotics users, rapid changes in personality and behavior is now linked to the common soft drink.  Consumer activists are shocked, dismayed and hiring lawyers by the bushel.  The Coca Cola Company disputes the report.

“Corn syrup is not a mind altering drug that causes random changes in personality,” said Coca-Cola CEO Neville Isdell, kicking a Diet Pepsi can into the sewer and quietly cursing his mom’s choice of his first name.  “This is nothing more than an ugly rumor being circulated by our arch rival, PepsiCo.  Ever since they hoodwinked us into the Classic Coke debacle, they’ve been pushing our buttons.  I’d call them bad names, but I’ll let my legal counsel do that.”

Activists are convinced that Coke has been messing with our brains for years.  “It’s not enough that they use babes and studs in their ad’s and an occasional polar bear just to mess with us,” said consumer activist Cubic Zirconium, a flashy babe considered by some to be long on style but short on substance.  “Now they’ve got this corn based additive that makes me think I’m King Kong one day and Ryan Seacrest the next.  I’ve destroyed four buildings and the careers of three singers in the span of two weeks.  It’s the Coke I tell you; it’s the Coke!”

Over the years consumer advocates and UFO spotters have frequently debated the effect of obscure chemicals and strange sounding additives, tucked by large corporations into our favorite foods and soft drinks.  The term “natural” has being argued at the United States Department of Agriculture in recent months and some people think that anything that exists or can exist is therefore “natural”, while others believe if it doesn’t exist in nature and have a track record of sameness across time, it can’t be defined as something “natural”.  Arguments over how much modification a product can have and still be considered a natural one continues, as does the debate over Coke, Pepsi and the American way.

“I like natural things but am fine with breast augmentation, artificial sweeteners and personalities that can change on a dime,” said psychotherapist Albert Ellis, a man so wrapped up in his work that he forgot he died last July and continues to pay his bills and debate the nature of neurosis and high-class whining.  “People are born with a talent for crooked thinking and make up conspiracies if it makes them happy.  Most companies only add behavior altering drugs to acquire market share, like the tobacco companies.  That doesn’t make them bad; it just makes them aggressive capitalists.  And that’s good for the economy.  Certainly hasn’t hurt my business.”

In related news, some people say Pamela Anderson’s breasts are fake so that means her personality is too.  Others say she’s just an aggressive capitalist.  Still others say it’s the Coke.

(C) 2008

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