Governments unite to shave 28 feet off mountain
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 8, 2008
In an amazing display of unity never before seen in the history of humankind, all countries except Sweden have united to shave 8.5344 meters (twenty-eight feet) off of the top of Mount Everest. Known as the highest mountain in the world, Everest stands 29,028 feet above sea level and it’s exact height has been debated and argued over in bars for years. Scientists have said enough already and governments have been enlisted to shave the mountain down to 29,000 feet exactly. Only Sweden will have no part of it.
“This idea that Mount Everest is too high and we need to trim it down to an even number of feet is simply crazy,” said Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt, licking a small fish and wondering where the Swedish Bikini Team went to. “If we were to get serious about doing this thing, we should be adjusting the size in meters and not feet. But the reality is that changing the size of Everest won’t benefit anyone except maybe a few American kids who will be able to remember it’s height more easily when answering quiz questions in school. I don’t think that’s enough to base this kind of effort and expense on.”
But the group “Really United for a Shorter Everest” (RUSE) believes it’s high time that the mountain wasn’t so high. “There have been generations of American kids who have gotten the wrong answer on tests about the height of Mount Everest, and we’ve set out to change that by changing reality and making it fit our belief of how things ought to be,” said Nancy Drew, a height challenged activist occasionally mistaken for a girl detective by the U.S. Postal Service. “Using additive enhanced soft drinks we’ve been able to get all the countries of the world to come together in this effort of unity in our time. Except for Sweden. They’ve got some kind of fish that repels the additive. Can’t win’em all I guess.”
Uniting the world in peaceful endeavors has been a quest of various groups, real and imagined, over the years. The Olympic games is the most widely known as an effort for peaceful competition among the countries and will be held in Beijing, China in 2008. Some world officials believe that China is arming itself and loading up on other countries debt so that after the games of track and field they can begin one of attack and foil. Distrust of the world by China following Mao’s taking over the country, has been replaced by distrust of China by the world today. The shifting of major manufacturing operations to China and greater dependence on the communist regime and it’s cronies has some unions and independent minded people in free nations concerned, but others believe that China’s time has finally come, and that’s okay.
“China had internal dynasties for centuries and is now organized into one powerful nation with more people and stolen technology than any other,” said Clu Less, a historian who likes ice cream and totalitarianism. “They deserve to rule the planet and probably will within the next century. Their ability to export products with lead and toxic chemicals that they’re immune to, but that weakens others, plus their ownership of so much of the industrial worlds debt which gives them influence over their economies, is a good foundation for the control that they’ll need to take over. They’re pretty well positioned.”
In related news, experts say that China has become the second most important economy in the world, behind only the United States. They say that China will surpass the U.S. in the near future. The combination of people, technology, odd chemicals and absolute control makes them extremely powerful and only the Swedes stand in their way.
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