Easiest way to get out of debt, fund State healthcare plan
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 11, 2008
Struggling under budget shortfalls and plans for a massive healthcare plan, Governor of the State of California Arnold Swartzenager, sold the Golden State to the People’s Republic of China last week. Giving in to harsh criticism over his proposed budget cuts and tax increases, he decided to forgo his tax plan and eliminate debt and fully finance next years budget by selling out — literally. Swartzenager will now be able to announce a balanced budget and a fully funded healthcare plan before turning over ownership to the Chinese at the end of 2009. Not everyone is happy with the decision.
“It’s too bad that we had to sell California to China, but sometimes when you get in a financial bind you have to sell assets, even your whole company,” said former U.S. president Bill Clinton, an ethical sell-out often seen clinging to cash and female interns. “I don’t care for the idea, but it could set precedent. If Hillary gets elected and implements her healthcare plan, we may have to sell the U.S. to China to fund it. This deal could be a good case study for us.”
Bill Gates thinks it was a big mistake. “There were plenty of other buyers interested in California and it didn’t have to go to the Chinese in some kind of fire sale,” said the Microsoft chief, shuffling thousand dollar bills like playing cards. “I’m buying Yahoo! and have plenty of cash left over to buy California, if I’d have known it was on the market. Swartzenager should have shopped it around.”
Experts say the State of California won’t get out of debt without either hiking taxes or slashing government programs, and with the governors plan to create an enormous healthcare program, debate is raging over how to make their finances work at all. Critics call the healthcare plan socialism because it not only forces companies to insure all their employees or pay the State to do it; it also guarantees coverage for the children of illegal aliens. Doctors and hospitals will be taxed to subsidize insurance for low-income Californians. The deal with China will solve near-term financial problems but it’s also stirring debate about how China’s ownership of the state will be conducted and the impact it will have on the U.S.
“Depending upon how China chooses to implement it’s ownership rights, we could have some very different and unexpected outcomes,” said government take-over expert and Chinese-checker player, Leonard Nimoy, a guy often confused with an actor wearing pointy ears. “China could claim it as a satellite colony or a new piece of it’s own homeland. Or, it could simply take ownership rights and let California remain a State in the Union, but China could retain the right to vote in presidential elections and send Chinese officials to Congress. I’ve heard that regardless of how they implement control, they’re expected to install a missile defense system to protect the territory from Utah. Something about the Mormons and polygamy I guess.”
In other news, death and taxes continue to dominate the human experience. No word on whether the Chinese or Microsoft has the upper hand in buying the controlling rights.
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