Berkeley Hates Military, Loves Money

Mayor wants cash, not servicemen and women

Inebriated Press
February 11, 2008

Last week, California’s Berkeley City Council passed several resolutions, including a statement that the Marine recruiting station in the city poses a presence by “uninvited and unwelcome intruders.”  But after a bill was introduced in the U.S. Senate to rescind $2 million in earmarks for Berkeley, Berkeley’s Mayor Tom Bates issued a statement saying, “That letter will probably be pulled back and maybe more moderate language will be put in place  … There’s really no correlation between federal funds for schools, water ferries and police communications systems and the council’s actions… We apologize for any offense to any families of anyone who may serve in Iraq.”  Debate over whether U.S. cities who decide to publically take anti-American positions should receive funding by American taxpayers continues to be argued.

“America is the land of the free and the home of federal, state and city taxes.  Any city can do whatever it feels like, even breaking federal law and publically offending men and women in the military, or gays or blacks or Jews or anybody else, and they should still receive all the American tax dollars they want,” said Adolph Hitler, an unemployed illegal alien currently drawing U.S. welfare payments and whose name isn’t meant to imply anything.  “The freedom for liberals, Nazi’s and anti-American groups to do what they want and still have the support of federal money and backing of elected officials is what this country is all about.  Law abiding taxpayers, military defenders-of-freedom, and people with common sense can be such whiners.”

Not everyone sees it quite the way the unemployed Hitler views it.  “I work hard and obey the law, and when I’m ticked off I write letters to my elected officials, and occasionally vote them out of office,” said a man claiming to be Bob Hope, a comedian who often entertained American troops and had a tendency to tell jokes, but not always.  “Why American taxpayers would want to support a city that fights what they believe in and hates the men and women who died to make them free is beyond me.  Sure freedom of speech is allowed in the U.S., but so is freedom to fund or not fund stupidity.”

The Berkeley City Council approved a letter to the Marine recruiting office in town last week that referred to them as “unwelcome intruders” and also passed a resolution giving Code Pink, an anti-Iraq war group, a permanent parking space in front of the building housing the Marine Corp’s office.  City Council members who called U.S. Marines “intruders” said they were sticking by their resolution.  But shortly thereafter, Senator Jim DeMint, a South Carolina Republican, introduced the Semper Fi Act of 2008 that would rescind more than $2 million in federal earmarks destined for Berkeley.  Following a public uproar, Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates argued Wednesday that the council’s actions last week shouldn’t be linked to federal money dedicated to schools and other services.  According to the San Jose Mercury News he said: “We apologize for any offense to any families of anyone who may serve in Iraq.  We want them to come home and be safe at home.” 

Senator DeMint released a statement saying, “Berkeley needs to learn that their actions have consequences. Patriotic American taxpayers won’t sit quietly while Berkeley insults our brave Marines and tries to run them out of town.”  DeMint was joined by five other Republican lawmakers in introducing the bill.  A companion bill entered in the House has the support of 45 Republicans.  No Democrats are supporting either bill.

In other news, New Pig Corporation introduced PIG ShopHog All-Purpose Wipers last week.  The disposable wipes are designed to be highly absorbent and take liquid on contact while withstanding tough chores and conditions.  No word on whether Berkeley will buy some in an attempt to clean up their act, or if Democrats will continue to resist efforts to manage waste and stupidity.

(C) 2008

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