US Stimulus Package Good for Cable TV and Red China

Comcast and the Chinese Government Like What They’re Seeing

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 12, 2008

The US stimulus package nearing completion in Washington D.C. will return tax dollars to earners and the poor, and the federal government is expecting them to spend the money and create demand helping to stimulate the economy and spark growth.  Moody’s Investors Service said last Friday it believes the expected passage of the stimulus plan will have a positive near-term timing impact on the pay-TV industry.  And Wal-Mart, a major buyer of Chinese products, anticipates an increase in purchases and the need for more Chinese inventory.  Experts aren’t sure how much the U.S. economy will be boosted by the stimulus package, but Comcast and the Chinese government are grinning from ear to ear.

“We’re so pleased that the U.S. is implementing a program that encourages its citizens to spend money on stuff and we look forward to sending more lead and asbestos based products to America soon,” said Hi Ho Awai, a Chinese official who likes needlepoint, sweatshops and torturing dissidents.  “If business keeps hopping like this, we may have to import Mexican workers to help us out!”

Everyone within eyesight and earshot are hyped up with the idea and Inebriated reporters couldn’t find a dissenting opinion.  “Oh give me a home with an HD TV, and the free time to set my mind free,” sang an illegal alien in Kansas, whose fake identity gives him the right to a tax rebate.  “I love this country!  Except for the INS.  The bastards.”

Moody’s said it believes the U.S. stimulus package will have a positive on pay TV and cable.  ‘The plan is expected to encourage capital spending and rewards companies that are typically capital intensive,’ Moody’s said.  The three largest U.S. cable companies – Comcast Corp., Time Warner Cable Inc., and Cox Communications Inc. – and the two direct broadcast satellite pay TV providers, the DirecTV Group Inc., and Dish Network Corp., will benefit from the stimulus package, Moody’s said.

The world’s largest retailer, Wal-Mart Stores Inc, says its inventory of stock produced in China is expected to hit US$18 billion this year, keeping the annual growth rate of over 20 per cent consistent over two years.  If Wal-Mart were an individual economy, it would rank as China’s eighth-biggest trading partner, ahead of Russia, Australia and Canada.   Last year, the firm bought US$15 billion products from China, half from direct purchasing, the other from the firm’s suppliers in China.  Insiders point out Wal-Mart’s imports from China has largely influenced the US trade deficit in China, which is expected to reach US$150 billion this year.  But that’s okay with most illegal aliens and Chinese government officials.

“The trade deficient the U.S. has with China is a fine one,” said Yu Hu Gonzalez, a Chinese trade official who once picked melons in the U.S. as an illegal Mexican alien, before U.S. taxpayers funded his college education and he migrated to China to oversee trade in anti-freeze based toothpaste to North America.  “The deficit provides the economic leverage China needs to help keep at bay the U.S. tendency to lean on communists and totalitarians.  Eventually, when almost all products in the world are produced here, we’ll help Americans understand the inefficiency of their form of government and help them to operate more adequately under our thumb.”

In related news, presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton both say that Chinese food is tasty and that the Chinese are nothing to worry about, because as president they plan to do whatever the Chinese want.  John McCain has reserved his opinion until he thinks there’s a chance the U.S. can remain independent of Chinese influence.

(C) 2008

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