Microsoft and Google Prep Lawyers and Talk with WWE
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 13, 2008
MarketWatch reported last week that in a high-stakes contest with Yahoo Inc. as the prize, Microsoft Corp. and Google Inc. are readying to do battle with each other. Experts say the firms are prepping their lawyers, but insiders say it’ll get more physical. Reportedly Google chief Sergey Brin and Microsoft’s Bill Gates are both spending more time at the gym and may fight a caged match to determine who gets Yahoo. World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. (WWE) says they’ll set wrestling aside and produce and air the Pay-Per-View match if they can get the rights.
“Brin’s just 34 years old and Gates is 52 so you’d think that the match would favor the Google youth; but Bill is taller and tends to fight dirty, so the odds are even right now,” said Dusty Crawler, a disgusting guy whose only redeeming quality seems to be the ability to call a race and give $50 bills to women who dress like hookers. “Bill didn’t get Jobs in a headlock and choke Apple Inc. down because he was a wimp. Never mind how nerdy he looks, he’s a wiry bastard.”
Not everyone thinks that the fight for Yahoo will end up in a caged match. “No one will physically fight. I think the lawyers will play their games and position their competitor as mammoths trying to take over the world, and make their client look like the American success story, making good and fighting for freedom and justice,” said Nocturnal Candy-Lane, a hot babe lawyer who doesn’t sleep nights and occasionally gets $50 bills in the mail from some guy named Dusty Crawler. “There’ll be a fight alright, but it’ll probably be in the courts. Still a good hand-to-hand scrap between Brin and Gates would be terrific. Mud wrestling even better.”
Microsoft made an official proposal to acquire Yahoo in a deal worth $44.6 billion in cash and stock, at a price of $31 per share, which represents a 62 percent premium for shareholders. In response Yahoo may try to dodge its acquisition offer by fashioning an online-advertising partnership with Google. Google has publicly blasted Microsoft’s acquisition offer by pointing the public’s attention to the Redmond, Wash.-based company’s spotty antitrust track record. Meanwhile, Microsoft is drawing officials’ attention to the vast share of the online-ad market that a combined Yahoo and Google would command, arguing that an outsourcing deal would amount to the market leader paying its nearest competitor to drop out of the race. Vince McMahon, Chairman of WWE, said he’d love to produce a caged-mud match between Gates and Brin and let the winner determine the ownership of Yahoo.
“I can’t think of a match I’d rather see than a Gates against Brin fight to the death inside a cage full of mud,” said WWE’s McMahon, forgetting for a moment that women mud wrestlers can be interesting to watch too. “Maybe I could get Pam Anderson and Hillary Clinton to take sides and jump in there with them. Now we’re talking sex and politics too, and we all know that’s darn popular entertainment. The Bill Clinton administration proved that.”
In related news, Brin and Gates have both indicated a reluctance to fight a caged match, but have shown interest in attending a mud wrestling competition between Hillary Clinton and Pam Anderson. They say it would be an even match because Pam’s flotation devises would keep her on top and Hillary’s tendency to do anything it takes to win would make her tough to beat.
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