Sexercise Your Valentine to Better Health

Just beware of sexsomnia or there may be trouble

Inebriated Press
February 14, 2008

BBC News reported last week that the British National Health Service (NHS) says “sexercise” can lower the risk of heart attacks and help people live longer.  According to the NHS Direct website, endorphins released during orgasm stimulate immune system cells, which also helps target illnesses like cancer, as well as wrinkles, it states.  Meanwhile, a lawyer told the Ontario Court of Appeal in Canada last week that society must be protected from people who commit sexual attacks while they are asleep.  The case in question, the first to reach an appellate court involving the novel defense of “sexsomnia,” will determine whether the rare sleep disorder is treated in the future as rape or mental illness.  The debate over the health affects of voluntary and involuntary sex continues to be argued.

“I am not a rapist, I’m a health care worker helping women fight cancer against their will,” said Double Helix, a guy currently in jail for distributing genetic material while on uninvited sleepwalking visits to Toronto hotel rooms.  “You girls have been lucky that I’ve been doing this for free.  After national healthcare reform I’ll get paid for my services.”

While some like the concept of sexercise, they aren’t buying the idea of healthcare based sexsomnia.  “Any uninvited advance on my person is illegal, immoral and hurts my mental health regardless the claim of physical benefit,” said Miss Muffet, a young lady who maintains her health by eating curds and whey, and prefers sexual advances on her own terms.  “You can spin the story anyway you like but I’ll be darned if I’m trading my tuffet or anything else for any hair brained ‘rape for health’ idea.  Are you kidding?”

The Ontario Court of Appeal case involves Jan Luedecke, a 35-year-old landscaper, who was acquitted on sexual assault charges by a judge who concluded he suffered an exotic form of parasomnia, or sleep disorder, and had been so deep in sleep that he could not form the intention to commit a sexual assault when he was found on top of a Toronto woman.  Luedecke engaged in sleep sex with four different women before the complainant.  In the previous incidents the victims were all women with whom he was having a relationship and who raised no particular objection when he initiated sexual relations while asleep and without their consent.

The British National Health Service (NHS) offered new advice for people struggling to schedule a fitness routine into their daily lives – a workout between the sheets.  NHS says there is evidence that sex has benefits for mental and physical wellbeing, including strengthening the immune system.  NHS told BBC News this was “backed by science and clinical evidence” and “isn’t just a bit of fun”.  An article on the NHS website said “Forget about jogging round the block or struggling with sit-ups… Sex uses every muscle group, gets the heart and lungs working hard, and burns about 300 calories an hour.”  Increased production of endorphins “will make your hair shine and your skin smooth,” it adds.  The article goes on to say that orgasms release “painkillers” into the bloodstream, which help keep mild illnesses like colds and aches and pains at bay.

“I haven’t had a cold in 50 years,” said Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, a strong advocate of preventative medicine for better health.  “And who can argue with the idea of a healthcare sex-worker combination?  If the U.S. is creative about a national healthcare plan, we could have FDA approved hookers spreading health and vitality across the country and it wouldn’t cost the federal government a dime.  Now that’s something taxpayers can get behind.  I may run for Congress myself.  Heck I’ve got more experience running an empire and spreading healthcare than Hillary or Obama.”

In other news, the Daily Mail reported that Dolly Parton has had to postpone her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her to take it easy for six to eight weeks to rest her sore back.  Parton said Monday that her heavy breasts were the cause: “Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don’t have back problems,” the folksy singer-songwriter said in a statement.  Reportedly the NHS believes lack of sexercise is the real problem.  Jan Luedecke said if you put him in the same hotel as Dolly’s his sexsomnia will cure what ails her.

(C) 2008

Comments Off on Sexercise Your Valentine to Better Health

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.