Iranian Nukes, Russian Admissions, and PETA

Liars lying, bombers flying, meat-haters trying

Inebriated Press
February 15, 2008

European Union diplomats say Iran has begun processing uranium gas as they continue developing their nuclear program.  A diplomat said the move is a rejection of U.N. Security Council demands that Iran suspend sensitive nuclear activity.  And Russia’s President Vladimir Putin on Thursday said he’d admit he has Russian rockets aimed at former Soviet states if U.S. missile defense facilities are deployed there.  Meanwhile Russian bombers buzz U.S. ships and Japanese airspace.  Some people are beginning to question the honesty of Russian and Iranian promises of peace through harassment.  Others think it’s just confusion in the world community due to meat consumption.

“The problem with the world, just like the current problems with Britney Spears, are all the fault of people eating meat,” said PETA president Ingrid Newkirk, an anti-meat activist who eats only veggies and smokes only organic hemp laced with all-natural cocaine.  “If all the world’s leaders would stop eating meat and wearing fur, peace would break out on the planet like iron, protein and vitamin B deficiency among vegetarians.”

Not everyone buys what PETA is selling.  “Putin is working to reestablish the old Soviet Empire and Iran’s Ahmadinejad is trying to take over the Middle East, because power and control is what they want,” said Henry Kissinger, a bartender at the Purple PeaceNik, a guy often confused with a former U.S. Secretary of State.  “Eating carrot sticks and wearing polyester leisere suits is not going to change that.”

VOA News reported that Iran’s new high-tech centrifuges are designed to enrich uranium by at least twice the rate of previous ones, and they’ve begun processing small amounts of uranium gas in a further step toward enhancing its nuclear capability.  Earlier this month, Iran announced it had test-launched a rocket that it said was designed to carry its first homemade research satellite into space.

President Vladimir Putin on Thursday repeated his threat to aim Russian rockets at former Soviet satellite states if U.S. missile defense facilities are deployed in those countries.  Putin also said Russian missiles could be aimed at Ukraine – a former Soviet republic whose pro-Western leadership is pursuing NATO membership. 

Last Saturday Japan scrambled two dozen military aircraft and lodged a protest, accusing a Russian strategic bomber of entering its airspace over the Pacific Ocean south of Tokyo.  A Tupolev Tu-95 bomber flew over the rocky isle of Sofugan, 406 miles south of Tokyo, the defense ministry said.  The U.S. Pacific Command closely monitored a Russian Tupolev-95 bomber flying over the USS Nimitz aircraft strike group last weekend, Rear Adm. Charles Martoglio said.  At least two U.S. Hornets trailed one of the bombers as it came in low over the Nimitz twice, while one or two of the other U.S. fighters followed the second bomber as it circled nearby.

The Daily India reported that PETA president Ingrid E. Newkirk sent a letter to Britney Spears’ parents linking the Toxic hitmaker’s recent health problems to her meat and dairy intake.  The letter said undercooked meat is linked to the development of schizophrenia and recommended Britney switch to a vegan diet.  Debate over diet, mental health and nuclear power continues.

“We make our women wear veils, we won’t drink alcohol or eat pork and we train our children to blow-up themselves and infidels when we ask them,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, waxing poetic as he often does.  “We can’t ask them to give up lamb and beef too.  They might become violent and we couldn’t have that.”

In other news, Vladimir Putin says he’d give up meat if he could spend “quality time” with Britney Spears.  Reportedly Spears parents are considering his offer and may ask Ahmadinejad to broker a deal with the Russian.  According to the CIA World Factbook Iran is a top transit and destination country for women and girls trafficked for the purposes of sexual exploitation and involuntary servitude.  No word on whether PETA objects.

(C) 2008

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