Nancy Pelosi’s Deep Thoughts About Elastic

The economy is like a rubber band

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 15, 2008

U.S. Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has unveiled a new approach to managing the federal debt, the war in the Middle East and the sagging breasts of middle aged women.  Introducing a new bill in Congress to fund research by a consortium including Valmont, DuPont and the Center for Leveraged Underwire Bras (VD-CLUB), Pelosi waxed poetic as she detailed the stunning new plan. 

“It’s all about elasticity, control and the careful management of delicate things,” said the House Speaker, in a sing-song voice as she drank black strap molasses out of a Jack Daniels jug.  “The careful combination of companies and organizations that have supported my campaigns over the years will enable a new approach to warfare, the national debt and improve the way my blouses fit.  You can’t invest enough money in an important solution like VD-CLUB when it can do all this.”

Not everyone is so sure that Pelosi’s new VD-CLUB will do everything she claims.  “The Speaker of the House wants what?” asked an unnamed Senator, who is supposed to be developing a Senate bill to mirror Pelosi’s, and prepare to leverage it’s way through Congress.  “That’s so wacky it’ll never go anyplace unless the Democrats control both houses of Congress and the White House.  Oh that’s right, we do control both houses of Congress, and by next year at this time, we’ll have the White House.  I’ll get right on it.”

Historians and political pundits have been debating the impact on the U.S. of a government under the complete control of Democrats with an Obama or Clinton presidency, while Pelosi runs the House and Harry Reid runs the Senate.  Some have already made plans to escape to Mexico while others are more philosophical and think that all they need to do is move all of their assets to off-shore accounts, and build a bunker to hide in before the takeover.  Pelosi thinks they’re being silly.

“The economy is like a rubber band and it springs around and goes back and forth.  If we increase taxes and government spending on important national programs, it’ll stretch more taught and therefore it will be more stable,” said House Speaker Pelosi, grinning at the thought of Democrats running everything, enabling her to instill San Francisco values upon the entire country.  “Once we have the power necessary to free Americans from their money, and strip the military of funds and power, allow gay sex in all the parks, put up shelters and give drug needles to addicts, and remove all religious references from public buildings and conversations; we’ll be a free America, at last.  Thinking about it makes me giddy all over.  I’d talk more but I have to cinch up my bra.  Darn elastic is wearing out.  I’ll get that fixed too before I’m done.  All we need is my VD-CLUB!”

In other news, Paris Hilton is in a new movie called The Hottie and the Nottie.  Reportedly the film is as good as the VD-CLUB but has fewer calories.

(C) 2008

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