Susie Homemaker 9mm Debuts

Completely Integrated Apron and Gun Belt
The New Age of Guns and Cupcakes

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 19, 2008

Susie Homemaker Inc. has announced a joint venture with the Colt Firearms Company to produce and market a rapid response weapon system designed exclusively for the American housewife.  The venture is called Susie Homemaker Offensive Operations and Tactics (SHOOT), and in conjunction with Colt, they’re introducing the Colt-Homemaker 9mm pistol for home defense.  Inebriated reporter Peter Gunn has the story.

“Almost every week we read in the paper or hear on the radio about some terrible shooting someplace in town, maybe at a school, mall or marketplace; maybe in Afghanistan, Iraq or even Illinois or Nebraska,” said Inebriated reporter Gunn, buying a box of 9mm cartridges from a vending machine outside a 7-Eleven.  “Well Susie Homemaker has seen and heard enough to know that she has to help American housewives, stay-at-home mom’s and any other folks who care about their families, to protect them.  That’s why she partnered with Colt to introduce a lightweight, durable and easy to use 9mm pistol, that homemakers can carry in their aprons and can draw quickly and cleanly to put down any threat that may appear at their door, the neighborhood park or elementary school.  She’s had enough of baking cupcakes and being unarmed against potential intruders.  With the Homemaker 9-millimeter, the days of feeling defenseless are gone.”

Susie said that the ability to make a good roast, help the kids with schoolwork or bake a pie just aren’t enough in this day and age.  “It’s not like I want to be packing heat in my apron along with oven mittens, but I’m not taking these attacks on innocent kids and families by handing out cookies and milk,” said Susie, loading a second 9mm clip with Hornady hollow points.  “Anybody tries to hurt children, students and innocent shoppers where I’m around; they won’t have to cowardly commit suicide in the aftermath.  They’ll be the aftermath.”  Then pausing she smiled and said warmly, “sons of bitches.” 

Susie Homemaker has been an American housewife icon.  She conjures memories of homemade apple pie, the hug when you come home, and the bandage when you hurt your knee.  Susie is the image of perfection; the ideal wife and mother devoted entirely to her home and family.  That tradition continues but has been updated with modern firearms for the new era. 

Colt’s Manufacturing Company is a United States firearms manufacturer founded in 1847.  It is best known for the engineering, production, and marketing of dozens of different firearms over the later half of the 19th and the 20th century.  It has made many civilian and military designs used in the United States, as well was many other countries.  The Colt Peacemaker was designed for the U.S. cavalry by Colt.  It is sometimes referred to as the ‘Colt .45’  The Colt-Homemaker 9mm is a smaller pistol, houses a clip containing 17 9mm cartridges, and is made of a special composite material that resists heat, oil and baking flour.  A homemaker trained to bake and shoot can take down four to five assailants in less than a minute.

“The Minuteman was necessary during the American Revolutionary war and Susie Homemaker Offensive Operations and Tactics (SHOOT) are necessary today,” said SWAT Team expert and trainer, Pistol Pete, a tall man occasionally confused with a basketball player.  “The Minutemen were farmers and tradesman who on a moments notice would grab their weapons and battle the British Army Red Coats.  Well today we have a different enemy and it’s a combination of trained terrorists from abroad and internal nut cases who just want to hurt people.  It’s good to know that America’s Susie Homemaker and others like her, have guns and ammo in their aprons, along with a hot pad and maybe some tongs.  Thanksgiving Dinner may never be the same; but you can bet it’s going to be safer.”

In related news, anti-gun activists are protesting the SHOOT program and continue to argue their case while being protected by armed military and law enforcement organizations who risk their lives to protect the activists’ right to try and ban their weapons.

(C) 2008

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