Time for Colorless Asexual Leadership

Ameba Announces Run for Presidency
Third-Party Candidate Enters Race

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 20, 2008

The American presidential race just got even more interesting when José Singlecell, a third-party Protozoan candidate, announced its plan to run.  In addition to the tough and aggressive campaigns being waged by a white man, black man and white woman, the addition of the ameba poses a unique opportunity for single celled creatures and could pose a significant challenge for Democrats and Republicans.  Inebriated reporter Stem Celle, has the story.

“Insiders speaking for the Protozoan candidate say that most politicians are spineless, or become liars and cheats,” said Inebriated reporter Celle, pondering the nature of single and multi-cellular organisms.  “The ameba apparently believes that being asexual and neither black nor white will appeal to Americans who believe in tolerance of anything but may be uncomfortable electing another white guy, or electing a black man or white woman for the first time.  Being a single-cell creature with no distinguishable habits and no negative history in the Congress or Senate, gives it an edge the other candidates lack.”  Not everyone is comfortable with the ameba candidacy.

“I’ve got nothing against asexuals or candidates who have no color at all,” said Normmal Voterr, a plain person with no distinguishable characteristics and whose mail is addressed to postal recipient.  “But a candidate with no experience and no history with only one cell going for them doesn’t seem like enough to run the most powerful economy and military in the world.  I know that both Obama and Hillary have little more than that, and they’re still considered okay candidates to run the country.  But having zero background seems slight.  Still I suppose if we’re going for someone who has no experience and no position on anything, the ameba could slightly edge out Obama.”

Amoeba (sometimes amœba or ameba, plural amoebae) is a genus of protozoa that moves by means of pseudopods, and is well-known as a representative unicellular organism. The word amoeba or ameba is variously used to refer to it and its close relatives, now grouped as the Amoebozoa, or to all protozoa that move using pseudopods, otherwise termed amoeboids.

Senators John McCain (R), Hillary Rodham Clinton (D) and Barack Obama (D) are all vying for the presidency of the United States.  Debate over whether experience matters has centered on Clinton and Obama, both of whom have marginal experience in the Senate and no experience in business, the military or management.  McCain has a vast amount of military experience and many years in both the State and U.S. Senate.  The inexperienced Democrats say they should run the country because experience has taken the U.S. in directions that they don’t like.  The Republican says he should be president because he understands the dangerous world we’re in today and has the experience to field others to assist him in managing the country.  All the candidates tend to favor more taxes but the Democrats have made it plain that they intend to increase taxes and social spending  The Republican says he won’t hike taxes if he doesn’t have to and hasn’t got a bunch of spending plans on the docket.  The ameba can’t speak and that seems to be a big asset.

“Hillary and McCain have both changed positions and Obama won’t take a position on anything although he occasionally pretends to.  The ameba has said nothing, taken no positions and isn’t promising anything or standing on any platform,” said Hapless Electorate, an American voter who has grown progressively more depressed with every election following Reagan’s second term.  “The ameba is a clean slate with no known brain and that seems to represent a lot of American voters today.  I think that this single cell protozoan candidate has a real shot at winning this thing.”

In related news, the saying “no news is good news” has been modified and adopted by the Obama campaign.  Their new slogan “No Position is a Good Position,” is expected to help them capture the White House.  Reportedly Hillary Clinton wanted it first but forgot to brand it soon enough.  And John McCain continues to struggle with the idea that common sense has no place in politics, and says he’ll probably keep using it as much as he can anyway.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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