Bill Clinton Replaces “Dear Abby”

New columnist offers advice in newspapers

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 22, 2008

Former president Bill Clinton will be taking over the popular Dear Abby newspaper column next month.  The syndicated personal advice column first authored by Pauline Phillips and later her daughter Jeanne Phillips under the pen name Abigail Van Buren, has been a staple of many newspapers and has dispensed advice for many years.  Clinton takes it over in 2008 and is excited about sharing his thoughts and ideas with millions of readers.

“I grew up in small town Arkansas doinking country gals and was banging educated interns in the Oval Office, so you know that I’ve got a broad knowledge of situations and experience to share with common Americans,” said columnist Clinton, slapping a Hooters waitress in the ass as she passed his table during this exclusive interview.  “I can tell people how to hold a marriage together after sleeping around, and how to avoid prosecution after lying to a grand jury.  Heck, I bet I can give folks advice on darn near anything.

Pauline Esther Friedman Phillips (born July 4, 1918) started writing the Dear Abby syndicated personal advice column in 1956 under the pen name, Abigail Van Buren.  Since her retirement in 2002 after an onset of Alzheimer’s disease, her daughter, Jeanne Phillips, has been writing the column under the same pen name.  According to Pauline, she had come up with the pen name, Abigail Van Buren, by combining the name of the biblical character, Abigail, in the Book of Samuel with the last name of former U.S. President Martin Van Buren.  According to its publishers, the column is known for its “uncommon common sense and youthful perspective”, and is read by more people than any other newspaper column worldwide.  Clinton says he has a youthful perspective and that his common sense is so uncommon that some people will be surprised by it.

“You want to meet a president like Kennedy, the way I did?  You wear a crew cut.  You want to avoid trouble when your secretary or intern gets semen on her dress?  Keep some handy-wipes in the office and make sure she cleans up before she leaves,” said columnist Bill, making smacking sounds with his lips.  “I’ve got all kinds of advice like that and folks will be able to benefit in untold ways.  Heck I’ve given advice to people who already say it wasn’t told to them.  I’m pumped about this new opportunity to help Americans in any way that I can.  Now if the publisher will hire a couple of these Hooter girls to be my secretaries, I think I’m about ready to go!”

In related news, the publishers have yet to decide whether Bill will write under the name Abigail Van Buren and continue to call the column Dear Abby, or if they should name it Dear Bill or maybe Casanova Speaks.

(C) 2008

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