Mythical creature lives on island; relatives frequent corporations
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 26, 2008
The often referred to “Rat Bastard” is alive and well and living on one of the Bermuda islands. Often confused with assholes and businessmen and women who lie and cheat innocent working people, the real Rat Bastard is a small fury creature who eats lard and licorice while smoking pineapple cores. Despite the sighting of the creature on the island, some people still think a Rat Bastard is in management at their office.
“I’ve got a tough time believing that the Rat Bastard is in the Bermuda Islands and think he is still in my company’s management and is screwing me out of overtime,” said Snuffy McGuire, an American of Irish decent who spends most days fighting nasal congestion and complaining about his company’s administration. “I don’t want you to think I’m the vindictive type, but one of these days that rat bastard in payroll is going to get what’s coming to him.”
Rat bastards are often disparaged but some people think they’re just misunderstood. “There’s never been a rat bastard who wasn’t trying to do what they thought was right,” said Michael Corleone, a thoughtful Italian gangster often confused by law enforcement as a rat bastard himself. “People who rat out others are the real rat bastards, but most common individuals called rat bastards are just folks trying to get along by screwing other people in petty ways to benefit themselves or someone else. Most are confused with real trouble makers. There are a lot of rat bastards I like. I can’t say I know the one in Bermuda.”
In some circles Frank Falestra, a guitarist and audio engineer, is known as Rat Bastard, and in others a Crucial Comics comic book character is a Rat Bastard. A now defunct rock band was also known as Rat Bastard, but many rat bastards exist in peoples neighborhoods. A lot of them can be found in the workplace, causing numerous irritations and pissing off thousands of innocent working folk. The Rat Bastard located in Bermuda is likely to be just one of many offspring that has somehow slipped into corporations around the world, all of them so self-centered and disgusting that they drive decent people into an angry frenzy when they have to deal with them. The rat bastards themselves are philosophical about things.
“Screw them if they can’t take a joke,” said Rat Bastard, a disagreeable character with a DNA code consisting of a triple helix, one strand which is full of nothing but puss and blue flies. “I do what I want, I look after myself, and they’re on their own. If they don’t like it they can lump it.”
In related news, rat bastards DNA code has recently become the target of geneticists who hope to isolate the most troublesome bits and keep them from proposing tax increases in U.S. Congress.
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