Hecho’s Life and Times
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 27, 2008
Hecho N. Mexico, a made man of substance and intellectual curiosity recently saved his ass in a bar fight having learned to tell the difference between it and a baseball bat. Bystanders in the bar, Nightshade Booze, Baseball and Hookers, said Hecho used to take frequent beatings when he didn’t know his ass from a ball bat, but that things changed dramatically once he could tell the difference. Sadly his horse was lost in a lagoon next to the bar. Debate rages over whether Hecho would have lost his horse had he not been in a fight over a hooker in the first place.
“You don’t lose horses if you keep away from booze and hookers,” said Zelda Mae Crabtree, a crusty old bag with an opinion about everything. “Getting into bar fights, mixing it up with baseball bats and cozying up to hookers. No wonder his poor horse wandered into the lagoon. Probably couldn’t bear to be seen with Hecho anymore. It was suicide I tell you. Suicide plan and simple.”
Not everyone sees it the way the crusty Crabtree does. “A guy should be able to defend himself with a baseball bat against insults and not lose an animal over it,” said Nevesto Firehazard, an arcane bumbler often confused with the Count of Monte Cristo and the Queen of England. “To enjoy life and have nice things; to reach for ones dreams and give gifts to others; to beat the shit of people you don’t like because of a hooker. Such is the stuff of living, and if horses wander into a lagoon from time to time, well, so be it.”
The loss of ones pets or other animals and the gaining or losing of comfortable surroundings is often pondered over by people with time on their hands. And since most people do on occasion, have time to spare, they ponder over things like these. And of such pondering, stems the occasional plan, or idea or hope filled endeavor. Still, when men like Hecho risk their horses while finding their ass and clubbing people while clubbing, whether engaging either strippers or hookers, there are some who take offense.
“Tie up the darn horse before you go into the bar for crying out loud,” said Lightening Sarsaparilla, a potent drink of water well known in social circles for harness racing. “Philosophize and pontificate all you want about horses and hookers. Just tie up the horse or leave it at home in the pasture. That’s the best way to keep it from falling into a lagoon. The guy may have saved his ass, but he’s lost his mind.”
In related news, fine sounding words and mental gymnastics are sometimes fun to listen too, but knowing the difference between your ass and a baseball bat is never enough to keep your horse out of a lagoon if you’re too stupid to tie it up. At least that’s what the Queen of England says. Or so it’s rumored.
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