Pre-Olympic Window Dressing and Illusions of Harmony

China chats rights, North Korea listens to music

Inebriated Press
February 27, 2008

China declared Tuesday it is willing to resume a long-stalled human rights dialogue with the United States, seeking to improve its image before this summer’s Olympic Games in Beijing.  And an audience of North Korea’s communist elite gave the New York Philharmonic a standing ovation after a rousing set of tunes.  North Korea shut down its main nuclear reactor but hasn’t dismantled it or provided a complete list of programs as it has previously agreed, but said they’d listen to American’s make music anyway.  Debate over the honesty and integrity of communists continues in a few circles.

“Kim Jong-il has played this hand with great success over and over and there’s no reason to believe he’s playing a different one now,” said Conscious Citizen, a short fellow who gave up pretend for reality five years ago.  “Jong-il leverages gifts like oil, food and money out of the West and then agrees to dismantle his nuclear program and provide full disclosure.  He then proceeds to accept delivery of the toys and gifts and starts to show a little compliance; then stops and cries for more gifts, delivered faster.  It’s typical shake-down bullshit that every hoodlum and middle school kid understands.  Only the Chinese offer of full and free human rights can be believed.  Of course if you actually do believe that, I want you to know that I’m the exclusive representative of ocean front property in Arizona and can sell you some for little of nothing!”

Not everyone is so suspicious of the motives of self professed communists who offer peace through extortion.  “I have a dream, and that dream is to sit down with the heads of states across the world, and talk about peace and love and harmony, and just how much American cash everyone needs to start pretending to be civil,” said Barack Obama, a Senator and presidential candidate, currently in line to take over the U.S. pocketbook and fund an extensive list of new priorities designed to buy peace and prosperity in our time.  “Americans must redefine how they view the world and begin to understand that by laying down our arms and providing Nigerians with access to our bank accounts, we’ll be able to transfer large amounts of funds to help them out and even make a little money on the side.  It’s all about finding harmony by giving in and sharing our wealth and paying other peoples bills.  We’ve been such bastards to think that it’s enough to help people get on their feet and fend for themselves.”

China suspended participation in the regular U.S.-China human rights dialogue in 2004 after the United States sponsored a resolution in the Geneva-based U.N. Human Rights Commission urging condemnation of China’s record.  Chinese officials considered the U.S. move in Geneva as interference in Chinese affairs and a display of hostility that made further formal dialogue impossible.  China’s recent declaration seems designed as a response to the growing volume of criticism from Western human rights groups that China is not a fit host for the Olympics because of rights abuses.  In particular, the groups have condemned China’s imprisonment of government critics who speak out on the Internet. 

The West has been showering aid and concessions on North Korea as part of reconciliation efforts while getting little in return, something that is starting to vex Washington.  Talks have been deadlocked for months over whether the North has fulfilled its commitment to account for all of its nuclear programs as it committed to do in the six-party talks by Dec. 31, 2007, a deadline that passed nearly two months ago.  North Korea says it has already provided the declaration, but Washington says Pyongyang has not yet given a complete accounting, particularly about alleged transfers of nuclear equipment and know-how to other countries.  Still, the Koreans enjoyed the Philharmonic.
“We enjoy getting free things from the West like music, oil, food and money,” said a North Korean spokesman, taking a break from torturing some dissidents’ accused of illegally wearing jumpsuits similar to Jong-Il’s.  “The New York Philharmonic did a nice job and it could only have been better if they’d handed out bags of cash and cheese sandwiches.  Other than that, it was okay.”

In unrelated news, British security officials exposed a network of terrorist training camps preparing recruits for mass-murder.  The International Herald Tribune reported yesterday that young Muslim men clad in mud-smeared combat fatigues, have been training in picturesque British farmland, hurling imaginary grenades, wielding sticks as mock rifles and chopping watermelons in simulated beheadings.  Officials fear the case shows British citizens can now be radicalized, trained and funded to carry out terror attacks — without ever leaving the country.  But Barack Obama isn’t worried.  “If the Brit’s give them enough money, the Islamofascists will leave them alone.  I’ll help them understand that when I visit as U.S. president next year.”

(C) 2008

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