Only babies and medical professionals to retain interest
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 28, 2008
Doctor Phibes, a noted student of women and their appendages recently declared at an all night bachelor party, that men’s interest in breasts is fading away. Speaking scientifically from a podium at the Hapless Cowboy Lounge last Saturday evening, Phibes said that guys of the future will be more interested in big knuckles and women with hands strong enough to crush unopened beer cans. Patrons of the arts say Phibes is off his rocker but others think he’s on to something.
“This male infatuation with breasts has been going on for a long while and it’s time that it goes away and a whole new fetish gets started,” said Lucy Lu, a young woman with breasts of her own that have occasionally garnered interest over the years. “This beefy hand thing sounds good to me. I’ll be able to avoid silicon implants and keep sharp objects from chopping on my chest. I’ll start doing hand strength exercises starting next week.”
Not everyone thinks men’s interest in women’s breasts is going away. “It won’t happen. Not on my watch,” said Hugh Hefner, an advocate of men’s infatuation with breasts and an enabler of the same for decades. “Sure babies and med students will keep their infatuation, I can buy that. But men losing theirs? Nope. Nuzzling soft bouncing boobies will never go out of fashion. Our investment in silicon and pictures of ripely nippled jugs is sound.”
Recently a number of doctors from space and other regions have begun to believe that in the future there will be less interest in silicon inside breasts on earth or inside life forms on Saturn. They believe that the over abundance of enhancements scattered across female and alien landscapes is causing men to overdose on silicon and will ultimately shift their interest to other appendages. Whether this morphs into women crushing beer cans or some other form of weirdness is anybodies guess.
“It could be that strong-handed women will indiscriminately start crushing beer cans, I suppose,” said Carpy Newcastle, a body builder who smells like fish and is often spotted cleaning toilets for fun in his spare time. “But I’m not sure if that means guys will start fondling muscular fingers and lose interest in big busted women. I may not smell very good, but I still think this hand instead of tits thing just won’t catch on.”
In related news, one strong hand is still no replacement for two nice breasts. At least that’s what someone claiming to be the Pope said. No one is sure that it was really him, but Sister Mary Claire says it rings true.
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