“Serenity has no place in our lives”
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
February 29, 2008
Iranian President and deep thinker Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking at an all night bingo game and death match in Tehran, said Islamofascist philosophers contemplating relaxation while accidentally drunk, stumbled upon inner peace and dozed off. Upon awakening a couple of them wrote down their feelings and admitted that they were tempted with the idea of kicking back and trying it again, and were struggling to maintain their attitude of continual violence. Ahmadinejad said the philosophers were quickly assassinated for their protection and that the notes about inner peace were blown up with plastic explosives. Some analysts say the accidental discovery indicates that there are cracks of sanity beginning to show in some parts of the Islamofascist community, but others say it was a mere cloud in an otherwise clear sky.
“It was a fluke, an accident, an anomaly,” said Islamofascist scholar and nuclear physicist Ackmud Umud Wemud, an asshole with a long pedigree of sameness, delusion and murder. “Anyone who says otherwise will be blown to smithereens by freedom lovers like me, who are committed to a long standing hatred of anything and anyone who disagrees with us.”
Some people remain hopeful that somewhere in the dark recesses of the Islamofascist heart, they’ll find a stirring toward kindness and tolerance. “We are to be tolerant of them but when we are, they kill us,” said Dusty Makeshift, a guy often covered with dirt who tends to cobble things together in order to get by. “I’d be willing to be more relaxed about them if they weren’t killing everyone they disagreed with for no good reason. I’m hopeful that this accidental discovery of inner peace will turn up again, despite them blowing it up the last time around.”
The quest for inner peace has been sought by millions of people across the ages, and some have discovered a semblance of it in faith in God, new age mysticism, a mixture of drugs and alcohol and occasionally other non-disclosed materials. Confusion among so-called civilized nations over the continual and almost manic desire of Islamofascists to kill anyone who disagrees with them has been frustrating. The frustration has on occasion resulted in a defense of their civilization by fighting back. The fighting back has been with mixed feelings as the so-called civilized nations try not to become what they fight against. Still, if they don’t fight back they risk being destroyed. And so the conundrum reigns: the quest for inner peace must be defended with violence. And the world turns. And the struggle for common sense against senseless minions continues. As it must. Or peace is devoured by it.
“I hate to blow up those who blow us up, but in the long run, it’s the only practical thing to do,” said Simple Simon, a notorious pie maker known for deriving inner peace from a mixture of baked fruit and flour. “If we don’t stop them, then they won’t be stopped and their Hitleresque ways will become our way of life. I prefer it not.”
In barely related news, piemen and Islamofascists have struggled to see eye to eye over the millennia and while inner peace has often eluded them both, the guys with the pies seem to have gotten the bigger piece.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com