Daily Archives: March 3, 2008

Meat Recalls and Organic Twinkies

Chaos theory and the nature of food

Inebriated Press
March 3, 2008

Last week U.S. Department of Ag officials argued with U.S. Senators about whether the meat from sick cows poses a health threat to Americans who eat it, and Google employees ate organic versions of Twinkies while listening to a food additive researcher discuss his quest to see all of the original Twinkies ingredients for himself.  The debate over what constitutes food continues.

“Food is anything that’s not derived from an animal,” said PETA supporter and part-time nudist, Pamela Anderson, slinging her left breast over her right shoulder and smiling uncontrollably.  “You can mine the ingredients for Twinkies and you can eat Chinese lead and asbestos, but don’t touch an animal for any food related habit.  Animals aren’t food.  I’ll go naked before I eat fur.”

Not everyone is sure that some things aren’t food.  “Food is anything you want it to be, just try to avoid killing yourself unless you’re into that kind of thing,” said a U.S. food inspector, who eats only nuts and bolts manufactured in Sweden, and occasionally wakes up in the night yodeling and playing a banjo.  “In a free country there should be no restriction against consuming anything, and we inspectors feel that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  That’s why we pretty much allow anything in the U.S. food supply.  I’ve been considering eating a few PETA supporters myself, but some wear makeup and that makes me uncomfortable.”

Dow Jones Newswire reported last week that lawmakers and the U.S. Department of Agriculture squared off in a debate over whether the food supply was threatened by a 143-million-pound beef recall announced after a California meat company was found to have slaughtered a “downer” cow that was too sick or injured to walk.  Some Senators expressed concern about the risk of recalled meat already having been consumed, but others said the recall wasn’t about safety.  Still others had no idea why meat that was safe would be recalled.  An anonymous report said a few lawmakers just sat in the back of the room and drank heavily.

Chefs at Google prepared organic versions of Twinkies for a recent speaking event, using locally raised or procured products to make the almond-flavored, cream-filled pastries.  Author Steve Ettlinger spoke to Google workers about his travel around the country and the globe touring plants, mines and refineries to find the actual origins of the almost unpronounceable ingredients used to make Twinkies.  What he discovered continually astounded Ettlinger. “So many of the items are made directly from petroleum products, including natural gas or crude oil” he said. “That just blows my mind.”  Eight of the ingredients in Twinkies come from domestic corn, and three from soybeans, others are derived from sources as divergent as rocks, trees and petroleum products.  Folks at the Center for Metaphysical Food and Conceptual Existence say all things are relative, and while relatives can be annoying we can’t escape them, so we should relax and go with the flow. 

“All matter is made up of atoms and molecules and various combinations create what we call things and some of those things we refer to as food,” said Flower Power, a food existentialist, faith healer and inventor of x-ray eyeglasses capable of looking through clothing to see the souls of men and breasts of women.  “As a child of nature and a bag of elements both chemical and mineral, we are one with all things and although we construe life as being connected to self and occasionally to personality, we are all one big organism and eating ourselves or others or cars or stones is simply the exchanging of elements for momentary inertia or energy.  I can take energy from you by just being here and you can exchange your energy with me and others by your thoughts; or by letting us eat your arm.  We humans are so self centered and devise PETA-style morality, or anti-Hitler feelings based on nothing more than the idea of ethics.  These are mere inventions designed to stop natural or social chaos.  But chaos is the natural order of things.  If we are to attain true oneness with the universe we will embrace chaos and sign on to the Democrats national healthcare plan.”

In other news, U.S. Senate leader Harry Reid says he once sought oneness by looking up Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s skirt.  Reid said she hit him in the mouth.  “It was one wild ride,” he reportedly said.  “I like everything I see of Nancy and her politics too.  I feel one with her and rocks and chaos and Twinkies.  I can’t wait until we Democrats control the White House along with the House and Senate.  I’ll be one with that too.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Amy Winehouse Opens Chain of Wine Houses

Namesake to create namesake

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 3, 2008

Amy Winehouse, the British singer-songwriter, announced this week that she’s cashing in on her singing and drug induced popularity by opening a series of Wine Houses across the United States.  According to the singer the Winehouse Wine House will offer hundreds of kinds of wines, some hard liquor, tattoos and under-the-counter illegal drugs.  Some Americans think it’ll be a big success, but others believe it’s just a crazy idea that won’t get any traction.

“There are enough liquor stores around the U.S. and the Winehouse Wine House is going to have stiff competition,” said Twisty Twizzler, a tough minded businessman often mistaken for a strawberry flavored candy.  “Amy has smoked a bit too much crack to think like a clever business person and she’ll be lucky to live for five more years, let alone start a successful chain of booze joints this year.”

But some people think Winehouse can strike it big with the combination of products and services that her Winehouse’s will offer.  “If it were only wine, sure it’d be tough competition,” said Weasel C. Miles, a stoolie and gambler who often trades insults with policemen and teachers.  “Her stoked up druggy connections and quantity deals on tattoos will allow the Winehouse’s to offer highly completive junk.  She may not be able to enter the country herself because of her drug convictions, but her business’ is going to be a monster success.”

Winehouse’ album “Back to Black” led to six Grammy Award nominations and five wins, tying the record for the most wins by a female artist in a single night and becoming the first British singer to win five Grammys, including three of the “Big Four”: Best New Artist, Record of the Year and Song of the Year.  In line with immigration rules that bar foreigners convicted of drug abuse, Winehouse was refused entry into the US to attend the presentation ceremony in Los Angeles and her acceptance speech and live performance at the event had to be made through a satellite link. The singer’s struggle with drug and alcohol addiction, as well as self-destructive behavior, has become regular tabloid news since 2007.  She has also been plagued by legal troubles that have led to the cancellation of several tour dates.  Recently she said she plans on dumping some of her closest friends and leaving life in London in order to help overcome her drug addiction.  She has been in and out of rehab and has been filmed smoking crack.  She hopes the Winehouse Wine House will be a move toward respectability. 

“I’m a great singer and about to become a great booze and tattoo distributor in the U.S.,” said someone claiming to be the singer, but who had so many tattoos and hair colorings that it was hard to tell for sure.  “Once things get going and business is cranking, people will forget all my problems with illegal drugs and the wanton destruction of hotel property.  American’s are forgiving of successful capitalists and I’m looking forward to making my way there.”

In related news, drug addicted singers have been popular since the 1950’s but only recently have they spawned business beyond albums, T-shirts and an occasional postage stamp.  And nine out of ten doctors still disapprove of illegal drugs but prescribe legal ones like gang busters.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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