Amy Winehouse Opens Chain of Wine Houses

Namesake to create namesake

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 3, 2008

Amy Winehouse, the British singer-songwriter, announced this week that she’s cashing in on her singing and drug induced popularity by opening a series of Wine Houses across the United States.  According to the singer the Winehouse Wine House will offer hundreds of kinds of wines, some hard liquor, tattoos and under-the-counter illegal drugs.  Some Americans think it’ll be a big success, but others believe it’s just a crazy idea that won’t get any traction.

“There are enough liquor stores around the U.S. and the Winehouse Wine House is going to have stiff competition,” said Twisty Twizzler, a tough minded businessman often mistaken for a strawberry flavored candy.  “Amy has smoked a bit too much crack to think like a clever business person and she’ll be lucky to live for five more years, let alone start a successful chain of booze joints this year.”

But some people think Winehouse can strike it big with the combination of products and services that her Winehouse’s will offer.  “If it were only wine, sure it’d be tough competition,” said Weasel C. Miles, a stoolie and gambler who often trades insults with policemen and teachers.  “Her stoked up druggy connections and quantity deals on tattoos will allow the Winehouse’s to offer highly completive junk.  She may not be able to enter the country herself because of her drug convictions, but her business’ is going to be a monster success.”

Winehouse’ album “Back to Black” led to six Grammy Award nominations and five wins, tying the record for the most wins by a female artist in a single night and becoming the first British singer to win five Grammys, including three of the “Big Four”: Best New Artist, Record of the Year and Song of the Year.  In line with immigration rules that bar foreigners convicted of drug abuse, Winehouse was refused entry into the US to attend the presentation ceremony in Los Angeles and her acceptance speech and live performance at the event had to be made through a satellite link. The singer’s struggle with drug and alcohol addiction, as well as self-destructive behavior, has become regular tabloid news since 2007.  She has also been plagued by legal troubles that have led to the cancellation of several tour dates.  Recently she said she plans on dumping some of her closest friends and leaving life in London in order to help overcome her drug addiction.  She has been in and out of rehab and has been filmed smoking crack.  She hopes the Winehouse Wine House will be a move toward respectability. 

“I’m a great singer and about to become a great booze and tattoo distributor in the U.S.,” said someone claiming to be the singer, but who had so many tattoos and hair colorings that it was hard to tell for sure.  “Once things get going and business is cranking, people will forget all my problems with illegal drugs and the wanton destruction of hotel property.  American’s are forgiving of successful capitalists and I’m looking forward to making my way there.”

In related news, drug addicted singers have been popular since the 1950’s but only recently have they spawned business beyond albums, T-shirts and an occasional postage stamp.  And nine out of ten doctors still disapprove of illegal drugs but prescribe legal ones like gang busters.

(C) 2008

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