Meat Recalls and Organic Twinkies

Chaos theory and the nature of food

Inebriated Press
March 3, 2008

Last week U.S. Department of Ag officials argued with U.S. Senators about whether the meat from sick cows poses a health threat to Americans who eat it, and Google employees ate organic versions of Twinkies while listening to a food additive researcher discuss his quest to see all of the original Twinkies ingredients for himself.  The debate over what constitutes food continues.

“Food is anything that’s not derived from an animal,” said PETA supporter and part-time nudist, Pamela Anderson, slinging her left breast over her right shoulder and smiling uncontrollably.  “You can mine the ingredients for Twinkies and you can eat Chinese lead and asbestos, but don’t touch an animal for any food related habit.  Animals aren’t food.  I’ll go naked before I eat fur.”

Not everyone is sure that some things aren’t food.  “Food is anything you want it to be, just try to avoid killing yourself unless you’re into that kind of thing,” said a U.S. food inspector, who eats only nuts and bolts manufactured in Sweden, and occasionally wakes up in the night yodeling and playing a banjo.  “In a free country there should be no restriction against consuming anything, and we inspectors feel that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  That’s why we pretty much allow anything in the U.S. food supply.  I’ve been considering eating a few PETA supporters myself, but some wear makeup and that makes me uncomfortable.”

Dow Jones Newswire reported last week that lawmakers and the U.S. Department of Agriculture squared off in a debate over whether the food supply was threatened by a 143-million-pound beef recall announced after a California meat company was found to have slaughtered a “downer” cow that was too sick or injured to walk.  Some Senators expressed concern about the risk of recalled meat already having been consumed, but others said the recall wasn’t about safety.  Still others had no idea why meat that was safe would be recalled.  An anonymous report said a few lawmakers just sat in the back of the room and drank heavily.

Chefs at Google prepared organic versions of Twinkies for a recent speaking event, using locally raised or procured products to make the almond-flavored, cream-filled pastries.  Author Steve Ettlinger spoke to Google workers about his travel around the country and the globe touring plants, mines and refineries to find the actual origins of the almost unpronounceable ingredients used to make Twinkies.  What he discovered continually astounded Ettlinger. “So many of the items are made directly from petroleum products, including natural gas or crude oil” he said. “That just blows my mind.”  Eight of the ingredients in Twinkies come from domestic corn, and three from soybeans, others are derived from sources as divergent as rocks, trees and petroleum products.  Folks at the Center for Metaphysical Food and Conceptual Existence say all things are relative, and while relatives can be annoying we can’t escape them, so we should relax and go with the flow. 

“All matter is made up of atoms and molecules and various combinations create what we call things and some of those things we refer to as food,” said Flower Power, a food existentialist, faith healer and inventor of x-ray eyeglasses capable of looking through clothing to see the souls of men and breasts of women.  “As a child of nature and a bag of elements both chemical and mineral, we are one with all things and although we construe life as being connected to self and occasionally to personality, we are all one big organism and eating ourselves or others or cars or stones is simply the exchanging of elements for momentary inertia or energy.  I can take energy from you by just being here and you can exchange your energy with me and others by your thoughts; or by letting us eat your arm.  We humans are so self centered and devise PETA-style morality, or anti-Hitler feelings based on nothing more than the idea of ethics.  These are mere inventions designed to stop natural or social chaos.  But chaos is the natural order of things.  If we are to attain true oneness with the universe we will embrace chaos and sign on to the Democrats national healthcare plan.”

In other news, U.S. Senate leader Harry Reid says he once sought oneness by looking up Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s skirt.  Reid said she hit him in the mouth.  “It was one wild ride,” he reportedly said.  “I like everything I see of Nancy and her politics too.  I feel one with her and rocks and chaos and Twinkies.  I can’t wait until we Democrats control the White House along with the House and Senate.  I’ll be one with that too.”

(C) 2008

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