Daily Archives: March 4, 2008

Chicago Racketeers’ for Obama

Everything new is old again

Inebriated Press
March 4, 2008

The International Herald Tribune reported that jury selection began Monday in the federal fraud trial of businessman Antoin “Tony” Rezko, a fundraiser for Senator Barack Obama who is charged with buying power and influence by providing Illinois political leaders with campaign money.  Politicians around the country are watching the trial because Rezko, a 52-year-old Chicago real estate developer, poured cash into Obama’s campaigns when Obama was getting his political start.  Some political pundits say Obama’s “new direction” political campaign is funded with old style Chicago racket money.  Debate goes on over whether this traditional approach to money and power is a problem, or is just a return to simpler times and the classic Chicago way of doing things.

“Barack is a good fellow and is following the time honored Chicago political formula for getting power with help from good guys who can get him clean money and assist him in controlling troublesome stuff in the future,” said Mango Tortellini, a zesty pasta-like guy, well known in money laundering circles as being fair and never skimming too much.  “Dis talk about Tony Rezko being a bad guy or being in the racket is just a Republican right-wing conspiracy and nothin’ to be scared ah.  Jus’ forget about it.”

Not everyone is comfortable with Chicago politics or racketeers funding presidential candidates.  “It took a long time to clean up mob funded connections to political candidates and we’ve never fully fixed the problem.  We can’t afford to ignore it now,” said Eliot Ness, an alcoholic killed in a drunken driving accident but remembered most for putting Al Capone behind bars.  “If my schedule were more flexible I’d be on top of this racketeer-funded Obama presidential campaign like stink on a skunk.  And I’m not just saying that because I’m dead and don’t exist in this dimension.  If I could get back, by golly I’d do it.”

Rezko faces a 24-count indictment on charges that he plotted with millionaire attorney Stuart Levine to muscle payoffs out of firms seeking state permission to expand hospitals and hoping to invest money for the fund that pays the pensions of downstate and suburban school teachers.  The case is the biggest political corruption trial in Illinois since former Governor George Ryan was convicted of racketeering in 2006 and sent to prison.  Obama has sent some $85,000 in Rezko-related contributions to charity.  No one knows how much money Rezko gave Obama, when he gave it, or what other possible funding sources he may have arranged or deals he may have structured. 

ABC News reported that Chicago lawyers say Senator Obama may be called as a defense witness for his longtime friend and accused Illinois fixer Tony Rezko.  Jury selection for Rezko, accused of bribing public officials and taking kickbacks, began Monday in a Chicago federal courtroom.

“There is nothing to be concerned about relating to my fundraising or plans to nationalize healthcare using the expertise of fine men like Rezko, who have unique connections,” said someone claiming to be Barack Obama, speaking at a ‘Finally Proud of America’ rally organized by Obama’s wife Michelle.  “Michelle’s dad was a Democratic precinct captain and his connections to classic Chicago politics have helped me connect with voters in ways that have enabled a man like me with virtually no political experience but good communication skills, to rise to the level of a presidential contender.  It’s not important that people know where my money comes from, or how it’s laundered.  All they need to know is that it’s managed by experts who know their way around, and that I’m going to bring something different than what American’s have been stuck with for the past two presidential administrations.  I may not be my own man, but I’ll be president.”

In other news, in an election choreographed by the Kremlin this past Sunday, Dmitri Medvedev secured a predictably commanding victory to become the next Russian president.  No one knows much about him but insiders say all anyone needs to know is that things are being managed by experts who know their way around.  Reportedly Medvedev said, “I may not be my own man, but I’ll be president.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Germs Cause Rain; Strippers Cause Heat

Science and the Lounge

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 4, 2008

MedHeadlines reported Saturday that researchers at LSU have found new evidence that germs cause rain and affect the weather.  Reporting in the journal Science, Brent Christner, a professor of biological sciences at Louisiana State University, says that bacteria are part of the weather cycle.  Louisiana lounge managers said that the new information surprises them, but that they always knew that strippers generated heat.  Debate over how much bacteria and strippers impact the weather and global warming rages.

“I remember this stripper who had a hot body and a bacterial infection down at Bud’s Lounge back in the 70’s who caused a storm when she took her top off,” said Nitro Glycerin, a volatile character known for frequenting nuclear plants and Clinique counters.  “This thing about germs changing the weather and stuff doesn’t surprise me none.”

Some hotel managers doubt that the information is true.  “Germs can give you a cold and stuff, but it’s not generating any hurricanes or global warming, that’s crazy talk,” said Jeffy Jones, a night clerk at the local Hotel 8.  “Bugs can chew plants and make me itch when they get in my pants, but they’re not changing how cold it’s out tomorrow.”

Professor Christner says it’s germs that cause rain.  Not all the rain but certainly some of it.  Christner and his colleagues have traveled the world testing their theory and the results of their studies can be found in the March issue of the journal Science.  Christner’s research has disclosed that bacteria that live on plants can get swept high into the air, where moisture clings to it, forming an ice crystal that grows until it falls as rain or snow.  He and his colleagues have identified the rain-generating bacteria on every continent around the globe.  His discovery will likely lead to multi-disciplinary studies to determine the extent of the influence on weather these germs play and how that knowledge can be used to the best advantage.

“It’s likely that if we can isolate the most potent germs and strippers, that we can control the weather and make it rain or snow in different parts of the world,” said scientist and juggler, Norm Patterson.  “We don’t know how much impact silicon appendages has on the process, but we do know that there are more implants in the U.S. than ever before, and the earth is getting warmer every day.  That has to tell you something.”

In other news, things that tell us stuff comes from all over, but no one saw this coming.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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