Germs Cause Rain; Strippers Cause Heat

Science and the Lounge

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 4, 2008

MedHeadlines reported Saturday that researchers at LSU have found new evidence that germs cause rain and affect the weather.  Reporting in the journal Science, Brent Christner, a professor of biological sciences at Louisiana State University, says that bacteria are part of the weather cycle.  Louisiana lounge managers said that the new information surprises them, but that they always knew that strippers generated heat.  Debate over how much bacteria and strippers impact the weather and global warming rages.

“I remember this stripper who had a hot body and a bacterial infection down at Bud’s Lounge back in the 70’s who caused a storm when she took her top off,” said Nitro Glycerin, a volatile character known for frequenting nuclear plants and Clinique counters.  “This thing about germs changing the weather and stuff doesn’t surprise me none.”

Some hotel managers doubt that the information is true.  “Germs can give you a cold and stuff, but it’s not generating any hurricanes or global warming, that’s crazy talk,” said Jeffy Jones, a night clerk at the local Hotel 8.  “Bugs can chew plants and make me itch when they get in my pants, but they’re not changing how cold it’s out tomorrow.”

Professor Christner says it’s germs that cause rain.  Not all the rain but certainly some of it.  Christner and his colleagues have traveled the world testing their theory and the results of their studies can be found in the March issue of the journal Science.  Christner’s research has disclosed that bacteria that live on plants can get swept high into the air, where moisture clings to it, forming an ice crystal that grows until it falls as rain or snow.  He and his colleagues have identified the rain-generating bacteria on every continent around the globe.  His discovery will likely lead to multi-disciplinary studies to determine the extent of the influence on weather these germs play and how that knowledge can be used to the best advantage.

“It’s likely that if we can isolate the most potent germs and strippers, that we can control the weather and make it rain or snow in different parts of the world,” said scientist and juggler, Norm Patterson.  “We don’t know how much impact silicon appendages has on the process, but we do know that there are more implants in the U.S. than ever before, and the earth is getting warmer every day.  That has to tell you something.”

In other news, things that tell us stuff comes from all over, but no one saw this coming.

(C) 2008

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