Daily Archives: March 5, 2008

China Hikes Military Spending, U.S. Dem’s Like It

Time for Chinese to take lead in world

Inebriated Press
March 5, 2008

The International Herald Tribune reported yesterday that China is increasing its military spending by 17.6% to $58.8 billion dollars.  China has posted double-digit increases in annual defense every year as it builds more sophisticated weaponry for its massive 2.3 million-strong military, the world’s biggest standing force.  Democrat presidential candidates lauded the Chinese for their forward thinking and are eager for them to take the lead in world affairs.

“It’s about time that a country other than the United States provide security through strength to the world at large, and as president, I’ll reduce the U.S. presence in countries around the globe and am looking forward to China taking a larger role,” said presidential candidate Barack Obama, speaking through a Chinese interpreter at a fast food restaurant in Texas.  “The role of the U.S. in the future is to provide massive funding to the United Nations so that they can distribute it to countries with less than us.  By doing this, while letting China take over as the most powerful country in the world, and by letting Islamofascists do whatever they want, the U.S. will be able to live in peace and harmony.”

Not everyone is comfortable with the Chinese becoming the dominate world power or Islamofascists being allowed to do whatever they want.  “We didn’t trust Soviet communists or Fidel Castro, but the Chinese have become such good friends of ours that we import their lead based toys for our kids, turn over the majority of our manufacturing needs to them – including high technology – and eat their food containing antifreeze additives.  That I can understand, it makes great sense.  Kind of like shooting the toes off our feet with our own gun and wondering why we walk with a limp,” said Cathy Ireland, a well known muscle builder and historian often mistaken for an actress and model.  “I guess the U.S. really does want to become like France.  Except France can be France because a democracy like the U.S. is maintaining stability in the world.  I’m not so sure that Red Communist security and stability will be the same.”

The Tribune reported that China announced a further sharp increase in military spending Tuesday, as the United States renewed its warning that a lack of transparency surrounding the rapid buildup of the Chinese armed forces posed a threat to stability.  China’s military budget for 2008 would increase by 17.6 percent to 417.77 billion yuan, or $58.8 billion, Jiang Enzhu, spokesman for the Chinese Parliament, the National People’s Congress, said at a news conference. 

Foreign security experts in the United States and elsewhere say that Beijing’s real defense spending is two or three times the announced figure and that these sustained increases have put China on track to become a major military power and the country most capable of challenging U.S. dominance in East Asia.  In its annual report to Congress on the Chinese military, released Monday, the Pentagon said the international community had limited knowledge of the motivation behind China’s accelerating buildup and the capabilities it was developing.

“We can’t figure out why a country that lacks food resources and is severely short of oil and energy, but has billions of people, would want to build it’s military into the most powerful and dominant in the history of the world,” said Pentagon spokesperson A. Cluelessman, looking at his pocket lint for insight and common sense.  “I don’t know if there are any historical presidents involving countries with enormous military build-ups when confronted by severe shortages of critical needs.  I was thinking of looking into it but got side tracked watching American Idol.  Gosh I like that show.”

In other news, clueless Democrat candidates and an occasional moron at the Pentagon continue to make regular Americans nervous.  U.S. citizens want to do the right thing but are still uncomfortable giving up their right to bear arms.  Most are just hunters, but some people think they may need to defend themselves.  “Someone has to do it,” said an innocent bystander, struggling to deal with the lack of common sense so pervasive in American politics.  “If we get Democrat leaders who won’t keep us strong, I guess it’s up to me.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Victoria’s New Secret Revealed

Wrong kind of sexy, hoses business

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 5, 2008

The Wall Street Journal reported last week that Victoria’s Secret has left its heritage and has become the “wrong kind of sexy.”  Sales in 2007 were down and the chain reported a 12% decline in fourth quarter income.  CEO Sharen Turney said they need to get back to ultra-feminine lingerie to meet customers expectations.  Debate over whether “hooker style” is really out of fashion continues.

“Victoria has dropped standards down to what I call the ‘bad skank on drugs’ look.  I’ve seen more modestly dressed hookers on the East side than what recent Victoria Secret models are wearing,” said Glitter Sunbeam, a bright young woman with a sparkling personality and a 9mm Beretta tucked in the waste of her pantyhose.  “Unless you’re a hooker with a solid customer base, you don’t want to be seen wearing the stuff that Victoria’s Secret has been putting out.”

Not everyone thinks Victoria’s Secret has gotten off track.  “There has never been a Secret model that I didn’t want to spend lots of quality time with,” said Bill Clinton, a former U.S. president and strong believer in not discriminating against the hiring of sluts as government interns.  “I think Victoria has the best dressed women in America.  Certainly the best ‘dressed for success’.  I put them right up there with the Hooters Girls, maybe not quite as classy, but right up there.”

Limited Brands Inc., parent company of Victoria’s Secret, based in Columbus, Ohio, reported a 12% decline in net income for its fiscal fourth quarter.  Its shares fell more than 11% to $15.85 on the New York Stock Exchange last Wednesday.  CEO Turney said Victoria’s Secret needs to win customers back to its core lingerie business by producing more sophisticated merchandise.  The chief executive of the brand known for its provocative televised fashion shows and alluring stores said the brand has become “too sexy” — or at least the wrong kind of sexy.  One reason Victoria’s Secret got off track, Ms. Turney said, was the success of its Pink brand, which launched in 2002 and aimed to introduce college students to Victoria’s Secret stores. Today, Victoria’s Secret stores are lacquered black, with neon-pink accents and oversize images of scantily clad models.  The word “sex” is everywhere.  The chain has hired executives, including a new head of its beauty division, to rejigger its products and store design. 

“We’re not going back to wearing gunny sacks or body armor but we want to tone down the skank look and diseased hooker feel,” said Debbi Dropcloth, an expert in textiles, auto detailing and alcohol based fuel additives.  “I don’t wear anything but coveralls when I’m not naked, but I think I can help the clothing chain find something in-between.  That is, when I’m not at a NASCAR.  I am a creative consultant you know.”

In related news, with a license from NASCAR, Genius Fashion Inc. manufactures NASCAR-themed foot wear from high-heels and boots to flip-flops and sling-backs.  Its debut line was an instant success at Victoria’s Secret.  I guess that changes things up a bit.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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