Victoria’s New Secret Revealed

Wrong kind of sexy, hoses business

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 5, 2008

The Wall Street Journal reported last week that Victoria’s Secret has left its heritage and has become the “wrong kind of sexy.”  Sales in 2007 were down and the chain reported a 12% decline in fourth quarter income.  CEO Sharen Turney said they need to get back to ultra-feminine lingerie to meet customers expectations.  Debate over whether “hooker style” is really out of fashion continues.

“Victoria has dropped standards down to what I call the ‘bad skank on drugs’ look.  I’ve seen more modestly dressed hookers on the East side than what recent Victoria Secret models are wearing,” said Glitter Sunbeam, a bright young woman with a sparkling personality and a 9mm Beretta tucked in the waste of her pantyhose.  “Unless you’re a hooker with a solid customer base, you don’t want to be seen wearing the stuff that Victoria’s Secret has been putting out.”

Not everyone thinks Victoria’s Secret has gotten off track.  “There has never been a Secret model that I didn’t want to spend lots of quality time with,” said Bill Clinton, a former U.S. president and strong believer in not discriminating against the hiring of sluts as government interns.  “I think Victoria has the best dressed women in America.  Certainly the best ‘dressed for success’.  I put them right up there with the Hooters Girls, maybe not quite as classy, but right up there.”

Limited Brands Inc., parent company of Victoria’s Secret, based in Columbus, Ohio, reported a 12% decline in net income for its fiscal fourth quarter.  Its shares fell more than 11% to $15.85 on the New York Stock Exchange last Wednesday.  CEO Turney said Victoria’s Secret needs to win customers back to its core lingerie business by producing more sophisticated merchandise.  The chief executive of the brand known for its provocative televised fashion shows and alluring stores said the brand has become “too sexy” — or at least the wrong kind of sexy.  One reason Victoria’s Secret got off track, Ms. Turney said, was the success of its Pink brand, which launched in 2002 and aimed to introduce college students to Victoria’s Secret stores. Today, Victoria’s Secret stores are lacquered black, with neon-pink accents and oversize images of scantily clad models.  The word “sex” is everywhere.  The chain has hired executives, including a new head of its beauty division, to rejigger its products and store design. 

“We’re not going back to wearing gunny sacks or body armor but we want to tone down the skank look and diseased hooker feel,” said Debbi Dropcloth, an expert in textiles, auto detailing and alcohol based fuel additives.  “I don’t wear anything but coveralls when I’m not naked, but I think I can help the clothing chain find something in-between.  That is, when I’m not at a NASCAR.  I am a creative consultant you know.”

In related news, with a license from NASCAR, Genius Fashion Inc. manufactures NASCAR-themed foot wear from high-heels and boots to flip-flops and sling-backs.  Its debut line was an instant success at Victoria’s Secret.  I guess that changes things up a bit.

(C) 2008

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