Daily Archives: March 6, 2008

U.S. Federal Reserve Urges Protection of Morons

Bernanke asks banks to give gifts to people with high credit risk

Inebriated Press
March 6, 2008

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, urged lenders on Tuesday to forgive portions of mortgages held by homeowners at risk of defaulting.  Bernanke said he wouldn’t tell banks what to do, but said the U.S. economy would benefit if homeowners lacking cash didn’t have to pay their mortgage.  Democrats say we can’t trust the bankers to do it, so a law should be made to force them.  Debate over personal responsibility and how it affects the U.S. economy continues.

“My wife and I borrowed money to buy our home and she works one job and I work two so we can make the payments and still try and save for our kids’ college,” said Hapless Voter, an American trapped by conscience into doing what’s right even when it’s not comfortable.  “We try to spend some money on junk we don’t need so that it stimulates the economy and keeps it expanding, but there’s only so much we can do and still make ends meet.  I suppose I could cry to the government for some kind of bail-out, but that would just increase taxes.  I think if both our government and the people who took out loans that they couldn’t afford would tighten their belts and behave like grown-ups it’d be best for everyone.”

Not everyone agrees that taking personal responsibility and encouraging others to do the same is the right thing to do.  “Don’t foist your old out-of-date values on me, you worthless bastard,” said Hector Malfeasance, an illegal alien living in California currently receiving food stamps and welfare, while his son and daughter go to college in Kansas where the State will pay the cost for illegal’s, but not legal citizens.  “I can barely pay for my cable and Nintendo games, let alone make payments on my house.  The government owes me good housing and healthcare because I worked hard to get across the border and into this country.  Now that I’m here, I win.  Pay up.”

The Fed chief highlighted the threat posed by home values falling below mortgage balances, something Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson played down Monday.  Bernanke said the “recent surge” in delinquencies has been “closely linked” to the slide of home equity.  Paulson said in an interview with Bloomberg Television yesterday that “almost too much” has been made out of concerns about homeowners whose house prices have dropped below their mortgages. He also said the administration’s strategy of encouraging lenders to modify loans is “the right approach and we are making substantial progress.”  Democrats say it’s not enough.

“People are entitled to homes, healthcare, cable TV and free food,” said Hillary Obama, some kind of Democrat clone that plans to cease ultimate power someday, and right all the wrongs perpetuated against Socialists by wrong-thinking Horatio Alger types.  “I believe in the adage ‘all things come to those who wait’ and think that everyone should just wait for stuff and it should show up.  When it doesn’t, then we need to get active and create laws and regulations on industry so that it does.  All this hard work stuff is so out dated.  I just don’t understand why it’s still around.”

In other news, the Australian press reported Sunday that Canberra has a new “humane prison.”  It features architect-designed self-contained cottages with roomy kitchens, lounge rooms complete with flat-screen LCD televisions and mountain views through floor to ceiling windows.  Corrections Minister Simon Corbell defended the facilities, saying they were vital to rehabilitating Canberra’s prisoners and breaking the cycle of crime.  No word on whether someone will make the inmates mortgage payments for them while they’re trapped inside watching TV.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Dalai Lama Pizza; Taco Bell Beware

Tastes great, provides peace and serenity

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 6, 2008

Battling Chinese oppression which forced the Dalai Lama to live as a fugitive inside India, the magistrate of Tibetan Buddhism has started a pizza chain using taco shell styled crust designed to compete against Taco Bell and Pizza Hut fast food chains.  Citing difficulty in fund raising and the need for a new approach, the spiritual leader said that his new plan is to sell pizza with a unique blend of tomato sauce and an additive in the crust that will enable the new pies to be filling yet create feelings of peace and serenity within the consumer.  Taste testers say it’s true.

“I used to wolf down Pizza Hut pies and felt bloated and depressed,” said Cliff Hanger, a gang banger and Tang drinker known for keeping people in suspense.  “But since eating Dalai Lama Pizza I’ve been calmer and more relaxed.  I haven’t told anyone to go screw themselves in the past two days, and that must be some kind of record.  I’m way more serine, no shit.”

Not everyone thinks pizza can create a sense of serenity.  “Peace and enlightenment from some crust and tomato sauce; I don’t think so,” said Subjective Dialogue, a deep thinker prone to bouts of situational ethics and a tendency toward irrelevance.  “You can fill a lot of needs with a good pizza pie; I won’t argue about that, but a religious experience, I don’t think so.”

Pizza is the name of an oven-baked, flat, usually round bread that is usually covered with tomatoes or a tomato-based sauce and often mozzarella cheese, with other toppings added according to region, culture or personal preference.  While originating as a part of Neapolitan cuisine, the dish has become popular in many different parts of the world.  Pizza is normally eaten hot, typically at lunch or dinner, but is sometimes eaten as cold leftovers.

“I like my pizza cold and my religious experiences tied to sex and drugs,” said Jerry Garcia, a thoughtful guitarist recently dead and formerly a living member of the Grateful Dead.  “I like the idea of chilling out with a Dalai Lama pizza, some heroin, a Black Strat and extra cheese.  If I weren’t dead this would make for a heck of a weekend.”

In related news, despite its officially secular stance, the government of the People’s Republic of China has claimed the power to approve the naming of high reincarnations in Tibet.  The Dalai Lama says Tibetans should decide whether a person is an incarnation and not the Communist Chinese.  No word on whether China is also demanding the pizza recipe.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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