Tastes great, provides peace and serenity
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 6, 2008
Battling Chinese oppression which forced the Dalai Lama to live as a fugitive inside India, the magistrate of Tibetan Buddhism has started a pizza chain using taco shell styled crust designed to compete against Taco Bell and Pizza Hut fast food chains. Citing difficulty in fund raising and the need for a new approach, the spiritual leader said that his new plan is to sell pizza with a unique blend of tomato sauce and an additive in the crust that will enable the new pies to be filling yet create feelings of peace and serenity within the consumer. Taste testers say it’s true.
“I used to wolf down Pizza Hut pies and felt bloated and depressed,” said Cliff Hanger, a gang banger and Tang drinker known for keeping people in suspense. “But since eating Dalai Lama Pizza I’ve been calmer and more relaxed. I haven’t told anyone to go screw themselves in the past two days, and that must be some kind of record. I’m way more serine, no shit.”
Not everyone thinks pizza can create a sense of serenity. “Peace and enlightenment from some crust and tomato sauce; I don’t think so,” said Subjective Dialogue, a deep thinker prone to bouts of situational ethics and a tendency toward irrelevance. “You can fill a lot of needs with a good pizza pie; I won’t argue about that, but a religious experience, I don’t think so.”
Pizza is the name of an oven-baked, flat, usually round bread that is usually covered with tomatoes or a tomato-based sauce and often mozzarella cheese, with other toppings added according to region, culture or personal preference. While originating as a part of Neapolitan cuisine, the dish has become popular in many different parts of the world. Pizza is normally eaten hot, typically at lunch or dinner, but is sometimes eaten as cold leftovers.
“I like my pizza cold and my religious experiences tied to sex and drugs,” said Jerry Garcia, a thoughtful guitarist recently dead and formerly a living member of the Grateful Dead. “I like the idea of chilling out with a Dalai Lama pizza, some heroin, a Black Strat and extra cheese. If I weren’t dead this would make for a heck of a weekend.”
In related news, despite its officially secular stance, the government of the People’s Republic of China has claimed the power to approve the naming of high reincarnations in Tibet. The Dalai Lama says Tibetans should decide whether a person is an incarnation and not the Communist Chinese. No word on whether China is also demanding the pizza recipe.
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