U.S. Federal Reserve Urges Protection of Morons

Bernanke asks banks to give gifts to people with high credit risk

Inebriated Press
March 6, 2008

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, urged lenders on Tuesday to forgive portions of mortgages held by homeowners at risk of defaulting.  Bernanke said he wouldn’t tell banks what to do, but said the U.S. economy would benefit if homeowners lacking cash didn’t have to pay their mortgage.  Democrats say we can’t trust the bankers to do it, so a law should be made to force them.  Debate over personal responsibility and how it affects the U.S. economy continues.

“My wife and I borrowed money to buy our home and she works one job and I work two so we can make the payments and still try and save for our kids’ college,” said Hapless Voter, an American trapped by conscience into doing what’s right even when it’s not comfortable.  “We try to spend some money on junk we don’t need so that it stimulates the economy and keeps it expanding, but there’s only so much we can do and still make ends meet.  I suppose I could cry to the government for some kind of bail-out, but that would just increase taxes.  I think if both our government and the people who took out loans that they couldn’t afford would tighten their belts and behave like grown-ups it’d be best for everyone.”

Not everyone agrees that taking personal responsibility and encouraging others to do the same is the right thing to do.  “Don’t foist your old out-of-date values on me, you worthless bastard,” said Hector Malfeasance, an illegal alien living in California currently receiving food stamps and welfare, while his son and daughter go to college in Kansas where the State will pay the cost for illegal’s, but not legal citizens.  “I can barely pay for my cable and Nintendo games, let alone make payments on my house.  The government owes me good housing and healthcare because I worked hard to get across the border and into this country.  Now that I’m here, I win.  Pay up.”

The Fed chief highlighted the threat posed by home values falling below mortgage balances, something Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson played down Monday.  Bernanke said the “recent surge” in delinquencies has been “closely linked” to the slide of home equity.  Paulson said in an interview with Bloomberg Television yesterday that “almost too much” has been made out of concerns about homeowners whose house prices have dropped below their mortgages. He also said the administration’s strategy of encouraging lenders to modify loans is “the right approach and we are making substantial progress.”  Democrats say it’s not enough.

“People are entitled to homes, healthcare, cable TV and free food,” said Hillary Obama, some kind of Democrat clone that plans to cease ultimate power someday, and right all the wrongs perpetuated against Socialists by wrong-thinking Horatio Alger types.  “I believe in the adage ‘all things come to those who wait’ and think that everyone should just wait for stuff and it should show up.  When it doesn’t, then we need to get active and create laws and regulations on industry so that it does.  All this hard work stuff is so out dated.  I just don’t understand why it’s still around.”

In other news, the Australian press reported Sunday that Canberra has a new “humane prison.”  It features architect-designed self-contained cottages with roomy kitchens, lounge rooms complete with flat-screen LCD televisions and mountain views through floor to ceiling windows.  Corrections Minister Simon Corbell defended the facilities, saying they were vital to rehabilitating Canberra’s prisoners and breaking the cycle of crime.  No word on whether someone will make the inmates mortgage payments for them while they’re trapped inside watching TV.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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