Daily Archives: March 7, 2008

Democrats: Votes Only Count Against Republicans

Okay to scrap entire states electorate if they don’t bow to DNC

Inebriated Press
March 7, 2008

Democrat’s are debating whether they should allow votes from Democrat primaries held in Michigan and Florida to count, or whether the primaries should be held a second time, or if the votes should all be tossed in the dust bin as previously decided, because the states didn’t fall in line behind the national Democrat Party calendar.  At issue is whether Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton wins the Democrat nomination for president.  Democrat National Committee (DNC) chair Howard Dean says the only time votes should be re-voted or re-counted are when Democrats lose to Republicans, like the Florida vote several years ago.  In a race between Democrats a Democrat will win anyway so voters aren’t needed if they can’t tow the Democrat national party line.

“Michigan and Florida Democrats moved their primary election dates forward on the calendar and we told them their votes wouldn’t count if they did that.  They did it and we won’t count them,” said DNC chairman Howard Dean, shaking his fist in all directions and uncorking a slew of four-letter words and two jugs of Jack Daniels.  “I run the DNC and the States have no power, no authority and are worthless in the political arena unless I decide otherwise.  And right now, I’ve decided that they’re lowlife bastards who won’t follow the dictates of the national organization, so screw them.  No vote should count unless I say so.  And that goes for the general election too.  Yeeee ha!”

Not everyone is as cavalier as Dean about the value of an American’s vote.  “The United States is a country of individual States united, and the federal government gets it’s authority as the result of those States and it’s citizens, and not the other way around,” said Hamster Hewy, a small fuzzy guy who likes nuts and seeds and is baffled by the U.S. election process.  “If the citizens of a State decide to change the date of a primary, and they all get together and follow a legal voting process, then their votes should count.  How can you say my vote doesn’t count because I did it a month or two before some arbitrary date that a national party official says it’s supposed to be?  Tell Howard Dean he can kiss my furry ass, and the one he rode in on.”

Yesterday the L.A. Times reported that National chairman Howard Dean said the Democrat party can’t afford to rerun the Michigan and Florida primaries, and that their results remain disqualified because the states moved up their primary election dates.  Millions of people in Florida and Michigan went to the polls in January, but their votes didn’t count because the national party punished them for improperly moving their primaries to the head of the field.  In effect, the voters’ efforts didn’t count toward choosing the Democratic presidential candidate.  With about 100 delegate votes separating Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton, there is increasing attention on the Florida and Michigan situation, including the possibility of rerunning the races.  Not everyone is bothered by the idea of excluding votes or voters.

“Voters can be a real pain in the ass and it’s important that the election process is carefully managed,” said Russian leader Vladimir Putin, patting the head of recently installed Russian president Dmitry Medvedev, who sat at Putin’s feet polishing his shoes having already finished the laundry.  “Unless party heads control the election process and decide whose votes count and whose don’t, you could wind up having someone elected that you didn’t plan on.  In my case I could have lost my iron grip on Russia, and in the Democrats case it’s important that they win the White House while keeping control of both the House and Senate.  Any voter who gets out of the lock step established by the party politburo, I mean Democrat party, should be shot, and lacking that, their vote shouldn’t count.  It’s important to punish those who don’t follow the rules dictated from the top.  It’s the only way a strong centralized power base can be maintained.”

In other news, the United Nations (U.N.) on Tuesday decided against issuing another resolution telling Iran to behave since Iran has ignored all the previous ones, reported BBC News.  Instead, the U.N. complained that British law enforcement officials were too lenient in their handling of celebrities with bad behavior, reported UK’s Daily Mail.  No word on whether British police will arrest more famous people or not, or whether officials at the U.N. will ever pull their heads out of their ass and do something constructive for a change.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Cigarettes Cure Cancer

Surprise finding to revolutionize healthcare

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 7, 2008

In a stunning announcement yesterday, the American Cancer Society said that cigarettes cure cancer rather than causing it.  According to a study that has been suppressed due to the need to maintain anti-smoking donations, the Society said allegations that they and other ‘experts’ have been making against smoking are unfounded.  Reportedly the study says it’s the combination of smoking and drinking that creates a harmful chemical cocktail and that cigarettes and booze used separately actually improve health.  Inebriated reporter Busty Silicone, has the story.

“Speaking at the 2008 Trix cereal convention and hopped up on sugar and milk, American Cancer Society CEO John Seffrin, said he was embarrassed to admit that the Society has been withholding the truth from the American public,” said reporter Silicone, jiggling six inches to the right.  “He said that when used in moderation cigarettes are part of a well balanced diet and can cure cancer and hemorrhoids.  It seemed strange to me at the time, but I needed a story and by golly that was one.”

Not everyone is convinced that cigarettes cure cancer, or that the Cancer Society would admit it if it did.  “After all the years of telling us that cigarettes cause cancer it’s not going to suddenly come out that they’re healthy,” said Dubious Encounter, a strong willed man who rarely experiences reality but still pays taxes and buys lottery tickets.  “Sure it’s true we’ve discovered that wine actually is good for the heart and that real butter is better than margarine and red meat provides critical enzymes that are impossible to get when only eating vegetables.  But cigarettes healthy?  No one will ever admit that.  There’s way too much invested.  That truth will never be uncovered.”

Over the past several years rules about health and safety created in the sixties and seventies have been overturned as medical professionals discovered natural fats are better for people than ones created in chemical plants; and that not eating red meat is why kids in third world nations are sick all the time.  Conspiracy theorists think that the governments of developed nations have been manipulating studies in order to manage population growth, by causing disease and premature death among the citizenry.  Others think its corporations that need to market products they hold patent rights to, so they fund studies to discredit products that they compete against for market share.  Still others say it’s all about the person who actually writes the reports.

“Have you ever actually met anyone who has written a study or report that has turned science or past history, or tradition on its head?  Most people haven’t, but the few who have say these people are all the same person,” said Classic Case, a biped of European origin often associated with doing the right thing, but occasionally faking it.  “They’re all named Farley and they report to someone they won’t name.  You think all these fund raising societies and foundations have time to check this stuff out?  They’re busy building business and don’t have time for the truth.  Everything you think you know came from an idea in Farley’s head.  You are not your own.  If you were, you’d know that cigarettes can’t hurt you.”

In other news, cancer deaths have fallen in the U.S. and some say it’s because people are smoking less.  Others say it’s because more bars don’t allow smoking so fewer risky chemical cocktails are created.  Still others say it’s nothing more than another study written by Farley.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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