Surprise finding to revolutionize healthcare
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 7, 2008
In a stunning announcement yesterday, the American Cancer Society said that cigarettes cure cancer rather than causing it. According to a study that has been suppressed due to the need to maintain anti-smoking donations, the Society said allegations that they and other ‘experts’ have been making against smoking are unfounded. Reportedly the study says it’s the combination of smoking and drinking that creates a harmful chemical cocktail and that cigarettes and booze used separately actually improve health. Inebriated reporter Busty Silicone, has the story.
“Speaking at the 2008 Trix cereal convention and hopped up on sugar and milk, American Cancer Society CEO John Seffrin, said he was embarrassed to admit that the Society has been withholding the truth from the American public,” said reporter Silicone, jiggling six inches to the right. “He said that when used in moderation cigarettes are part of a well balanced diet and can cure cancer and hemorrhoids. It seemed strange to me at the time, but I needed a story and by golly that was one.”
Not everyone is convinced that cigarettes cure cancer, or that the Cancer Society would admit it if it did. “After all the years of telling us that cigarettes cause cancer it’s not going to suddenly come out that they’re healthy,” said Dubious Encounter, a strong willed man who rarely experiences reality but still pays taxes and buys lottery tickets. “Sure it’s true we’ve discovered that wine actually is good for the heart and that real butter is better than margarine and red meat provides critical enzymes that are impossible to get when only eating vegetables. But cigarettes healthy? No one will ever admit that. There’s way too much invested. That truth will never be uncovered.”
Over the past several years rules about health and safety created in the sixties and seventies have been overturned as medical professionals discovered natural fats are better for people than ones created in chemical plants; and that not eating red meat is why kids in third world nations are sick all the time. Conspiracy theorists think that the governments of developed nations have been manipulating studies in order to manage population growth, by causing disease and premature death among the citizenry. Others think its corporations that need to market products they hold patent rights to, so they fund studies to discredit products that they compete against for market share. Still others say it’s all about the person who actually writes the reports.
“Have you ever actually met anyone who has written a study or report that has turned science or past history, or tradition on its head? Most people haven’t, but the few who have say these people are all the same person,” said Classic Case, a biped of European origin often associated with doing the right thing, but occasionally faking it. “They’re all named Farley and they report to someone they won’t name. You think all these fund raising societies and foundations have time to check this stuff out? They’re busy building business and don’t have time for the truth. Everything you think you know came from an idea in Farley’s head. You are not your own. If you were, you’d know that cigarettes can’t hurt you.”
In other news, cancer deaths have fallen in the U.S. and some say it’s because people are smoking less. Others say it’s because more bars don’t allow smoking so fewer risky chemical cocktails are created. Still others say it’s nothing more than another study written by Farley.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com