Democrats: Votes Only Count Against Republicans

Okay to scrap entire states electorate if they don’t bow to DNC

Inebriated Press
March 7, 2008

Democrat’s are debating whether they should allow votes from Democrat primaries held in Michigan and Florida to count, or whether the primaries should be held a second time, or if the votes should all be tossed in the dust bin as previously decided, because the states didn’t fall in line behind the national Democrat Party calendar.  At issue is whether Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton wins the Democrat nomination for president.  Democrat National Committee (DNC) chair Howard Dean says the only time votes should be re-voted or re-counted are when Democrats lose to Republicans, like the Florida vote several years ago.  In a race between Democrats a Democrat will win anyway so voters aren’t needed if they can’t tow the Democrat national party line.

“Michigan and Florida Democrats moved their primary election dates forward on the calendar and we told them their votes wouldn’t count if they did that.  They did it and we won’t count them,” said DNC chairman Howard Dean, shaking his fist in all directions and uncorking a slew of four-letter words and two jugs of Jack Daniels.  “I run the DNC and the States have no power, no authority and are worthless in the political arena unless I decide otherwise.  And right now, I’ve decided that they’re lowlife bastards who won’t follow the dictates of the national organization, so screw them.  No vote should count unless I say so.  And that goes for the general election too.  Yeeee ha!”

Not everyone is as cavalier as Dean about the value of an American’s vote.  “The United States is a country of individual States united, and the federal government gets it’s authority as the result of those States and it’s citizens, and not the other way around,” said Hamster Hewy, a small fuzzy guy who likes nuts and seeds and is baffled by the U.S. election process.  “If the citizens of a State decide to change the date of a primary, and they all get together and follow a legal voting process, then their votes should count.  How can you say my vote doesn’t count because I did it a month or two before some arbitrary date that a national party official says it’s supposed to be?  Tell Howard Dean he can kiss my furry ass, and the one he rode in on.”

Yesterday the L.A. Times reported that National chairman Howard Dean said the Democrat party can’t afford to rerun the Michigan and Florida primaries, and that their results remain disqualified because the states moved up their primary election dates.  Millions of people in Florida and Michigan went to the polls in January, but their votes didn’t count because the national party punished them for improperly moving their primaries to the head of the field.  In effect, the voters’ efforts didn’t count toward choosing the Democratic presidential candidate.  With about 100 delegate votes separating Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton, there is increasing attention on the Florida and Michigan situation, including the possibility of rerunning the races.  Not everyone is bothered by the idea of excluding votes or voters.

“Voters can be a real pain in the ass and it’s important that the election process is carefully managed,” said Russian leader Vladimir Putin, patting the head of recently installed Russian president Dmitry Medvedev, who sat at Putin’s feet polishing his shoes having already finished the laundry.  “Unless party heads control the election process and decide whose votes count and whose don’t, you could wind up having someone elected that you didn’t plan on.  In my case I could have lost my iron grip on Russia, and in the Democrats case it’s important that they win the White House while keeping control of both the House and Senate.  Any voter who gets out of the lock step established by the party politburo, I mean Democrat party, should be shot, and lacking that, their vote shouldn’t count.  It’s important to punish those who don’t follow the rules dictated from the top.  It’s the only way a strong centralized power base can be maintained.”

In other news, the United Nations (U.N.) on Tuesday decided against issuing another resolution telling Iran to behave since Iran has ignored all the previous ones, reported BBC News.  Instead, the U.N. complained that British law enforcement officials were too lenient in their handling of celebrities with bad behavior, reported UK’s Daily Mail.  No word on whether British police will arrest more famous people or not, or whether officials at the U.N. will ever pull their heads out of their ass and do something constructive for a change.

(C) 2008

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