Daily Archives: March 10, 2008

Pentagon Slows Google Domination Plan

Stifles World Take-Over Strategy over Privacy Issue
Pam Anderson’s Breasts Remain Free

Inebriated Press
March 10, 2008

The Pentagon said that Google’s Street Views is a threat to national security and made Google pull images taken on streets near U.S. military bases.  Military experts at the Pentagon say that the pictures could be used as intelligence by terrorists planning attacks on U.S. bases.  Google said information transparency and freedom is almost as important as AdSense clicks, but decided to back off from sharing U.S. military information with everyone on the globe.

“Government secrets and personal privacy are irrelevant in the new age of Internet search and display technology, and only Google’s strategy needs to be kept hidden,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt, playing a game of “catch and release” with a couple of U.S. Generals.  “Google is determined to free all knowledge and information to all people and in so doing create a more level playing field for competitors of business and warfare.  Of course, we expect our Ad revenues to keep going through the roof, and will have to tweak more ad views if they keep slipping.  We think the military should chill out and let us do what we do.  It’s up to them to stay ahead of the Chinese and terrorists.  Our job is simply to reveal everything we can to everyone we can, and let the chips fall where they may … and keep AdSense chugging.  That goes without saying.”

Not everyone thinks that all information should be available to everybody.  “Some secrets should be kept secret,” said former U.S. president Bill Clinton, an open and accessible guy who only likes keeping the amount of his illicit sexual encounters and campaign contributors under wraps.  “I admire any person or company that wants to take over the world by controlling information and technology.  I had to gain power through politics and that’s a lot tougher.  It’s the combination of politics and technology that’ll rule in the future.  That’s why China is stealing our high-tech and continuing to play hardball politics.  If I was a young person just starting out today, I’d become Chinese so I could rule the world of tomorrow.”

Information Week reported Friday that the U.S. government was concerned that the Google Street View images, which included views of the entrances to military bases, were a threat.  General Gene Renuart, head of the military command responsible for homeland defense, said, “It actually shows where all the guards are.  It shows how the barriers go up and down.  It shows how to get in and out of buildings.  I think that poses a real security risk for our military installations.” 

Street Views has caused controversy from its start.  Many privacy advocates claimed that even though images were taken in public places — where no reasonable assumption of privacy really exists — people were being exposed doing things they might not wish to have plastered on the Internet for all to see.  According to a Reuters report, “a man was pictured exiting a San Francisco strip club.  In another case, a woman was shown sunbathing.  Complaints have even included a woman asking that a picture of her cat be taken down, a request Google denied.”  Critics say privacy is an overblown concept.

“Privacy is a relic of the past, just like personal freedom and the right to bear arms,” said actress and animal rights activist, Pam Anderson, baring her chest for a publicly photo for an eco-friendly pro-Nazi organization yet to be named.  “Nothing should be kept from anyone and I applaud Google for displaying pictures of U.S. military installations to everyone and for agreeing with the Chinese government to control content to their citizens who aren’t ready to handle the truth.  The less control there is on proprietary information, then the less other things can be restricted, and I don’t like restriction except in a few cases.  I like freedom for animals and my breasts.  Only Americans need to be controlled and kept from having weapons and eating meat.  I guess when you get right down to it; I am the definer of privacy and freedom.  I am my own god, and if you agree to put your faith in me, I’ll show you my tits.”

In related news, Pam Anderson’s effort to trade views of her chest for control of the definition of personal freedom and rights was derailed by Google Images which is displaying Anderson’s breasts to the world for free.  No word on whether Pam will partner with the Pentagon to try and get Google under control.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Egyptian Pyramids are Faked

Made of cardboard and paste

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
March 10, 2008

Archeologist and part-time hooker Sydney “Boom Boom” Malone, revealed yesterday that the Egyptian pyramids famous in America and around the globe as one of the great wonders of the world, are actually card board and paste, and that a huge conspiracy exists to make people think they are made of stone blocks and stand hundreds to thousands of feet high.  Meeting with a small, carefully selected group of reporters whom she knew she could trust, Boom Boom exposed the giant conspiracy that has benefited museums around the world for years.

“The pyramids are fake and so is all the stuff that museum curators claim was inside them,” said Malone, recently back from Egypt and still wearing a pith helmet, leather chaps and a silicon bust that has been known to weaken guys’ knees and drain nuclear power plants in the tri-state area.  “It all began back in the 1800’s when some guy started a museum in England and couldn’t afford to keep it going.  He hired some broke archeologist to make the stuff up and then paraded the guy in front of newsmen to create buzz.  This whole thing is a long-term, complicated scam that’s been perpetuated on unsuspecting museum goers unwittingly funding it.  It’s all a big hoax.  As an archeologist myself, I went through the initiation and swore not to tell anyone, but since I sell sex on the side, I can afford to take the chance and come clean.  I don’t have to make my living from fake archeology or talks at a museum.”

Not everyone agrees with archeologist Boom Boom.  “You don’t really believe that the pyramids don’t exist, do you,” asked National Geographic Society President John Fahey, laughing so hard he snorted milk out of his nose.  “The astronauts can see them from the space shuttle.  Other people besides archeologists have seen the pyramids and talk about them.  There’s nothing more real than the Egyptian pyramids … except maybe the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch.”

The Pyramids of Egypt are among the largest structures ever built and constitute one of the most potent and enduring symbols of Ancient Egyptian civilization.  Most were built during the Old and Middle Kingdom periods.  The most prolific pyramid-building phase coincided with the greatest degree of absolutist pharaonic rule.  It was during this time that the most famous pyramids, those near Giza, were built.  The shape of Egyptian pyramids is thought to represent the primordial mound from which the Egyptians believed the earth was created.

“I once saw archeologist Boom Boom’s primordial mounds,” said a drunken hoot owl, occasionally mistaken for a former president of the United States.  “They were spectacular.  Made the planets realign.  But when it comes to the pyramids, I don’t know if Boom Boom knows her ass from a hole in the ground, but I can tell you this: I know the difference, and that’s what counts.”

In related news, silicon implants have never been mistaken for Egyptian pyramids except once.  And that was before Boom Boom downsized and began stressing quality over quantity.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid