Made of cardboard and paste
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
March 10, 2008
Archeologist and part-time hooker Sydney “Boom Boom” Malone, revealed yesterday that the Egyptian pyramids famous in America and around the globe as one of the great wonders of the world, are actually card board and paste, and that a huge conspiracy exists to make people think they are made of stone blocks and stand hundreds to thousands of feet high. Meeting with a small, carefully selected group of reporters whom she knew she could trust, Boom Boom exposed the giant conspiracy that has benefited museums around the world for years.
“The pyramids are fake and so is all the stuff that museum curators claim was inside them,” said Malone, recently back from Egypt and still wearing a pith helmet, leather chaps and a silicon bust that has been known to weaken guys’ knees and drain nuclear power plants in the tri-state area. “It all began back in the 1800’s when some guy started a museum in England and couldn’t afford to keep it going. He hired some broke archeologist to make the stuff up and then paraded the guy in front of newsmen to create buzz. This whole thing is a long-term, complicated scam that’s been perpetuated on unsuspecting museum goers unwittingly funding it. It’s all a big hoax. As an archeologist myself, I went through the initiation and swore not to tell anyone, but since I sell sex on the side, I can afford to take the chance and come clean. I don’t have to make my living from fake archeology or talks at a museum.”
Not everyone agrees with archeologist Boom Boom. “You don’t really believe that the pyramids don’t exist, do you,” asked National Geographic Society President John Fahey, laughing so hard he snorted milk out of his nose. “The astronauts can see them from the space shuttle. Other people besides archeologists have seen the pyramids and talk about them. There’s nothing more real than the Egyptian pyramids … except maybe the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch.”
The Pyramids of Egypt are among the largest structures ever built and constitute one of the most potent and enduring symbols of Ancient Egyptian civilization. Most were built during the Old and Middle Kingdom periods. The most prolific pyramid-building phase coincided with the greatest degree of absolutist pharaonic rule. It was during this time that the most famous pyramids, those near Giza, were built. The shape of Egyptian pyramids is thought to represent the primordial mound from which the Egyptians believed the earth was created.
“I once saw archeologist Boom Boom’s primordial mounds,” said a drunken hoot owl, occasionally mistaken for a former president of the United States. “They were spectacular. Made the planets realign. But when it comes to the pyramids, I don’t know if Boom Boom knows her ass from a hole in the ground, but I can tell you this: I know the difference, and that’s what counts.”
In related news, silicon implants have never been mistaken for Egyptian pyramids except once. And that was before Boom Boom downsized and began stressing quality over quantity.
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