Daily Archives: March 11, 2008

Drugs in Your Water; Secret’s in Your Meat

You can know the cities with med’s in the drinking water,
but you can’t know if your store sold you recalled meat

Inebriated Press
March 11, 2008

The New York Times reported yesterday that traces of sedatives are in New York City’s water, and Ibuprofen and naproxen is in the Washington, D.C. water supply.  Also, anti-epileptic and anti-anxiety drugs have been found in southern California’s water.  And NewsBlaze reports that USDA’s undersecretary for food safety told a government panel last week that the names of the stores that received some of the 143 million pounds of recalled beef would not be made public, because it was “proprietary.”  Freedom, control and Americans right to know what they’re eating and drinking is being debated.

“We’ll tell you what you need to know when we think you need to know it,” said a highly placed U.S. government official, who declined to share his name because he didn’t think we needed to know it.  “You eat and drink the stuff in the stores and public water sources and don’t have no worries.  It’s all okay. We know what wez doin.  Jus’ forget about it.” 

Not everyone is comfortable that the federal governments’ secret food recall program is healthy for America, or that it’s moral, even if it’s legal somehow.  “The meat lobbyists have our government by the nose and have convinced officials that if I know where contaminated meat is being sold that I’ll be ‘confused’ and may stop buying bad meat from that store,” said Hapless Consumer, a housewife and executive who feeds her kids, manages a company, and tends to get pissed off at people who withhold damning evidence from her.  “You’re telling me that I’m a free American who doesn’t have a right to know that the store I shop at has been selling bad meat that has been recalled?  I can’t know that?  It’s too tough for me to handle?  I haven’t swallowed enough anti-anxiety laced California water to make me so relaxed I’ll accept that line of bull shit.”

At least 10,000 food distributors sold recalled meat from the shuttered Hallmark slaughterhouse in Chino, California including ConAgra, General Foods, Nestle and H.J. Heinz and it could still be on store shelves.  But Richard Raymond, USDA undersecretary for food safety, told an incredulous U.S. House Appropriation’s agriculture panel last week the information is “proprietary” and would not be released.  Naming names could drive customers away and just “confuse” people say trade groups like the American Meat Institute, Food Marketing Institute and Grocery Manufacturers Association. 
The New York Times said that Associated Press is drawing attention to the widespread problem of trace amounts of pharmaceutical chemicals turning up in the drinking water supply of millions of Americans, but no one seems to know how to react.  There are traces of sedatives in New York City’s water.  Ibuprofen and naproxen in Washington, D.C.  Anti-epileptic and anti-anxiety drugs in southern California.  The American Water Works Association, a trade group representing thousands of water utilities, seemed to suggest that the problem is the testing data, not the water.  A California water official warned The A.P. before it published the article that that the public “doesn’t know how to interpret the information” from the tests.   So where does bad food come from, and how are drugs getting into the water you drink?  Don’t ask and don’t worry, say the experts.

“American’s tend to over-react when they find out that government approved food and water is unknowingly causing them to ingest drugs and pharmaceuticals, E.coli, mad cow disease-prions and stuff like that, and they need to be protected from themselves by not being told what’s going on,” said F. U. Pal, Director of the Center for Unbridled Consumption, a non-profit Washington D.C. based think-tank supported by global food additive and chemical companies.  “It’s important that government authorities don’t damage the public trust in our food system or in consumption of products, services or any other consumable product or system that underpins our economic structure.  While it’s helpful on occasion to recall food or products and destroy them, thereby causing scarcity and driving up prices and demand, there’s the downside of causing some companies to go out of business due to the financial losses that they take.  Capitalism is a tough system and sometimes companies break rules and sell bad stuff.  If we bust them for it, they can lose market share so we need to be flexible with how we enforce the rules.  It’s all very complicated and best left to lobbyists and government bureaucrats.”

In related news, odds makers say a small percentage of us will get cancer and other diseases from the stuff we unwittingly ingest.  And since a lot of people also die in auto accidents, life and death is just a crap shoot anyway, so the food and water supply isn’t anything to worry about.  But don’t smoke.  You have no right to risk your life that way.  At least that’s what the experts say.

Middle School News Flash: The big guys get to tell you what to do. 
Get used to it.

© 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Space Station Sex Odyssey

Sexologist says conception in space is tricky

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 11, 2008

While the U.S. and Britain ponder a venture to place a probe on the moon’s surface and China is working on a manned moon flight scheduled for 2017, the Russians are thinking about having sex on the International Space Station.  The Russians say that the challenge of weightless conception is way more interesting, and that weightlessness makes it hard to get the ball rolling and keep it going.  They say that actually getting someone knocked-up in space is even harder.

“Making out in space is darn tricky business because you touch the other person and they float away whether they want to or not,” said Quadruple Helix, a DNA curiosity who often contemplates simultaneous sex with multiple partners who have multiple personalities.  “At the least you’d have to strap down one of the individuals and the other would have to be attached to them with elastic bands or something.  There’d probably have to be some handles or magnets or some other stuff too.  And you can’t spill anything out or it’ll be floating around the capsule.  Under those kinds of conditions you’d be lucky to get a date, let alone have sex.”

Not everyone thinks it’s impossible.  “There’s never been a woman that I couldn’t jump after I got a couple of drinks in her,” said former U.S. president Bill Clinton, an expert in sexual relations in various states of the union, and various unions in multiple states, and varied conditions of both states and unions.  “I suppose that keeping stuff from flying onto blue dresses or around inside a space capsule would be the hard part.  Never did do very good at that.  Got dry cleaning bills up the wazu.  Course, not all the blue dresses got cleaned, damn it.”

The Russian newspaper Pravda reported last week that Rostislav Beleda, a Candidate of Medical Sciences, and the chief sexologist at the Central Aviation Hospital for 14 years, said Russia has developed a special suit for cosmonauts to experiment with sex in, called Chibis.  The suit resembles a metallic barrel with a stool in it.  The lower part of the astronaut is pressure-sealed and the air is pumped out of the barrel to make blood rush to legs.  Blood in the lower extremities is required for sex and weightlessness tends to be problematic because blood is pumped uniformly around the body, thereby effectively disabling the sex organs.  The Russians think the device will work in space and have built a modified version for earth use to treat ejaculation dysfunction.

Beleda said that right after take-off a human being experiences high G-forces with “gravitational” pull as much as six or nine times greater than that on Earth.  Once a spaceship enters orbit the pull drops to zero and blood starts flowing from lower parts of the body to the head.  A person adapts him- or herself to the new conditions within three days.  But the body never adopts its natural-internal conditions until it reaclimates on earth.  According to Beleda space flights adversely affect all life functions, especially the reproductive function.  No U.S. female astronaut has gotten pregnant after a flight into space, and only one Soviet cosmonaut, Valentina Tereshkova, became pregnant after being in space.  Beleda said that even after male cosmonauts readapted to earth, their sperm count was lower than normal.  Still, experimenting with sex in space is something that both cosmonauts and astronauts say is worth trying.

“You’re locked in that damn station for weeks at a time like some lab rat, with nothing but work and the fear of burning up on reentry — darn right you want a piece of ass,” said an in-space professional who refused to share their name or gender.  “On earth you at least got Jack Daniels to take the edge off, but up there it’s you and a couple other people stuck in the same situation.  Can’t even take a decent shit.  Get me a couple rubber bands, that Russian barrel and a willing companion, and I’ll give it a shot.  Damn straight.”

In related news, NASA administrator Michael Griffin told U.S. House of Representative’s Science and Technology Committee in February that China is now the U.S. major competitor in space.  In 2003 they sent astronaut Yang Liwei inside the Shenzhou V spacecraft into orbit, making fourteen turns around Earth.  Two years later it put two of its astronauts in space at the same time.  They orbited the Earth inside Shenzhou VI for five days.  In 2008, China intends to launch three astronauts inside Shenzhou VII in which one of them will perform China’s first spacewalk. In all, in 2008, China intends to launch ten missions to space and is targeting 2017 for a manned mission to the Moon.  No word on whether they plan to have sex once they get there.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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