Space Station Sex Odyssey

Sexologist says conception in space is tricky

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 11, 2008

While the U.S. and Britain ponder a venture to place a probe on the moon’s surface and China is working on a manned moon flight scheduled for 2017, the Russians are thinking about having sex on the International Space Station.  The Russians say that the challenge of weightless conception is way more interesting, and that weightlessness makes it hard to get the ball rolling and keep it going.  They say that actually getting someone knocked-up in space is even harder.

“Making out in space is darn tricky business because you touch the other person and they float away whether they want to or not,” said Quadruple Helix, a DNA curiosity who often contemplates simultaneous sex with multiple partners who have multiple personalities.  “At the least you’d have to strap down one of the individuals and the other would have to be attached to them with elastic bands or something.  There’d probably have to be some handles or magnets or some other stuff too.  And you can’t spill anything out or it’ll be floating around the capsule.  Under those kinds of conditions you’d be lucky to get a date, let alone have sex.”

Not everyone thinks it’s impossible.  “There’s never been a woman that I couldn’t jump after I got a couple of drinks in her,” said former U.S. president Bill Clinton, an expert in sexual relations in various states of the union, and various unions in multiple states, and varied conditions of both states and unions.  “I suppose that keeping stuff from flying onto blue dresses or around inside a space capsule would be the hard part.  Never did do very good at that.  Got dry cleaning bills up the wazu.  Course, not all the blue dresses got cleaned, damn it.”

The Russian newspaper Pravda reported last week that Rostislav Beleda, a Candidate of Medical Sciences, and the chief sexologist at the Central Aviation Hospital for 14 years, said Russia has developed a special suit for cosmonauts to experiment with sex in, called Chibis.  The suit resembles a metallic barrel with a stool in it.  The lower part of the astronaut is pressure-sealed and the air is pumped out of the barrel to make blood rush to legs.  Blood in the lower extremities is required for sex and weightlessness tends to be problematic because blood is pumped uniformly around the body, thereby effectively disabling the sex organs.  The Russians think the device will work in space and have built a modified version for earth use to treat ejaculation dysfunction.

Beleda said that right after take-off a human being experiences high G-forces with “gravitational” pull as much as six or nine times greater than that on Earth.  Once a spaceship enters orbit the pull drops to zero and blood starts flowing from lower parts of the body to the head.  A person adapts him- or herself to the new conditions within three days.  But the body never adopts its natural-internal conditions until it reaclimates on earth.  According to Beleda space flights adversely affect all life functions, especially the reproductive function.  No U.S. female astronaut has gotten pregnant after a flight into space, and only one Soviet cosmonaut, Valentina Tereshkova, became pregnant after being in space.  Beleda said that even after male cosmonauts readapted to earth, their sperm count was lower than normal.  Still, experimenting with sex in space is something that both cosmonauts and astronauts say is worth trying.

“You’re locked in that damn station for weeks at a time like some lab rat, with nothing but work and the fear of burning up on reentry — darn right you want a piece of ass,” said an in-space professional who refused to share their name or gender.  “On earth you at least got Jack Daniels to take the edge off, but up there it’s you and a couple other people stuck in the same situation.  Can’t even take a decent shit.  Get me a couple rubber bands, that Russian barrel and a willing companion, and I’ll give it a shot.  Damn straight.”

In related news, NASA administrator Michael Griffin told U.S. House of Representative’s Science and Technology Committee in February that China is now the U.S. major competitor in space.  In 2003 they sent astronaut Yang Liwei inside the Shenzhou V spacecraft into orbit, making fourteen turns around Earth.  Two years later it put two of its astronauts in space at the same time.  They orbited the Earth inside Shenzhou VI for five days.  In 2008, China intends to launch three astronauts inside Shenzhou VII in which one of them will perform China’s first spacewalk. In all, in 2008, China intends to launch ten missions to space and is targeting 2017 for a manned mission to the Moon.  No word on whether they plan to have sex once they get there.

(C) 2008

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