Daily Archives: March 12, 2008

NY Governor was paying Hillary for Sex

Nude Pic’s of Hillary Online Got the Gov Going

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 12, 2008

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s political career teetered on the brink of collapse Monday after law enforcement officials said he’d been paying prostitutes as well as Senator and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton for sex and political favors.  The Clinton campaign denied the report saying they never actually charged for sexual services and have since removed nude photos of the Senator from the “Emperor’s Club VIP” website and are promoting their own “Presidential Hopeful Club VIP” website.  Donors can sign up on the new website to win use of the Lincoln bedroom after Hillary wins the presidency.  They said that Hillary only provided sex as “a gift” for the governors support, and say its legal because it doesn’t constitute pay-for-sex service and therefore isn’t prostitution.  Debate over sex, politics and the deference between the term “hooker” and “presidential candidate” continues.

“I made a mistake when I started using the web service to arrange sex with non-politicians and have hurt my wife because she tends to be against the idea of me banging other women indiscriminately,” said Governor Spitzer, picking up some prophylactic packages he dropped accidentally.  “She understands that my trading sexual favors and political support with Hillary Clinton was all about politics and she’s okay with that, because sometimes politicians do unsavory things to obtain and maintain power.  It’s the fact that I wasn’t only doing politicians that hurts.  I admit I got off-track.  I’m terribly sorry that both my wife and the citizens of New York found out about this, and for that I apologize.  I’d like to stay governor, but it looks like I screwed myself this time.”

Not everyone thinks the Governor did anything wrong.  “It’s not like he was cheating the voters, the government or his wife,” said former U.S. president Bill Clinton, chuckling at the confusion common people have over the nature of sex used for fundraising and political support, versus recreation or procreation.  “I’ve never liked to pay for sex and I can see some people taking offense to a governor who does, but call girls need to make a buck too.  And as far as Hillary sleeping around, it’s no big deal to me.  We both understand that sometimes you sleep your way to political power, and sometimes you just do it for fun.  Spitzer is a Democrat Superdelegate and his vote is important.  A lot of times you get Superdelegates prostitutes, or sleep with them yourself to hold onto their vote.  It’s not like Hillary’s some street-walking hooker.  She’s a damn fine politician and so is he.  And damn fine politicians are always screwing somebody for some reason.”

MSNBC reported that Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s political career was near collapse after the corruption-fighting politician once known as “Mr. Clean” was accused of paying for sex with a high-priced call girl.  And Associated Press said Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton carefully sidestepped questions Monday about the sex scandal engulfing Spitzer, her home state governor and political ally.  The website for Emperor’s Club VIP, the site used by the governor for his liaison, since taken down, said “Emperors’ Club vip is the most preferred international social introduction service for those accustomed to excellence.  All rendezvous are individually crafted to suit the needs of your specific occasion.”  Spitzer apologized Monday after he was accused of using the site and paying for sex.  Authorities say he was caught on a federal wiretap arranging a tryst with the woman at a Washington hotel room.  Clinton declined to say whether she believed Spitzer could survive the scandal, which drew immediate calls for him to resign.
“I’m not sure what the political future holds for the Governor, but as you know my husband Bill was always having sex with and besides me while he was governor and president, and although there were some who complained, it didn’t run him out of office,” said Hillary, steeling her nerves with Prozac like she did in the old stained-blue-dress-Oval-Office days.  “You know that my campaign has been short of cash and that the Superdelegates are really important to me right now.  If Spitzer has to go down because he paid someone for sex and not because of the donations he gave me, then he does; that’s just the way it goes.  But no one should make anything of our relationship because it was just plain sex and politics.  I may give sexual and political favors to donors, but I don’t sell out for either.  That’s the difference between a politician like me and a common hooker.  There’s a big difference.”

In related news, Pam Anderson continues to go nude for PETA advertising and has been soliciting donations for the anti-fur group.  Lawyers say that if she decides to screw guys too, it’s merely a favor much the way the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) gives out cups and T-shirts to donors.  Bill Clinton says he always had a place in his heart for PETA.  No word on whether Governor Spitzer plans to donate, but insiders say if he does it won’t be arranged by telephone or website.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Big Breasted Women Don’t Commit Crimes

Tiny Japanese model with 44 inch bust found not guilty

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 12, 2008

The UK Daily Mail reported last week that Japanese model Serena Kozakura, was cleared after the court agreed her breasts were so big she could not possibly have committed the crime she was accused of.  Charged with willful destruction of property by kicking a hole in a door to an apartment, and entering it illegally, her lawyer showed the judge the size of the hole and argued that with tits the size of Kozakura’s she could not have fit through.  The judge agreed and dismissed the charges.

“I don’t usually talk about cases but I really enjoyed this one and am happy to talk about anything related to big hooters,” said presiding judge Kunio Harada, squeezing a large pink stress ball with a brown areola.  “I’ve had chicks with jugs in my courtroom before, but not one with knockers like those.  I could barely think straight let alone convict her of anything.”

Not everyone believes that massive breasts are all that impressive, even if they keep you out of prison.  “I have a flatter chest than some guys I know and I’ve never had a problem picking up men or escaping from the police,” said Lesley Hornby, better known as Twiggy, an English supermodel and actress, who is so slender that she’s often mistaken for a corn stalk or a number 2 lead pencil.  “That Japanese girl may be free because she can’t fit through a hole, but I’m free because I can.  I’ve slipped under doors, between jail bars and through cracks in walls.  Once I got shuffled by accident into a deck of cards and I faked I was the Queen of Spades, but I got found out because she’s fatter.  I still got away by pretending I was a Kleenex, because when the guard picked me up to blow his nose, I slugged him and made a break for it.”

Serena Kozakura was convicted last year after a boyfriend said she had kicked a hole in the wooden door of his room and crawled inside – because he was with another woman.  But in her appeal last week the model told the Tokyo court that the man had made the hole himself before accusing her.  In court last week her defense lawyer held up a plate showing the size of the hole and said Kozakura could not possibly have squeezed through it with her 44 inch bust.  “I agree,” said Tokyo High Court presiding judge Kunio Harada, after casting his eyes over the model.  Then he threw out the guilty finding.  Kozakura was delighted by the ruling.

“I’ve always been popular with the guys, but until this court case I just didn’t realize the power of big tits,” said Miss Kozakura, popping a balloon with her thigh and watching her old boyfriend deflate under the judge’s decision.  “I guess all the backaches from lugging these things around are worth it.  Now if my date with the judge works out tonight, who knows where these things can take me!”

In other news, Hillary Clinton is seriously considering breast augmentation prior to the Pennsylvania presidential primary.  Reportedly she figures if big jugs can win a court case in Japan, maybe they can win the court of opinion in the U.S. and set her up as the country’s next president.  Her hubby Bill Clinton says she can count on his support.  “If big tits is what it takes to get the job done, then I’m all for it,” the former president reportedly said, while attending a recent fundraiser for former Hooters Girls.  “Even if Hillary doesn’t get elected, it’d be one hell of a consolation prize.  At least it works for me.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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