Big Breasted Women Don’t Commit Crimes

Tiny Japanese model with 44 inch bust found not guilty

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 12, 2008

The UK Daily Mail reported last week that Japanese model Serena Kozakura, was cleared after the court agreed her breasts were so big she could not possibly have committed the crime she was accused of.  Charged with willful destruction of property by kicking a hole in a door to an apartment, and entering it illegally, her lawyer showed the judge the size of the hole and argued that with tits the size of Kozakura’s she could not have fit through.  The judge agreed and dismissed the charges.

“I don’t usually talk about cases but I really enjoyed this one and am happy to talk about anything related to big hooters,” said presiding judge Kunio Harada, squeezing a large pink stress ball with a brown areola.  “I’ve had chicks with jugs in my courtroom before, but not one with knockers like those.  I could barely think straight let alone convict her of anything.”

Not everyone believes that massive breasts are all that impressive, even if they keep you out of prison.  “I have a flatter chest than some guys I know and I’ve never had a problem picking up men or escaping from the police,” said Lesley Hornby, better known as Twiggy, an English supermodel and actress, who is so slender that she’s often mistaken for a corn stalk or a number 2 lead pencil.  “That Japanese girl may be free because she can’t fit through a hole, but I’m free because I can.  I’ve slipped under doors, between jail bars and through cracks in walls.  Once I got shuffled by accident into a deck of cards and I faked I was the Queen of Spades, but I got found out because she’s fatter.  I still got away by pretending I was a Kleenex, because when the guard picked me up to blow his nose, I slugged him and made a break for it.”

Serena Kozakura was convicted last year after a boyfriend said she had kicked a hole in the wooden door of his room and crawled inside – because he was with another woman.  But in her appeal last week the model told the Tokyo court that the man had made the hole himself before accusing her.  In court last week her defense lawyer held up a plate showing the size of the hole and said Kozakura could not possibly have squeezed through it with her 44 inch bust.  “I agree,” said Tokyo High Court presiding judge Kunio Harada, after casting his eyes over the model.  Then he threw out the guilty finding.  Kozakura was delighted by the ruling.

“I’ve always been popular with the guys, but until this court case I just didn’t realize the power of big tits,” said Miss Kozakura, popping a balloon with her thigh and watching her old boyfriend deflate under the judge’s decision.  “I guess all the backaches from lugging these things around are worth it.  Now if my date with the judge works out tonight, who knows where these things can take me!”

In other news, Hillary Clinton is seriously considering breast augmentation prior to the Pennsylvania presidential primary.  Reportedly she figures if big jugs can win a court case in Japan, maybe they can win the court of opinion in the U.S. and set her up as the country’s next president.  Her hubby Bill Clinton says she can count on his support.  “If big tits is what it takes to get the job done, then I’m all for it,” the former president reportedly said, while attending a recent fundraiser for former Hooters Girls.  “Even if Hillary doesn’t get elected, it’d be one hell of a consolation prize.  At least it works for me.”

(C) 2008

Comments Off on Big Breasted Women Don’t Commit Crimes

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid

Comments are closed.