Daily Archives: March 13, 2008

PETA presses town to sue meat companies over climate change

When going nuts, do it up big

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with pretzels)
March 13, 2008

The Alaskan village of Kivalina is suing 24 large energy companies claiming that they are responsible for increasing greenhouse gas and eroding their coastline.  The People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) says that’s a wimpy approach and that they should also sue all the major meat producing companies because animals produced for food create greenhouse gas too.  According to folks living in Kavalina, storms are damaging their island and since corporations control the weather and not god or nature, those bastards should relocate them, or at the very least make them rich.  The debate over climate control, the power of animals and just how common human common sense really is, rages on.

“All of the world’s so called ‘natural catastrophes’ can be linked to the use of animals for food, the Ford model T, and a secret group of white guys who control world finance,” said Elite Socialite, a self-proclaimed genius and amateur social engineer, suffering from malnutrition, but who refuses a balanced diet in order to save the planet and a Green Peace-estimated one-out-of-a-million baby seals.  “I am the only person who really cares about all the important issues, and all the people who run energy and meat companies hate the world and should do what I say, and make me rich because I’m smarter than them.  I alone know how to solve all the worlds’ problems by returning us to the glory years of the Stone Age, if people would just let me.”

Not everyone is so sure that the combination of vegetarianism and stone age living is something to be aspired to.  “It’s taken humankind thousands of years to defeat malnutrition and disease, and to bring part of civilization above subsistence-living, starvation and death-by-the-age-of-30,” said Hafast Brite, a ten year old student at Thomas Jefferson Middle School, caught studying human history by mistake, rather than reading PETA pamphlets and learning to use condoms.  “Humankinds assent through the millennia has been against nature, not in accordance with it.  It’s not that there’s anything wrong with trees and grass, or organic chickens.  But the freedom we have over the crush of the natural elements has been the result of humans exerting control over nature and the elements.  Not always perfectly, but pretty darn good.  I’m not so sure a veggie-caveman in-tune-with-nature could have pulled it off.”

The Norfolk, Virginia-based People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) faxed a letter to the Kivalina mayor early this month alleging that raising animals for food creates 40 percent more greenhouse gases than all the world’s cars, trucks, planes and ships combined.  The coastal village of Kivalina, is suing 24 large energy companies over global warming, and PETA said they should also sue major U.S. meat producers.  Kivalina is on a barrier island in the Northwest Arctic that is washing away due to increased damage from fall and winter storms.  Federal agencies say reduced sea ice is the culprit for the increased pace of erosion.  Not everyone is convinced that humans can predict the future or wield power over time, space and sea ice.

“We’ve been tracking temperature on earth for a few hundred years and extrapolating from that what has happened over thousands of years and what will happen in future thousands; and that’s like predicting the career-at-age-50 of a kindergartner based on their favorite color,” said part-time scientist and kindergarten teacher Masculine Adverb, a birdlike woman who occasionally lives up to her name.  “In the 70’s there was an outcry over the impending ice age and now thirty years later it’s global warming.  We just switched out of destruction by freezing to destruction by heat because we’ve got 30 years more information.  Let me think, the earth and universe has been here how long?  But we’ve got it all figured out today because of a couple hundred years of data collected from where and how?  Anyone who says they can predict the future from a fleck of questionable data is trying to sell you something.”

In related news, the Cult of The Environment continues to offer salvation through Stone Age living and the transfer of cash from corporations into coffers of activists.  I’ve heard of new religion for a new age, but I’ll be damned before I sign on to this circus.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Brazil Buys Green Bay Packer, Favre Bails Out

Style of Football Scares MVP QB

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 13, 2008

Brazil based meat packer JBS has announced that it is purchasing a Green Bay, Wisconsin meat packing company.  Green Bay is the home of Lambeau Field and the Green Bay Packers NFL football team.  Confusion over the purchase of the meat packer led Quarterback Brett Favre to retire, citing the difference between Brazilian “football” and American “football” as too great for him to overcome. 

“I’ve been in the NFL playing football for 17 years and am darn good at it, but when I learned that the Brazilians had taken over, I knew that I’d never fit in or be able to compete,” said three-time MVP Favre, choking back tears and wiping his eyes with 100-dollar bills. “They don’t throw forward passes in their style of football and for a quarterback like myself, that pretty much takes me out of the picture.”

Not everyone thinks that the purchase of the Green Bay packer will result in changes at the Green Bay Packers.  “It’s true that the plant the Brazilians bought was once the old Green Bay Packing company that resulted in the NFL team, the Green Bay Packers, but times have changed and meat plant workers don’t play NFL football, and the meat company managers no longer control how the football game is played in Wisconsin,” said Casey Kasem, an expert in meat company mergers and a part-time radio host often confused with an aerospace engineer.  “Favre is over-reacting and needs to kick back, listen to American Top 10 and chill out.  The Brazilians don’t give a shit about what he’s doing.  Only Wisconsin cheese heads care.”

Smithfield Foods Inc. announced last week that it has agreed to sell its Green Bay, Wisconsin beef processing and cattle feeding business, for $565 million in cash to Brazil’s JBS SA.  And Brett Favre, the Green Bay Packer Quarterback for 17 seasons announced his retirement.  Favre just finished his best season in a decade.  He finished among the top six NFL quarterbacks in passing yards, touchdown passes, completion percentage and rating.  His Packers won 13 games and hosted the NFC title game, which they lost by three points in overtime.  Brazil Soccer is famous all over the world for its brilliant performance and unique technique of playing the game.  In American football the quarterback throws the ball frequently, but in Brazilian football, it’s against the rules to throw the ball.

“It’s not our intention to change the way American football is played, even if they do it all wrong,” said JBS meat company spokesperson and football aficionado Barbara Bombshell, a young women whose chest often is confused with a pair of soccer balls.  “The Packer football player could have hung around, we don’t care.  All we want to do is kill some cows and sell them for meat.  The NFL can do whatever it wants.”

In other news, a recent beef recall has hurt some U.S. meat companies financially as their meat has been pulled off the shelves.  No word on whether the recall resulted in Favre being pulled from the shelf in Green Bay, or if it was completely voluntary.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid