When going nuts, do it up big
Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with pretzels)
March 13, 2008
The Alaskan village of Kivalina is suing 24 large energy companies claiming that they are responsible for increasing greenhouse gas and eroding their coastline. The People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) says that’s a wimpy approach and that they should also sue all the major meat producing companies because animals produced for food create greenhouse gas too. According to folks living in Kavalina, storms are damaging their island and since corporations control the weather and not god or nature, those bastards should relocate them, or at the very least make them rich. The debate over climate control, the power of animals and just how common human common sense really is, rages on.
“All of the world’s so called ‘natural catastrophes’ can be linked to the use of animals for food, the Ford model T, and a secret group of white guys who control world finance,” said Elite Socialite, a self-proclaimed genius and amateur social engineer, suffering from malnutrition, but who refuses a balanced diet in order to save the planet and a Green Peace-estimated one-out-of-a-million baby seals. “I am the only person who really cares about all the important issues, and all the people who run energy and meat companies hate the world and should do what I say, and make me rich because I’m smarter than them. I alone know how to solve all the worlds’ problems by returning us to the glory years of the Stone Age, if people would just let me.”
Not everyone is so sure that the combination of vegetarianism and stone age living is something to be aspired to. “It’s taken humankind thousands of years to defeat malnutrition and disease, and to bring part of civilization above subsistence-living, starvation and death-by-the-age-of-30,” said Hafast Brite, a ten year old student at Thomas Jefferson Middle School, caught studying human history by mistake, rather than reading PETA pamphlets and learning to use condoms. “Humankinds assent through the millennia has been against nature, not in accordance with it. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with trees and grass, or organic chickens. But the freedom we have over the crush of the natural elements has been the result of humans exerting control over nature and the elements. Not always perfectly, but pretty darn good. I’m not so sure a veggie-caveman in-tune-with-nature could have pulled it off.”
The Norfolk, Virginia-based People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) faxed a letter to the Kivalina mayor early this month alleging that raising animals for food creates 40 percent more greenhouse gases than all the world’s cars, trucks, planes and ships combined. The coastal village of Kivalina, is suing 24 large energy companies over global warming, and PETA said they should also sue major U.S. meat producers. Kivalina is on a barrier island in the Northwest Arctic that is washing away due to increased damage from fall and winter storms. Federal agencies say reduced sea ice is the culprit for the increased pace of erosion. Not everyone is convinced that humans can predict the future or wield power over time, space and sea ice.
“We’ve been tracking temperature on earth for a few hundred years and extrapolating from that what has happened over thousands of years and what will happen in future thousands; and that’s like predicting the career-at-age-50 of a kindergartner based on their favorite color,” said part-time scientist and kindergarten teacher Masculine Adverb, a birdlike woman who occasionally lives up to her name. “In the 70’s there was an outcry over the impending ice age and now thirty years later it’s global warming. We just switched out of destruction by freezing to destruction by heat because we’ve got 30 years more information. Let me think, the earth and universe has been here how long? But we’ve got it all figured out today because of a couple hundred years of data collected from where and how? Anyone who says they can predict the future from a fleck of questionable data is trying to sell you something.”
In related news, the Cult of The Environment continues to offer salvation through Stone Age living and the transfer of cash from corporations into coffers of activists. I’ve heard of new religion for a new age, but I’ll be damned before I sign on to this circus.
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