Daily Archives: March 14, 2008

Heart Pacemaker Vulnerable to Wireless Hackers

The concept of self control takes on new meaning

Inebriated Press
March 14, 2008

The New York Times reported Wednesday that computer security researchers have been able to gain wireless access to a Medtronic heart devise that uses wireless signals to allow doctors to monitor patients.  Reportedly there are thousands of Americans with implanted pacemakers, including U.S. vice president Dick Cheney.  Not all units respond to wireless transmissions so not everyone is vulnerable to hackers, but some people clearly are.  Experts say other technologies attached or implanted into humans may also be at risk to hackers.

“I’ve got a twin cylinder penile prosthesis that goes haywire when my neighbor changes TV channels with her remote.  I’ve wrecked two pair of pants and lost my best friend,” said Dick Wrangler, a retired porn actor and hydraulics specialist.  “I’m supposed to get a pacemaker to keep my heart in rhythm but I’m terrified about what hackers and TV channel changers might do to me.  I’ve done some wild shit in my life, but having other folks controlling what my body parts are doing creeps me out.”

Technologists say antivirus software and extra Vitamin E is enough to protect us.  “As long as manufacturers of prosthesis and pacemaker devises incorporate encryption and anti-spam programs into their wireless communication technology, everything should be just fine,” said technologist and aerospace engineer Murphy Brown, a soft porn aficionado who is looking forward to new wireless devises that can do anything.  “I use Tamiflu to fight viral bio infections and Norton for anti-virus technological issues.  I have a pacemaker myself and other than a little spam getting through which gives me the urge to buy hair growth products and order male enhancement tablets, I’m doing okay.  Now if I can program the software to avoid investment scams maybe I’ll be able to rebuild my 401k.”

The researchers reported that they were able to gain wireless access to a Medtronic combination heart defibrillator and pacemaker.  Their paper summarizing the research is called “Pacemakers and Implantable Cardiac Defibrillators: Software Radio Attacks and Zero-Power Defenses.”  They said that the long list of objects vulnerable to attack by computer hackers now includes the human heart.  They were able to glean personal patient data by eavesdropping on signals from the tiny wireless radio that Medtronic had embedded in the implant as a way to let doctors monitor and adjust it without surgery.  They said that they may also have been able to issue commands and make adjustments like the patients doctor.  The researchers said the test results suggest that too little attention is being paid to security in the growing number of medical implants being equipped with communications capabilities.  Doctors and healthcare advocates urged that patients not be alarmed by the discussion of security flaws saying that they were still better off living with them than without.

“People are way ahead having machines wired into their bodies even if they have no control over them,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger, a former body builder and actor who played a humanoid machine from the future before he quit having fun and became governor of California.  “Sure there’s a chance that you’ll be held hostage by hackers who can kill you by typing some code if you don’t pay them off or attack a foreign country, or even make you get an erection during an important press conference.  But these are minor side affects when compared to the better life that you can live with hard wired bio-machine parts and mass quantities of Vitamin E.  Believe me; I know what I’m talking about.  I’ve been in movies about this stuff.”

In other news, Gilligan’s Island actress Dawn Wells who played the character Mary Ann pleaded guilty to marijuana use and being under the influence while driving.  She was sentenced to six months probation.  According to police reports she said erroneous wireless transmissions caused her to smoke pot against her will.  She is planning a three-hour boat tour to relax and “get away for a while.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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United Nations Advocates Cannibalism

U.N. solves both the food and population crisis

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 14, 2008

The director of the United Nations (U.N.) World Food Programme said yesterday that the combination of bad weather and continued world population growth is creating grain shortages and that new creative approaches to food and population control are necessary.  With that in mind the U.N. recently completed a study of cannibalism and found that it’s a tradition extending back throughout modern times to pre-history.  The U.N. says it’s time to remove the current stigma against cannibalism and return to those simpler times when humans ate humans, saying it  will instantly increase food availability and slash population growth at the same time.

“With the social stigma against eating each other so pronounced in world society today, it’s no wonder people have stopped counting on each other as a food source and are left starving,” said Hannibal Lecter, Director of the U.N.’s New Food Resources Project, a soft spoken man with a bit of flesh stuck between his teeth.  “Cannibalism has gone on for century’s but is looked down on for silly social and religious reasons.  On occasion when people were truly hungry, like the Donner party in the Sierra Nevada mountains, they turned to consuming one another having realized that starvation was a silly outcome when they could eat a few of themselves.  The same situation exists in the world today: too many people and not enough food.  Once we toss off the stigma about eating men, women and children, suddenly we have an enormous food supply!  People need to wake up to the new possibilities!”

Not everyone is comfortable with killing and eating other human beings.  “It doesn’t seem right somehow, consuming the flesh of the people around us,” said Queasy Ethicist, a short fellow who eats a lot of Rolaids and has a perpetual furrow in his brow.  “I can’t argue that there would certainly be an expanded food supply if people were considered food stuffs.  Even third world nations in the midst of drought conditions would have instant access to a new food source.  But it’s not right.  We can’t just eat one another.  If we’re okay with it, where does it stop?  We might start treating life as less valuable and even start killing unborn children.  Oh that’s right, we already do that.  Well … I’m not too fast on my feet and if cannibalism means capturing the slow guys I could be in trouble.  That’s a good enough reason to prohibit it I think.”

The U.N. is warning of a food shortage crisis and drawing up plans for food rationing which it says will hit even middle-class suburban populations as inflation and economic uncertainty causes the prices of staple food commodities to skyrocket.  The United Nation’s World Food Programme cautions that if it doesn’t receive more funding, it may have to halt food aid to developing countries like Mexico and China.  Global food prices have skyrocketed by as much as 60 per cent in the past year, and U.N. officials warn of the likelihood of food riots in some countries.  Evolutionists say that it’s all part of the cycle of life and nothing to worry about.

“The theory of evolution is built on the concept of survival of the fittest and it’s important that we understand that the sick and the weak will perish first, and that’s just fine,” said Charles Darwin, a fossil collector and part-time cannibal who believes that everything eats everything.  “The U.N. project makes a lot of sense and cannibalism is a fine thing.  We’ll catch the slow and weak for lunch and trap the stupid for dinner.  Do you have any idea just how vast the food supply is when we start consuming each other?  The only thing in the way is silly religious people and ethicists and they’re always in the way of scientific advancement like evolution, abortion and indiscriminate killing and eating of folks we know.  Let’s eat them first.  Think of it, by eating moralists we instantly add to the food supply, reduce population growth and get rid of trouble-makers!  I’m salvating just thinking about it!”

In related news, U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said that the U.N. cannibal initiative seems a bit drastic.  “Still,” she reportedly said, “feeding all the Republicans to kids in China is a good place to start.  There might be something to this idea after all.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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